Born of the Heart

Adoption Perceptions

2009-03-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

I was over at another site that has since been removed, reading about different opinions on adoption. One anonymous commenter quoted Job 24:9 " The fatherless child is snatched from the breast; the infant of the poor is seized for a debt." Using the Bible to say that God is against adoption. From what I can tell this anonymous commenter had a child that was adopted by another family.

Let me first say that I cannot imagine what this is like. It doesn't take much for me to conjure up some empathy for Mama when I think about it. Both of us love our babies, and call them our own. She did not directly choose to lose her children, although through her actions or lack thereof she chose. I did not snatch them, I did not buy them.

Later on in the same chapter of Job vs 21 it goes on to say "They prey on the barren and childless woman," another evil of the adoption world. Women, some of whom are not even pregnant, who offer their babies to multiple families for the "expenses".

It is said that evil rides a white horse. Evil knows that if he shows up on a black horse we would fight with all of our might against it. I believe that adoption is a good thing. We could have had more biological children, we chose not to. With any good thing that can be thought of there is an evil side to it.

These are not my kids

2009-03-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

any of them. Regardless of whether they were born of my body or born of my heart. They are investments that God has given my husband and I to look after. Given that life expectancy is creeping towards 80 in America, we are entrusted with the first quarter. We are charged with laying the foundation. And we all know that without a strong foundation, the storms will come and all will be lost.

I live in a part of the country where every commercial break on the radio has an ad for foundation repair. You can go back and shore up the structure, it's more costly than doing it right the first time, and there will be evidence of the structural failure that you can't erase.

God help my first kid, I was just putting up bricks hoping to keep out the rain. Did a little better with my second, even better with the third. But it wasn't great

1 Corinthians 4:7 (Whole Chapter) For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?

Me and My Big (Typing Fingers)

2009-03-10T15:55:00.000-05:00

I mentioned a couple of days ago that we use our little orphans as a tax deduction. (See, I'm already at it.) This is apparently unpopular. I am supposed to be doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Believe me, if it weren't for my heart for these children I'd be working at Target and making more money, it wouldn't be 24/7 and I'd have a convertible.

I would first like to point out to those of you who have just joined me, that the only reason these children are still in foster care is that the state can't focus ten minutes of energy into the case and get the parents rights terminated. Had they done that two years ago as is "required by law" we'd have adopted the kids and deducting them.

I've been told, incorrectly according to the IRS, that the only way I can deduct the children is if I report the income that I receive for caring for them. Your income isn't decided on what you are claiming as a deduction. Income is a legally defined term. Foster care money is not income, it's child support from the state. If you care to research for yourself go to www.irs.gov and check it out for yourself. Of course you could Google "can I claim my foster children as dependents on my taxes" or something of the sort. What you will find is opinion. So what if your caseworker told you you can't, I don't care what your friend does. I don't care how long you've been a foster parent and haven't claimed them, the IRS says I can, but you don't have to believe me.

I should have learned after all of these years of fostering that some people just don't want help or advice from someone who has been there. The parents don't want to attend parenting classes because they have all the answers.

Who do you bump into

2009-03-10T15:28:00.000-05:00

I get two days of Mothers Day Out each week. That gives me ten hours to do what it is I need and want to do without little ones each week. This can only be accomplished by hurrying.

One day I was hurrying around the mall, still in search for the perfect black, flat, open toed shoe, and there she was. A little old lady not getting on the escalator. Annoyed, yes I know, considering the grace I've been given....anyway, the escalator was not in operation that day and she needed help walking down them as stairs. Fine, but this is eating into my day......

So, what is the first thing that she says to me, after asking for my help?

"God always sends you someone just when you need them." The rest of the conversation was a direct lecture from the Big Guy himself, although she was doing the talking. By the time we reached the bottom it was clear to me that the world did not revolve around me and what I wanted to do, that people are not always in my life for what they can do for me, but rather what they can do for me when I do for them. There are times in my life when I wonder what road I was on that crossed my path with so and so.

Dump and Run

2009-03-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

Foster families are quite familiar with this technique. CPS shows up with a kid very dissimilar to the one they described and before you know it they are gone. Before I found the right fit for a caseworker, my agency was no help at all. Our agency would tell us that if we refused a placement after we agreed to it that we'd stop getting calls.

They "forget" to tell you what disabilites a child might have. A friend of mine was brought a double amputee, no one had mentioned that this girl had prosthetic legs, there was no mention of it in the paperwork. The girl was wearing pants when they brought her, and the next morning she came out to breakfast in shorts and no legs. Later CPS came by and tried to get my friend to modify her home to ADA standards, including a very costly bathroom remodel.

We were called for an 11 year old deaf girl. Her only problem was that she was deaf. She'd been neglected a little, but otherwise a normal happy girl needing a place to live. What showed up at my house was a fourteen year old girl who had gender identity issues. While it didn't say it in her paperwork, she'd been raped by just about every close relative and when she was sent to a deaf school in another state the abuse continued. She'd spent most of her time since leaving the deaf school in one mental hospital or another. She had a medication list as long as all the other kids in our home combined, but since she had just been released from a hospital and the caseworker didn't bring her hospital meds, Medicaid would not pay for additional meds for the month. It was the third of August. Every August in our state we run out of money for foster care, fiscal year starts in September. CPS provides only essential services, returning calls about a psychotic kid who's trying to kill you is not one of those services. We then became the next family who had to call the cops to get her dragged into a mental hospital in the middle of the night.

Of course this is the way it works. They will tell you whatever they can to get you to take a placement, then they disappear.

Cleaning House

2009-03-10T10:57:00.004-05:00

I'm morphing this site into my others to get one big happy site. There will be a lot of drafts getting published today as I do a little housecleaning. They will all appear on the new site soon:) These have all been written but not published for whatever reason, some are still not ready, or complete, but as I read them I feel they need to be published as they are.

My little money makers

2009-03-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

I was recently reminded that some people think foster parents are in it for the money. Yes, that's so true. Here is what we have to go through to get our $21.00/day

Baby gates that didn't work - $60

Baby gates that did work - $135

Baby proofing that didn't work - $45

Putting locks on every door in our house - $75

Chains and door stoppers - $60

New washer and dryer $1400

Miles on car each month attributed soley to fostering - 440

Pullups each month $56

Babysitting $10/hour plus $125/year for licensing

Fire inspection $60/year

Health inspection $45/year

CPR and First Aid class $60/person over 14/year

Mothers Day Out $570/month

McDonalds on visit days $16

Gas station snacks on visit days $8

Sippy cups $1000 (give or take)

Car seats $300

Beds broken $240

Remodeling to accomodate $2500 probably more

Bandaids $400/month

Then there are the hundreds of rolls of toilet paper, the new toilet that will flush shampoo bottles because somebody is always trying to flush something that they shouldn't and we got tired of paying the plumber. The countless bottles of their brother's shampoo and body wash that he won't put away, (I don't pay for that though), the gallons of paint we will need when they get over their artistic phase. The upholstery they've cut, the dvd players they've overfed. The dvd's they've broken. The upholstery in the car. The 12 passenger van, the repairs to the 12 passenger van. The brand new 8 seater van. The 20 hours of training we're required to take each year to learn how to do this.

All of this is before we actually want to do something with them or take them somewhere.

And if that is not enough, the state has the great idea that each April they do a new contract for their Medicaid provider. So, each April I have to go back to the pediatrician and get a referral to a specialist that my children have seen since birth. After receiving the referral I then have to go and see the specialist. I have 30 days from the time we get on the program to visit the pediatrician and the specialist for each kid. This means two unnecessary visits per child per year. That might not seem like a lot, but how many thousands of children are in foster care, gues who's paying for two extra visits? You are. This is why we want socialized medicine? I also have to take them in each year for a psychological evaluation. One is required for each foster kid every year, by law, there is no getting out of it. If that isn't bad enough, I have to take them in for an assessment prior to the psychological to see if they need one, we've already established that whether they need one or not they are getting one. Then following the assessment to see if they need something that they are required to get, we have to wait for approval to get it. This can take anywhere from 45 to 60 days. I cannot take them in for their assessment to see if they need one until the month that they are due for one, I am also required to get their evaluation in the month that they are due. I have been cited every year for not getting them the psychological care that they need in a timely manner.

This is the same with dental care. Most dentist won't schedule an appointment unless your current Medicaid card says dental checkup required. It doesn't say that until the month it is due. When is the last time you tried to get into a pediatric dentist? There is a six week waiting period at mine, even though I take all of my foster kids there every six months and have been doing so for the past four years. Luckily I now have a friend there and she just overrides the system to say I'll pay for it if Medicaid doesn't come through.

We also have to double lock our medication and knives. We have to separate our medicine into categories of prescription, non-prescription, psychotropic, topical. Each category must be locked separately. And let's say we'd like to cut our WIC cheese, it requires that we unlock a door and then unlock the lock box in which we keep our knives. We have to have thermometers in our fridge and freezer, to keep our WIC food at the proper temperature. And we have to get WIC. This requires monthly visits to WIC for each kid. We can't get the multiple months everybody else gets, because the kids might go home, even though they haven't for three years. God knows I'd really like to get one over on the WIC people and be able to get $60 worth of free food, which is exactly what I'll be thinking if they take the kids. I only go when they agree to give me the multiple months because quite frankly one trip to WIC ain't worth sixty bucks.

So, we are either stupid at math or we're not doing it for the money.

I'm giving things up for the New Year

2009-02-27T10:11:00.000-06:00

This blog is going to be one of them. Keeping up with multiples is hard, like I didn't know that, come on. So, less is more and you can keep up with all of our shenanigans and believe me, there are plenty, by following me here.

And thanks to hubby for the technical support.

This is scary, but not "boo" scary

2008-12-10T15:30:00.004-06:00

A couple of weeks ago we started Christmas shopping. We saw something for Princess we HAD to had to get. It was a princess set where the princess bore a remarkable likeness to our own princess. Well, we got it home, tossed it up into the attic and forgot about it until today when I went to wrap a few items. While I was taking this picture.....

I noticed something else. Not only could our own princess have been the model for the toy, THEY HAVE THE SAME NAME. Now I don't normally disclose the names of any of the kiddos on this, don't want anybody Googling us and finding out our dirty little secrets. But if the name in image is a problem, hubby will let me know.

And like the princess toy, our own little princess can sit, stand and hold things in her hand. But is that brush not ridiculously large? I thought so. When you share it with her pony I guess it has to be.

We also got her the castle to go with her princess, but the castle comes with a blonde princess wannabe, I was going to kick blondie to the curb. Hubby thought it might be better that blondie became the bff. What is it with us girls and our jealousies? So, she get's a Madame Tussaud like replica of herself, a prince, a pony, but also a skinny blonde. What more can a girl ask for?

Anything you say can and will be used against you ....when you least expect it

2008-12-09T23:21:00.005-06:00

My oh MY, did we have an eventful Urgent Care visit this evening. As you'll recall, Princess was suspected to have a UTI, and with Felpsy's arm reset, we didn't have time to get to the pediatrician during office hours, so it was left to Urgent Care. Thank you God for inventing that little gem, nine hours in the ER is NO FUN.

Felpsy and I got back from the bone doc, his biggest fear? Not that his severed bone would pierce his skin, that's mine. No, that Bob would be mad at him. Bob wasn't, of course Bob gets paid twice. Bob being the surly man who has been doing this for 30 years and only seen someone take off the plaster "a couple of times." Felpsy, use your powers for good.

Anyway, I walk in the door, tag Felpsy out and Princess in. Of course Booger is feeling left out, so he and Daddy joined us, leaving Big Girl and Big Boy to watch Radical and Felpsy.

I signed in the heir apparent and while waiting was doing the monthly paperwork, and the paperwork from the numerous medical visits. Princess and Booger took turns for a moment on the fun things they had to offer, then began to fight over them, jump off the furniture and other naughty kid things that drive us all crazy. Daddy offered to stay with her while I took Booger home, then I reminded Daddy about collecting the urine from a three year old girl part and he decided we'd both stay. Well, Princess had to go before we got in so we got a sample cup and biohazard bag from the receptionist and headed for the bathroom. We returned moments later with Princess proudly holding her bagged and cupped urine waving it around for all to see. Announcing to the world that she got to pee in a cup and here it is, look. See? Receptionist didn't want it so we got to keep it. Woohoo.

Before during or after this, an ambulance pulls into the ambulance bay and Princess starts screaming, "he's dead, oh no, he's dead, oh my goodness, oh my goodness." I informed her that they don't send an ambulance when you die, which set the 12 year old girl with the broken nose into fits of laughter. Which was good, because she had NOT been in a good mood.

Daddy and Booger had left for a walk and returned. And put down the coffee, send the children into another room, this is where it gets good. Princess climbs up on her dad's lap and says in her ~~loudest~~ quietest three year old voice "Daddy, what's that in your pants? Daddy, what is that? It's not your phone. What is it? Daddy, WHAT IS THAT in your pants?" For the record everyone, it WAS his phone. We and the twelve year old nearly died laughing.

The rest of the evening, yawn. She doesn't have a UTI, but she has something, which means.....you guessed, another doctor visit. Yippee. When do I get a raise? My last one was $0.24 a day, two years ago. I'd sell out to TLC, but I don't have video consent privileges, yet.....

If I Stop Laughing, I'm Going to Cry

2008-12-09T15:51:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, bright and early we were off to see the orthopedist to get Felpsy's arm set. 2 hours I will never get back. Frustrating that the receptionist would not give me the medical report which needs to be turned into CPS within 24 hours of a visit of this nature. "I'm not sure Foster Parent's get these." OK then I can't consent and you just treated a foster kid without consent you bad girl. She informed me that I could get a copy from medical records later this week, if I had the correct paperwork. Blug- referred to my agency, no longer my problem.

We were to go back in ten short days to get it off, but Felpsy took care of it last night. I'm sure I've told you all that he has a nervous habit of scratching the insides of his elbows until they are whiter than I, kind of hard to do when you have a plaster cast on. But if you pull out all the stuffing you can slide that puppy right off. So, here we go again.

Well, in the midst off all of this, daycare called, Princess needed a change of clothes. I had left some there as is policy, well she had not one but two accidents today. Of course, once the twins saw me, I was taking them home. We got home about nap time, had them go potty and hop into bed. Princess was going potty and screaming bloody murder. UTI. So, back to Urgent Care later this evening, once we get back from the orthopedic reset.

Thank God that Big Girl is home this week. She was able to sit on the ones staying home so I didn't have to take all three to what will have to be the least exciting events of my week. Medical waiting rooms.

We have five doctor visits in less than a week, and now Big Girl thinks she may have a sinus infection. Goodbye flexible spending account, we'll miss you.

The best fourth hand information available

2008-12-03T20:25:00.003-06:00

So, I have a friend who has a friend......Seriously though, my babies have an oldest brother, who has a foster parent, who has a caseworker who went to court today. She reports that the judge has suspended visits, imposed a time limit of six months (gasp, I know....) and told Mama that if she would like to show cause for resuming visits she will have to have her ducks in a row and petition the court. The attorney for Mama did not show today, and Mama appeared for herself, first time in over 15 months that she has even attended court.

Now, I am not sure if this six month limit is a hard and fast, reunify or terminate six months, or if it is the point at which they start the termination proceedings. I am hoping that it is termination due to the fact that Felpsy is going in to Kindergarten next year and I would like to keep him in a private school setting for as long as we are able. This would not be possible, because foster children are not allowed to attend private schools. Boo. Hiss. He has been eligible for Early Head Start and Pre-K and I could save $$$$$. But we are really enjoying his preschool experience and today when we stopped in to tell his class that we were not coming due to his broken arm, his teacher stopped the class so they could all pray for him. While I know there are many Christian's in public schools, they cannot stop class to have everyone pray.

Anyway, I've asked the attorney to give me an official report by end of biz tomorrow, so if any of this information changes, I'll be sure to let you all know.

Thanks for your prayers.

BTW - We saw the pediatrician for the broken arm, and he forwarded all of the info to an orthopedist. We have not heard from said orthopedist, and the ped says not to be concerned if it is Friday or next week before we get in. So, ok, good thing we rushed him in. Apparently, poorly healed fractures are only bad if there isn't thousands of dollars of tax payer money being redistributed to not get urgent care. My rant for a different day. I am thankful that the state is picking up the bill on that, I just wonder how many people couldn't afford to take their kid in on something like this, who are later deemed bad parents. This obviously isn't emergent, and no one seems surprised. Felpsy was not in agony, and has only taken one dose of Ibuprofen, and only because he heard the doctor say "if he needs it" and of course he did. Nothing has been said today about any pain. Anyway, like I said, we'll save that for another day.

Again, thanks for all your prayers.

Court Today

2008-12-03T10:05:00.002-06:00

No big changes expected, but it's at 2:00 central time, send up a little prayer about that time that all goes well for our babies and their siblings.

Also, Felpsy and I will be fixing his funny bone today, he broke it just below the shoulder last night.

Thanks so much for your prayers, they mean the world to us.

Socially Active Teens

2008-12-02T15:53:00.002-06:00

She always has the best stories. One such reminded me of this.

Our pediatrician is an American by choice. Austrian by birth. His bedside manner as well as his english have a lot to be desired, but I can call, get in, see him, get a prescription filled and be home in under an hour. This with three kids under five, I'll deal with the heavy accent and the gruffness, time is something you never get back, and sitting three hours in a waiting room is not how I choose to spend my life. As an added bonus, he seems to know everything and has diagnosed many things that others have missed.

He is quite accommodating to the scores of children I have, trying to see them all at once so I don't have to make multiple trips. One day, we had the entire posse in his big room. Getting all of the preliminary background on all of them before taking them off to examine them more closely in the small room. One by one he asked me if the born of the heart babies were adjusting well, were "socially active" knowing all about their psychological issues and such, these were relevant questions for the BOTH children. Then he gets to my BOB girl. A teen who will remain nameless. She being the oldest he asks if she is "sexually active". I replied, "no, I don't think so." Big girl then chimes in with "I AM TOO MOM. I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS." Then starts naming them one by one by one, girls and boys with which she hangs. Indignant that I would see her as unpopular. I shot her a look and mouthed "sexually" at which point she died. Luckily we were in a doctors office, but that poor girl has not gone back since.

I Am OH So Tired of This

2008-11-22T16:28:00.002-06:00

Can I just say that they should not call it anything close to CHILD Protective Services. It seems that the only thing the department has protected our children from is a loving, stable, and permanent family. Thanks guys, really dodged that bullet kiddos.

Today we had a visit, and I don't know if it's the transporter's job to upset everyone, but she has a knack for it. I do a dump and run, because I don't want to be accused of hovering over Mama's time. The other foster parent stays and then gives me the run down. He pulled me aside after the visit and told me that the kids that were placed in the same town as Mama had been going on weekend visits, and they are planning on starting weekend visits with ours after the next hearing on 12/3. He told me a bunch of other things that the transporter said.

I called the ex-mother-in-law who has one of the kids in the sibling group. She confirmed that the local kids were going to unsupervised in home visits every Saturday. She also told me that mama's psychiatrist had recommended weekend visits, the department said no visits, and the judge compromised and made the visits Saturday only.

Ex-MIL told me that she has also been told, like myself and one of the other foster parents, that the department is going to ask for termination in December. What we don't understand is that if they are less than six weeks from terminating, why are they starting in home unsupervised visits? The kids have been in care for over four years, there have never been any unsupervised visits, why would they start unsupervised visits less than six weeks before they terminate rights?

I spoke to CPS this week and they told me that there were no significant changes. Wait, unsupervised visits aren't significant? Of course, I haven't even seen my CPS caseworker since July, and the only reason I saw him then was that he was forced by the judge to lay eyes on the kids before we took them on vacation.

I have long since concluded that the department is either dishonest or incompetent, or that there is a larger criminal force at work here. Remember this is the department who couldn't find a criminal record on someone who was sitting in jail on a probation violation. Why, because they forgot that one can also commit federal crimes. Oops. It frightens me that the welfare of my children are in these hands.

We have been cautioned by our attorney to not distinguish our kids from the sibling group, as that might leave the sibling group vulnerable to reunification. It is easier to reunify three than six. Yet, I am at the point that I don't care. I need to look out for my children, and my family.

I MUST remember that God is in control. I would like it most if we could sit down and speak Mommy to Mama, but it has been forbidden. So, this is something that I will have to leave to Him. I hate it, I want to be able to do something. This is not what I envisioned when I took that call four years ago. This all must stop, and soon.

Great Love

2008-11-17T15:38:00.000-06:00

And here is how to measure it - the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends. John 15:13 NLT

I may be more familiar to you in the NIV

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

I had always assumed that this meant to die for someone else. Our orientation into foster care gave me a different perspective. I'm sure you probably have an idea of what your family will look like when it's complete. Well groomed, well behaved smiling cherubs on your annual Christmas card. What about the other 364 days?

What happens when your perfect scenario come up, but comes with three siblings? What happens when one sibling in the group is not right for your situation. What if you're married to the problem child's father or mother?

I will admit that I've failed many times in the department of giving up my life, so there is no condemnation here. But I being the bigger person literally, shouldn't I have been the bigger person figuratively? How would it have changed my life to love them anyway? How would it have changed theirs? It's hard to weigh, but we've always tried to go with what was best for the whole. It's only easier on paper to have to give up on a child in foster care. It's still a child that you were given to love, and it's difficult to admit that love ain't always enough. When you married into it, biblically there isn't much choice. I don't have step children, but know many step parents, and from what I hear, it ain't easy.

I had to lay down my vision of the perfect family. I know my husband laid down his. And every day, we lay down a little more of our life for them. It's not because we are better, or stronger or have it more together, we certainly don't. I would like nothing more than to wave a magic wand and finalize this adoption, and yet I have to lay that down. New opportunities, in new places we have to lay down. Our lives are not our own, and tomorrow, we will lay them down again.

Can't Wait 'Til That Frontal Lobe Gets Done

2008-11-10T08:00:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I just don't get the teens. Last night Big Boy wanted a bottle, so he emptied an entire, new mind you, bottle of dish soap into the sink. We have a soap dispenser not 10 inches from the sink he could have easily emptied the entire contents of the bottle into, but noooooo.

His reasoning? I had not spent any money out of pocket for it, therefore it didn't cost me anything. Therefore, it had no value.

I took the real cost of the soap out of his allowance. My reasoning, he hadn't yet received the money, therefore it had no value to him. I was wrong, it did have value to him. I still don't think he gets it, maybe in six years.... I won't hold my breath.

Dear babies

2008-11-08T10:09:00.002-06:00

I hope you are having fun at Hannah's house. I understand the purpose of respite is to allow us time to get caught up on things, but it's awfully quiet around here. Last night during dinner, I sat down the entire time. When bedtime rolled around, there were no blankies to find, no drinks to fetch.

I don't think that God intended mommies to sleep until 9:00, I got bored and restless, despite being sick. I could handle it no longer, I got up and cooked breakfast for the boys.

The garbage man came and went, and no one cared. The big boys did not fight for a prime window seat to watch him do his job. I noticed, but again, no one cared. I will say it's not nearly as exciting here without you.

So, we will enjoy the quiet here today, but will be so happy when we can see you again.

Dear Fire Department

2008-11-07T17:44:00.002-06:00

To whom it may concern:

A 5 lb fire extinguisher? In the kitchen? Mounted? Really? You saw my kitchen. It's gorgeous. Where in the decor would that fit? I've looked diligently for a decorative container to keep it in, there aren't any. Having just remodeled my kitchen, had I known these ~~stupid~~ new requirements, I would have factored that into the decor.

Also, I have had many fire inspections, this being my seventh. Why is it that each inspector has a different opinion as to the placement of smoke detectors? And aren't detectors BOTH in and out of the bedrooms a little redundant?

My last, but certainly not least issue....our dead bolts. If there is a window near the door, the police insist that we have a keyed lock, you however insist that we have a non-keyed lock. Which inspector am I supposed to listen to? Am I supposed to keep my family safe from home invasions or fire? Which is more likely? Also, if there is a fire, I will have a 5 lb extinguisher close at hand.

And for convenience, you might have your brother Joe come in right behind you selling enormous fire extinguishers and smoke detectors out of the trunk of his car.

Sincerely,

Annie

Court

2008-11-07T12:27:00.002-06:00

We've got a hearing in our case coming up on December 3rd. I haven't gotten word from our paralegal as to what is going to transpire. He just tells me that it's a placement hearing and he's waiting to hear from the other attorney. If I ever got to speak to the actual attorney, I'd see if she'd try to push mediation. I HATE THIS.

Also have other friends, one is in court today, please pray for a positive outcome. There are some INSANELY BAD things going on there.

Also Hannah's attorneys were in court on Thursday filing her appeal. It could take up to a year for an answer. The prosecutor was on tv last night saying something I'll misquote here, "we offered her a deal, she wanted to go all or nothing on capital murder" no I think she didn't want to plead guilty to committing a crime that she didn't. I admire that, I probably would have pleaded to stay out of jail and with my family, but I totally get it. They probably wouldn't let her plead "nolo" which is, "I'm not saying I'm guilty, but I concede to the fact that you will probably convict me anyway."

Just keep all of these things in mind when you wish the government would do more. It's not their job and they don't do it well.

Attention Grocery Shoppers

2008-11-06T15:59:00.002-06:00

I hope you all enjoyed our shopping experience as much as I. I would like to apologize to everyone who was annoyed by Felpsy shouting "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom." Some of you were kind enough to point out that I should "just answer the boy." How kind of you to offer your advice, I had not thought of answering him, oh wait, I did answer him, the first time, and the 400th time, and the 2000th time. How much more annoying would the experience have been had it gone "mom, what, mom, what, mom, what, mom, what." I might even have thought to stop what I was doing and look him in the eye and ask him "what?" the first time, oh wait I did.

I apologize for trying to socialize a traumatized child, he really should be locked away until he can handle outings and disruptions to his schedule better. Or better yet, I should just realize that after three years I am unable to fix him and send him back into the system that broke him. Wouldn't it be a grand experiment to see what he'd be like in 14 years after switching homes every six weeks his entire life? I do want to apologize for parenting in public, but until the government outlaws it you will have to endure my second hand parenting. Just shut your eyes and ears and walk by quickly, and I'll try not to blow my smoke in your direction.

A Tad RADish

2008-10-30T15:39:00.002-05:00

What was reported to have happened.

I was swinging higher and higher and I could see over the top of the house. I jumped out of the swing and hit my chin on the roof. It didn't even hurt.

What really happened.

I was running out of the house, trying to beat my brother and sister to get the newspaper even though I had volunteered for another job, the first job offered, before I waited to see which would be the most preferred job. In my rage to win, I tripped over my own two feet and scraped my chin on the sidewalk. I cried inconsolably for the better part of an hour.

Never Mind

2008-10-27T13:25:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, you'll remember that we had an issue at McD's. I would like to rescind my thank you.

Guess who had a great social building experience today? Yes, that's right, my ~~not so much~~ babies. Yes, last time they were all yelling and screaming and testing boundaries, and you all thought I was a mean ol' mommy who was both over reacting and not reacting enough.

Well, today, we walked in. No parking lot issues. We went straight to the play area. No stopping to flirt with customers and beg for food. No crying at the soda machine. No crying on the floor regarding the Happy Meal toy we had to have. Just a nice orderly duck waddle to the back. Shoes off, neatly stored. Followed by a briefing on everyone's expected behavior.

"This is the boundary.
You will not scream, you will not take your food away from the table, you will not push each other."

And for 1.5 hours they ate appropriately, stayed where they supposed to, played with four other kids, Boog had to be reminded once that there was no taking the food in the play land. We had only a slight issue when it was time to leave. But again, we walked quietly through the restaurant and through the parking lot without histrionics.

So, there! I did have a plan all along. It just took two weeks to see the results. Of course you weren't there. And the parents who were there today, had no idea I was a horrible parent. Of course I am fully expecting that there will always be issues. Next time might go well, or it might not. The rules will remain the same, even if it means I look like a permissive tyrant to all of you. I would like to reconvene this meeting in the year 2025 and compare the results.....

20/20 Rant

2008-10-25T08:01:00.002-05:00

First of all my rant isn't with 20/20, I think they reported the story accurately, which is something that has been missed by the local media. First off, let me say, that I do NOT know this family. I know people well, who know them well.

That prosecuting attorney really irked me. "I did the right thing in convicting her." What the crap? You didn't even give the jury proper instructions. They found her guilty of omission. Guilty of not getting medical help. What you failed to tell the jury is this, in order to find her guilty of capital murder you have to know BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT, that she withheld medical treatment knowing he would die if she did. One of the jurors they interviewed kept saying "we'll never know" when asked that very question. DING DING DING DING DING, we have reasonable doubt.

If you go to http://freehannah.com you'll see in the appellate papers that at least one juror has issued a statement to the fact that they were unaware that the standard to be met had to be that Hannah knew the boy would die.

As for the camera in the bedroom. I have been asked by many a caseworker to put them in our bedrooms. We've always refused, but they particularly urge it when room sharing is going on between children not biologically related.

In my opinion Hannah is the scapegoat for the incompetence of our system. Both the foster system and the legal system. People were outraged that a child died while in foster care. More importantly, the biological family still had legal rights to the boy and you can bet they were filing lawsuits left and right, convicting Hannah alleviated some of the liability of the state.

The local media focused on Hannah's emotional state in the Urgent Care Center. She was performing CPR when they arrived and wasn't upset enough. So had she been too hysterical to perform CPR that would have been better? Apparently she didn't think he was going to die.

Something else they tried to put out in the media was that Andrew had cigarette burns all over his body. Turns out they were mosquito bites he'd picked at obsessively, and if you've ever been on the south coast of Texas in September you know all about mosquito swarms, they are quite literally the size of house flies.

I hate this whole case. I think that the prosecutor needs to become a foster parent for about five minutes, her whole attitude will change. I think someone needs to bring her a baby that lived for two years with a meth addict and then two years in the foster system.

and another little tangent here, the former foster parent saying "he didn't act like that when he lived with me." Yeah, he was probably attatched to you, but since you didn't want to adopt him, you perpetuated the breaking attachment cycle and amped it up a notch or two. I know attachments can be transferred but neither the state nor most foster parents want to take the time to do it properly. Especially to a family who has never fostered before. It takes four to six months to do it properly, four to six months of the caseworker working with two families for one child. Four to six months that the foster family has to deal with another intrusion in their life. Four to six months seems for ever when all you want to do is bring your child home, but no one explains this to the adoptive parents. When Felpsy came to our house, I specifically begged that they do it as weekend respite for about a month then more frequent visits. They wouldn't do it.

Sorry this is so poorly written and non objective, but I'm emotionally involved here. I'm stuck on the fact that she'd have gotten off with probation had she been driving through the neighborhood and had "accidentally" killed him by shooting 20 rounds into his house. It makes me sick.

But, from what I can gather she is making the most of her time in prison, her husband and church are standing behind her. Let's all pray that in two weeks they'll agree to accept her appeal. I'm also going to find out where I can send her some cards and letters. Her website is asking that you submit your letters online in the contact us portion, they print them out and deliver them to Hannah that way. I'll contact someone here locally and see if we can send actual cards and letters. Let me know if you are interested. In the meantime let's all pray for them.

Local BOTH Family on 20/20

2008-10-24T08:41:00.002-05:00

20/20 will be running a story on this family tonight, catch it if you can. Also go over and read their story. They tell it much better than I could.

The Overton's were adopting a child from foster care, the child died and the mom was sentenced to life without parole, leaving five bio children, one of whom was born after the incident but before her conviction.

This case makes me crazy, from the detective who investigated the case that was married to a CPS Supervisor, can you say conflict of interest, to the inconclusive autopsy reports, to the lies reported by the media. Throw in poor jury instructions and take away the option of lesser included charges and you have injustice at its best.

This mom, barring legal relief, will spend the rest of her life in prison. Gang bangers don't even get that for shooting up houses and killing multiple kids. I encourage you to read their story and watch 20/20 tonight.

But it's the best invention since boobies

2008-10-22T20:22:00.002-05:00

I was waiting in line at Target today, Princess and the neighbor girl decided last night that they HAD to be cheerleaders for Halloween. So, Princess and I went out on a girl date to Target, where else, in search of the ever elusive cheerleader costume. Found one. This is when I realized that Princess had no clue what a cheerleader was.

"NOOOOOOOOOO, that's gross."

$20 bucks saved. Apparently her version of cheerleader is a $4.00 tiara and necklace set. With "bootiful jerls".

So, back to the line, there was a very new mom behind me, complaining to her mother that there were no convenient ways to pack formula while out.

But there are, those little preportioned packs, or better yet the tupperware type containers with the flip top that is the exact right size for dumping premeasured portions of formula. I turned and offered my advice.

"I have those and I don't like them."

Well, I'm sorry, but they are the best invention for feeding a child since the boobie, but if you'd like to haul $30 of formula around in a flimsy topped formula container, be my guest.

Hello? Is there anybody there?

2008-10-15T18:45:00.004-05:00

I got the kids' case file from our attorney today. Mostly the court reports, psychological's boring stuff.

Starting in October 2006 every court paper had the finding that "the children are available for adoption". It repeats that once more in 2006, at least three other times in 2007, and in February of 2008 there is an initial placed next to that finding, and that finding is absent from further filings.

So, one of two things have happened. Either the kids have been available for adoption for two years and no one knew. Or the court and the county attorney, the parents' attorney's, CPS, the ad litem and the fostering oversight department missed a crucial finding for at least 16 months.

I don't know which would be worse.

Also, for those of you who don't believe there are adoptable babies available from foster care, I met a foster parent at the dentist today that has been caring for a child since birth, he is now 18 months. She has no intention of adopting as she is in her early 60's, but they cannot find a home for him. Sad news is that he's bonded to this woman who will not care for him his entire life, because there are people who are too afraid to take the chance on at risk babies.

Now, I know that everyone has to come to terms with what they can handle, but statistics are on the side of adoption if a child stays in care past the initial hearing. There are a lot of kids who are available for adoption. A lot that leave the hospital in foster care. There are also a lot of parents who cannot, for whatever reason, check the box "at risk placements". Fact of the matter is that all children in foster care are placed at risk.

Anyway, with the incompetency that is running rampant in the foster care system, it's amazing that any person would sign up for it at all.

Thank You

2008-10-13T12:53:00.004-05:00

To the Mothers at McDonald's today,

I would like to thank you all for the wonderful advice you all gave ~~whispered to each other while rolling your eyes~~ today during our visit. Regardless of the fact that Felpsy looks normal, he is in fact NOT. What you may call "over reacting", I call setting a rule for the conduct I expect and sticking to it. While you saw a kid running past a boundary to tell his Mom "I love you so much," what was really happening was he was testing that boundary and my commitment to it. While I can see by the way your children conducted themselves today, that you are exceptional parents, it takes some of us a little longer to get things right. I, along with many of my friends here, would be interested in attending your next class on dealing with disorganized attachment and intermittent explosive disorder.

And yes, a four year old yelling "shut up I hate you" may need more severe punishment than "we can no longer play here," I cannot, nor would I, take his food and spank him. Getting such an emotional response from me is what he was looking for, we set up the rules and I followed them. Next time, ~~or the next, or the next....~~ he'll understand that the rules also apply to him. Had I had him for the first 18 months of his life, I'm sure we'd have covered it by now, but he has very ingrained trust issues, and I am not perfect.

Again, your kind comments and empathy have made my day, and I appreciate your loving support.

Annie

Good Parents

2008-10-08T18:01:00.002-05:00

So, over here we were discussing all of the things we would never do as parents. I for one have never ~~not~~given in to whining and such things, nor have I eaten candy while forcing vegetables on the kids. I would be the first to say that I may be the worst parent ever, just ask the teenagers, they'll agree. When it comes to some things anyway.

I was always concerned that my kids were perpetually bruised and scratched, but having seen ER photos of kids who are really bruised and scratched, I know that there is definitely a difference. My kids are at the age where they can wander off to the next room and play. Of course one of them is shrieking right now, is this just trying to get someone else in trouble, or do I need to go check? I've found that when there is blood involved it will find me so that I'm not running to the back of the house every 14 seconds.

There are times when I feel that I'm putting a little too much energy into my current project and neglecting the kids. Of course when neglect hits the radar of the authorities, it's usually because the kids spent the weekend locked in an apartment alone with a remote, 10 sippy cups filled in the fridge and two bags of family sized chips, if they are lucky. I also know that being present does not necessarily mean being present.

I don't read to the kids every single night, I don't bathe them every single day. They don't always get 11 servings of bread, nine servings of fruits or vegetables, one hour of exercise and some days spend too much time in front of the tv. Sometimes they have to wear dirty socks, and mismatched shoes. I loathe the PTA, and soccer. So, does this make me a bad parent?

I sure hope not. My eldest just came home for the weekend from college. She seems to be a functioning adult. If not for the food we are serving here, she might be content to never hang out with us oppressors again. Stark contrast to the other adult children on the block. When we moved into our house six years ago, there were two men living with their parents. One parent quickly told us it was temporary, he's still there, with his kid, who is 11. The other "man" just moved out, but not without stealing all of his parents power tools.

So, I guess I'm at least an ok parent. I won't be winning any awards for being the best, or pretending to be. Who knows what really goes on behind closed doors? But I'm hoping that my children will be functioning members of society when they grow up. I'm hoping that they are healthy about their eating and exercise habits, without being obsessed. I hope they can put the first things first. I hope that I never have to change the locks and install extra security measures to keep them from ripping me off. I guess I won't know if I really am a good parent until I can look back. By then I'll probably Monday morning quarterback the whole thing and see where I went wrong and what I could have done better.

Well, I guess I'll just love them, and do the best I can every day. I'll teach them the things I know. I'll live my life knowing they are watching, and leave the rest of it up to God.

I don't need medicine

2008-09-29T10:15:00.001-05:00

Princess was running a little bit of a fever and I asked her to take some Ibuprofin to help it. She said she didn't need medicine because,

"Daddy could cuddle me better."

How cute is that. If only I had the power to cuddle everyone better.

Friday Mornings

2008-09-29T10:15:00.000-05:00

On Friday mornings my husband gets up to attend the men's breakfast Bible study. He leaves super early. This morning about 2.5 seconds after his feet hit the floor the disturbance in the force was felt and three small children came a running. (No "foster children" were involved in this story, only my children. Foster children always sleep in their own beds by order of law) But anyway there they were, piling into bed with me to keep me company, because there is nothing worse than stretching out in a big bed all by yourself....

It was nice, the boys weren't fighting over anything. One offered to share his pillow with the other. The girl asked nicely for me to scootch over and we all cuddled up.

Of course now we're paying for the lost hour of sleep. But this morning it was nice.

By Request - Adoption Incentives

2008-09-24T16:21:00.002-05:00

IRS Form 8839

In english now...This is the form that you MUST file the tax year the adoption is finalized. If you are not eligible for the tax credit the year the adoption is finalized, for example if your adjusted gross income is greater than $210,000 (give or take), you have up to five years to claim the subsidy. I'd pay a CPA to figure this one out. Private adoption subsidies are "reimbursements" for actual costs related to adoption, home studies, travel expenses, adoption fees, etc. If you adopt a special needs child from foster care, you can claim the entire $11,390 regardless of your out of pocket expenses. Explained here. If your tax liability for the year is less than $11,390 you must also fill out a carryover form.

Federal Title IV adoption assistance - here it explains that most children in foster care are eligible for this assistance.

Here are some of my friends' states

OH
AR
TX
To find yours go HERE and type in the full spelling of your state and "adoption subsidy".

Note that the amount listed for adoption subsidy is for the legal expenses related to adopting the child. Most attorneys who regularly work within the system will direct bill the state and you will not have to pay the attorney nor will you recieve the check. But this is what triggers the IRS adoption incentives. If you qualify for this state assistance you automatically qualify for the IRS assistance under "special needs". Even if you do not receive further assistance from your state. *****legal disclaimer****I am not a professional consult a CPA in your area, don't sue me, you won't get anything.

If you have already adopted prior to this year, you can appeal to get credit for previous years if you were not informed that these incentives existed. Most agencies I've dealt with don't cover this, but I'll bet they have you sign something that says they did, just being cynical. But worth it to look into.

In my circumstance, when we adopt we will be eligible for special needs subsidy, even though our children are normal and healthy. They qualify for several factors, being they are of a minority group and over the age of two. They are part of a sibling group being adopted together. When the children are placed in adoptive placement their Medicaid cards will change from the state's budget to the fed's budget. We will also begin to receive a monthly stipend, based on the level of care the children are receiving when placed into adoptive placement. We will also be eligible for respite and other things. We will not be able to receive those because there are certain hoops we'll have to jump through to receive them. We are not going to be jumping through any more hoops, but each child would receive 50 respite days a year, that could be used for day camps and sleep away camps and respite respite. Our kids would also be eligible for full tuition at any state college. Some colleges even offer room, board and books.

Also note that if you have a child currently placed in foster care once they transfer over to adoptive care you will stop receiving foster care money. Your adoption subsidy will kick in the first day of the next month, so tricky dick accountant says "Don't accept an adoptive placement until the last three days of the month." This will limit your losses. I know we're not doing this for the money, but take advantage of all the programs to their fullest extent.

So, I hope that was helpful. I do just want to remind everyone to check and see if their children qualify as "special needs" generally speaking kids in foster care do regardless of their mental and physical capabilities. Check it out with your CPA - we generally pay about $200 - $400 a year and we have a corporation and many other facets so, investing a couple of hundred bucks to see if you qualify for several thousand may be worth it.

More about Born of the Heart

2008-09-23T16:14:00.002-05:00

Several years ago, when my husband and I decided to foster, we knew no other foster families. The more we got into the fostering, the more we met other families. Of course, not all of them shared our beliefs and values and we found that hanging out at agency functions were tolerable at best. So we fostered alone for the most part.

The only fairly sane foster family we knew had parented several of the children in our house. Being severly RAD, this caused a LOT of conflict when we would socialize. So, we didn't. Again, we were doing it alone, with the help of one sane SW. We dealt with many a SW(social worker) but for the most part, they were no help at all.

So, year after year of not having a mutual understanding with anyone. Yes, six year olds can lie about whether or not they've eaten today. You don't have to declare a state of emergency at the school so that he can eat alone, in the cafeteria, with the lunch ladies, and get extra attention that reinforces the fact that he has a mean foster mommy. I decided that I needed more, and there was no more out there at the time, so I made it up.

That's how I got Born of the Heart. I wanted to substantiate that these children are labored into our families just as painfully as laboring a child from your womb. Different, but the same. Yes, maybe the actual acquisition of a child is 'pain free' but there is so much else pain involved with adoption that goes unrecognized and unsupported.

Whether you decide to adopt because of fertility issues, or because there are kids out there who need it, you are going to have things come up that others just don't understand. Also, as women, we like to talk about it, hash out every little detail, mull over what we did, how it worked, how it didn't, what we'd do better next time, and on and on.... I found that my husband doesn't. Not that he's distant and disconnected. He just doesn't feel the need to. So, I figured a women's group would be the perfect avenue.

Also, our church is a mega church. There are many, many adoptive families. Our pastor has adopted internationally. Worship leaders and small group leaders, we are just a church that is very touched by adoption, and sharing that experience is something that I wanted. So, last year I started this group, the blog followed because it was a good way to communicate our happenings to the group. Then I found the joys of bloggy world and got a whole new community in addition to our group.

One of the other foster mommy's is a frequent visitor here, but we had not met until this past weekend. Another foster family was in a legal battle for their son when we met. I don't know how helpful we were, but we were there to support them through getting the child who'd been with them for 18 months returned to their home and adopted. Another thing we've helped people with is educating them on the different 'incentives' that are available to them as adoptive parents. With private and international adoptions you can write off the actual expenses, when you adopt through the foster system, you get a rebate whether or not you incurred any actual expenses. Many people have not been properly educated on this matter. Many know about the Medicaid benefits and decide not to take them, not realizing the long term implications. That is something I've researched and have helped others with.

So, this is why we're here. To support each other through our journeys as parents of children who didn't come out of our bodies. Be it the paperwork, the legal matters, the parenting issues, or just having someone understand that you are not a crazy foster mommy who doesn't "ever" feed her babies. And to share the joys that are unique to us as well.

Hey Janes

2008-09-20T21:59:00.002-05:00

At our local church we had our women's ministry fall expo this weekend. For those of you 'out there' in bloggy world, this blog was started as part of that ministry. For those of you coming from the Janes expo, first of all welcome, second of all this is where we 'meet' to discuss all of the aspects of raising children who we bore in our hearts. This may mean step parenting, or fostering, or foster/adopt, or domestic or international adoption. And, when I say 'we' meet, I mean that I write and you stop by, commenting if you want. Venting if you need to. Ask questions, there are at least four other people reading this blog on a regular basis. Someone will know your answer.

Also, Janes, we meet......sometimes. A lot of the time we are emailing, or calling, or whatever is needed. I am looking forward to meeting one of my Janes tomorrow when she stops by to help me with my booth. We've communicated so much we both find it hard to believe that we've never actually met. Another BOTH Jane and I see each other often, others not so much.

I am the designated leader of the group, but in no way shape or form the boss of it all. If you need something call me. All of my contact information is on the Janes website. If you got info about our group from a satellite location, let me know you're out there.

Another question posed this evening is the ages of the kids in our group. We have all ages. Babies to teens and everything in between. Should we ever meet I will warn you there is no formal child care. Many of the families have numerous children and finding someone to watch 25-40 kids, Yikes. If you aren't comfortable with the free for all run amokedness that comes with 40 kids in a house then you will need to arrange for your own childcare.

So, whether you adopted 15 years ago or are in the beginning stages of your home study, there is someone here who is going through the same. I will be contacting everyone who signed up at the main campus at some point during the week. And we are so looking forward to hanging out with you. Please don't be scared by what you read or hear here, it's really not that bad. Well, actually it is that bad, but that is why we're here. To help each other through the rough spots.

Happy Birthday - Flipsyde

2008-09-19T08:35:00.002-05:00

Finally some News

2008-09-18T15:35:00.002-05:00

So as you'll all recall, several weeks ago I sent a letter to our Attorney General. I complained that the County Attorney was not doing their job by allowing our children to wallow in foster care for the last 3 1/2 to 4 years. He kindly told me he couldn't help me, I understand that he cannot take sides in a court case, but had he told me he'd light the fire under the butts of the people who were supposed to be looking into this, that would have been good.

So, after contacting the AG, I was contacted by our local representative's legal counsel. He looked into it for me, said that the county attorney was content with it being 'finalized' back in 2006 when the placed the kids in Permanent ~~foster care~~ Managing Conservatorship. He suggested that we hire an attorney, which we already had done.

Our attorney says that a sufficient fire was lit under the butts of the people there and they are sometime in the next 90 days going to 'begin' proceedings to terminate rights. She's going to ~~pester~~ them once a week until they do. We'll have to go there, but at least we can maybe finally get this done.

So, you want to hear the ~~excuse~~ reason they have been unwilling to pursue termination up until this point? Mama was depressed. Mama didn't understand the process. Mama couldn't emotionally handle having her kids taken away. Well, then maybe Mama should have gotten her act together. Mama doesn't appear to have the Mama bear instinct that is a major component of mothering. I think we all know what I'm tired of....

If Anyone Knew

2008-09-17T13:39:00.007-05:00

So, we all have things we don't necessarily like to share. Truth be told, there are very few sold out Jesus freaks from the cradle to the grave. Sometimes, but more often than not the emphasis is more so on the freak than Jesus. I think when you find a true freak from birth that you will find some Jesus freak parents whose lives were a little more scandalous. Or that the freak has been set apart for their role. Those of us who led scandalous lives know the true power of Jesus, yet we hide.

I have always loved Jesus. I loved going to church as a little girl. Loving the church didn't last, but I always loved Jesus. I found that the church was full of people who were pretending to be perfect, because if 'anyone knew' ....(fill in your own blanks). So all I saw were people who acted perfect, because they wanted to be perfect, missing the point that because of Jesus they already were.

Our current election is very divisive on the issue of "choice." Should there be choice? Should the government be involved? In what cases do we deem a choice to be acceptable. I have my opinions but am still quick to say that I never made 'that choice.' I shouldn't be so quick to praise myself, set myself apart from the millions of women who do. I've spoken to women who are only slightly younger than I, who grew up thinking that it was merely a medical option in the event of an untimely pregnancy. They thought that way, because they were taught that way. They thought that way, until they knew exactly how wrong they were. Women need to hear this, before it's too late.

I understand 'choice' I first got pregnant when I was 18, in college, and of course not married. There was no thought as to what I would do. By that time in our history one out of wedlock baby was acceptable. Three years later, I found myself in the same predicament, with another guy. There I was attempting college for the second time, pregnant with my second out of wedlock child, late for my first day of class because of morning sickness. I sat next to someone close to the end of an isle who didn't seem scary. Before we even had exchanged pleasantries she had pulled two things out of her bag. She asked me if I needed either. I told her it was too late on both counts. Too late for the condom as I was already pregnant, and didn't need the Bible because it was just too late.

I, in my naive little mind, could not grasp that God could do anything with my life. I was about one poor choice from a Jerry Springer highlight reel. Luckily, God had other plans. He was able to use even my own rebellion to weave a beautiful story for my life. He has knit together a not so perfect family where this scandalous woman gets a primary role.

My adult life has identified mostly with the woman caught in adultery. Naked and a mess at the feet of Jesus, too ashamed to ask for the grace and mercy that only He can give, and unaware that the crowd has gone. They, too afraid of their own exposure have retreated into their own lives, hoping that know one really knows that which they are too ashamed to speak of.

Thankful there wasn't a doctor in the house

2008-09-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

Listen

2008-09-12T22:59:00.002-05:00

Do you hear the angelic choir? Do you see the 'Touched by an Angel' light. We had a huge breakthrough today.

We were watching Jumanji. For those of you who haven't, the kids in the story have recently lost their parents and come to live with their aunt. Later they meet up with Robin Williams' character, who also grew up without his parents. At this point Felpsy verbalized that 'this movie makes me sad.'

Yes, I get that, but I am so happy that he gets that. I'm not happy that he's sad, rather that he

a. Has emotion other than anger
b. Can recognize emotion
c. Can verbalize emotion
d. Displayed empathy for others
e. Allowed a follow up conversation and was able to work through his emotion.

I asked him why the movie made him sad. He said it's sad that kids don't have parents. He finished our conversation telling me that it makes him feel better when he talks about feeling sad with me.

This is without medication or therapy. He finished the movie without any further problems. We had some other behavior issues later in the night, but I attribute that more to the possibility of an overnight storm and a lack of schedule the last few days, rather than any residual sadness.

He has been sleeping in his bed the last few nights. I'm so excited about all of these break throughs. Further indication that the 75% of life theory has some credibility. We are 12 weeks away from that point. He was placed at 19 months, he'll have been with us for thirty six.

Also proud that we've been able to teach him how to handle his emotions. Guess I'll have to start on my own. (Let's see, I have about 50 more years til I've been here 75% of my life)

Let's Make a Change

2008-09-11T14:06:00.002-05:00

And vote for someone who values life. (Had you worried there for a minute didn't I?) Thanks to milehimama for this.

The best defense

2008-09-08T22:50:00.002-05:00

This irks me. Don't read it if you can't stand babies dieing at the hands of their parents.

When did "I'm too drunk to remember" become a valid defense? Especially when it comes to the care of your child. I have been known to have an occassional drink, but as far as drinking around the children goes. Hardly ever. If I am drinking, my husband is not. If my husband is out of town, I am not drinking. There should always be one competent, sober person in the house with children. Don't you think?

I wonder if it's coincindence.

2008-09-07T20:36:00.003-05:00

For a year or two, I don't know it all runs together, but for a long while Felpsy didn't sleep in his bed. He has a bed, he has always had his own bed in our house, and it was never used. If you asked him it was because of "all the blood" that he would rather sleep on the hardwood floor than on his bed.

When he was first placed with us at 19 months he didn't talk. Unless you count "MOM" as the worst swear word you've ever heard. Other than that he didn't talk. And when we put him in his bed he cried, and cried and cried. Ferber didn't work with him. When he did sleep in was short, and he always woke up screaming. Always. It was not until this year, two and a half years after placement that screaming did not greet us with the rising sun. Every day.

We practiced many hours how to wake up. We would "sleep," we would "wake up," we would "look around to see where we are," and we would say "good morning mom." We did this day in and day out, and we would eventually hear "good morning mom," but only after the initial screams.

He finally learned to wake up without screaming. He eventually found his way into bed. He's been there for awhile, without much anxiety. Until recently. He's back on the floor. Because of all the blood.

As it would turn out, and he couldn't know this, the anniversary of his removal from his first family is rapidly approaching. He couldn't know this because the last time he lived with his first family he was six months old. I've found that six month old children do not keep a close eye on the calendar.

So, I wonder if it is just a coincidence that he is back on the floor tonight. Snuggled up safely between his door and the baby gate that we no longer need.

Traditions

2008-09-07T18:58:00.002-05:00

About this time three years ago, we had a disruption. A very difficult time. We had hoped from the very beginning to adopt the three kids. They came ranging from age 6-13 and left ranging from 8-14. They were TPR so that situation was different from the situation we are currently going through.

I still have a very broken heart for the three of them. The oldest was fourteen and had never spent two Christmas' in the same house. Each family has their own Christmas traditions. They may follow the same basic time line of dinner, Christmas Eve Service, etc, but each has its own unique twist to the basic. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas because the calendar says so, it feels like Christmas because we get in our jammies and drive around town looking at Christmas lights.

Traditions can be done at any time or any place. Making wherever you go feel more like home. Tonight we had macaroni for dinner. Before the kids could talk I would sing "Yankee Doodle" whenever we made macaroni. I'd sing up to the "and called it..." part and then try to get them to say "macaroni."

We hadn't done this in awhile, so tonight when one of them asked what I was making, I told them and then Felpsy said you can't say "macaroni" that's our job. So, we went back and did it right. Up until now, it was our own little secret family tradition. I'm quite sure that I'm ~~not~~ the only person on the planet that does that.

When I was young we would dress up, ~~gag~~ and go across the road to my grandmother's house. Our local extended family was all there, we ate soups with little tiny crackers, and got one gift. The giver had been determined when the entire clan from my father's side gathered at Thanksgiving, immediately after our post turkey hike, and right before the pie. Each year my uncle would build some very elaborate box that required tools to open for the gift his family got our grandmother. I think that we were more excited about the box than our gift. The only gift I ever remember receiving at a Christmas Eve celebration was a watch when I was in the second grade. Because we ALLLLLL got watches in the second grade. Because it was tradition. At precisely 10 o'clock we scattered like the house was on fire, because we all knew we had to be in bed by midnight or Santa would fly by our house and we'd miss out.

I have been lax at the family tradition thing. Probably because I had my kids so young I didn't see the importance. At eighteen everything was still lame. Although I have anxiety to this day when I see stockings on someones mantle before Christmas
Eve, and even worse if the stockings don't match.

I've started a few new traditions lately. We were going to have a first day of summer sno-ball fight. You know, the grodiest pink coconut covered hostess snacks that aren't fit for eating. Well, I couldn't find any around summer time, so I waited until the 4th of July. It was hilarious.

For the past couple of years we've had people from church over for Christmas Eve dinner. It hasn't ever been on Christmas Eve though. We go to a megachurch so Christmas Eve services might start as early as the 22nd. But it's awesome, ham balls, potatoes and gravy, rolls, I love it and hope it continues for years to come.

I've been wanting to start a new one for Christmas ever since my friend told me that their kids only get three gifts for Christmas, because Jesus only got three. It's hard though. You want to get the kids everything. But you can't, so why not get them three special ~~refrigerator boxes~~ things? So, we are going to try to exercise a little self control and limit our gifting this year.

And, I hate to admit this, but for the last three years, my post New Year's tradition has been to take back all the banned substances from my house. Since the kids are still wards of the state, people feel the need to get them things. I appreciate the sentiment, but three small children with 10-15 noise producing toys, can you imagine? So, yes, I Annie, take gifts intended for orphans and trade them in for gift cards and buy other things.

Here is a ~~cry for mercy~~ tip for those of you who would buy gifts for foster children. MOST foster homes have LOTS of children in them. There are the exceptions, but for the most part six is normal. Now take the popular gift items such as Lego's, building blocks, story books that sing, cell phones that ring, 100 piece jewelry sets, Barbie and her entourage, crayons. Multiply that by six and scatter them about your house. That's what I would be dealing with. So, I very lovingly pick out a couple of nice things, and donate what would be useful to another family of many, or exchange them for something that would be useful to our children.

So besides stealing gifts from orphans, what are your family traditions?

Best Picture Ever

2008-09-05T18:48:00.001-05:00

It's at the very bottom. The one of Sarah Palin and her daughter, too cute.

He Hits Me Back First

2008-09-05T12:41:00.003-05:00

Am I the only one who has to deal with this?

Child A slights Child B in some way accidental or otherwise. Child B then hits Child A. Then A hits B back, then B comes crying to me,

"A hit me."

"Did you hit A?"

"Yes."

"Both of you to time out."

While they are heading to time out, Child C does the classic

"Nah nah na nah naaaaah."

"C time out for taunting."

A & B "Nah nah na nah naaah."

Which gets C to lunge at A and B and the fists start flying again. It's like trying to save a mouse from three cats. You're just trying to get out of their with your eyes in their sockets.

"All right you three, I know you haven't started school yet, but at this rate you'll be in time out during Prom."

They would rather stay in time out 'til Christmas than apologize to their sibling.

"I already said 'sorry' to A today."

"Yes, for taking his crayons, this is for something else."

"MO-OM"

"you have to say sorry for everything."

"That's going to take too long."

"Maybe we should work on being nicer to each other."

"But he hits me back first."

Frightening

2008-09-04T23:12:00.001-05:00

I've been waiting for the Follower Gadget to become active on Blogger. It's here. I'm activating it. I hope there are more than 2 of you.

Never Mind- This Doesn't Concern You

2008-09-04T22:54:00.005-05:00

OK - I love you all, some more than others. I really like most people, well that's not true. I have my share of visitors, and I am glad that you feel blessed by stopping by. This post is strictly for my own personal use. I wanted to create a link for all of my private blogs because they disable the RSS on invite only blogs, (as least as far as I can tell) and this seemed like a good place to post them. So, no worries this will disappear into history in a few days, but it will be useful to me. Don't bother clicking the links, they are all private blogs. (Although for you Princess and the Peanut fans, this is your link from my page.)

Min

Princess and the Peanuts

Are They Really Brothers?

2008-09-04T08:51:00.001-05:00

Thanks Christy for this.

Pro Trig Debate

2008-09-04T00:21:00.002-05:00

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I don't know if you saw the RNC on Wednesday night or not. If not you missed a moment in history. The speeches were great, but better than that, little Piper Palin holding her baby brother Trig and looking at him like he was the greatest creation on the planet. Smoothing his hair and loving all over him.

90% of his Down Syndrome counterparts never make it out of the womb. They have gone ahead to Heaven, but what have their families missed by sending them on? Probably their greatest creation.

The next BFF of me.

2008-09-03T17:25:00.003-05:00

I wonder if it's just me or if all the dirt being dug up on Sarah Palin is only serving to make her more likable. We of course know that Hillary has never had a problem a day in her life. Good for her, but ever since most of us first heard the name Sarah Palin on Friday we hear that she has problems.

First, she cannot control her kids or her husband. Not that they are out of control mind you, just that she doesn't have them on the shortest leash on the planet where she can control their every action. Even on a very short leash, one can find trouble if they are looking, right Mr. Clinton?

Everyone is up in arms today that Mr. Palin got a DUI twenty some years ago. Of course there are men in the Senate who, years ago, have allegedly driven drunk, and allegedly caused the death of their companion, how is Mr. Kennedy hailed and Mrs. Palin (who is not the drunk driver)railed?

My take on it all is that she sounds like someone who has the same problems as I. Someone who wouldn't be out of place at one of our barbeque's. I wonder if she's ever given her kids milk that expired the day before? Or forgot to put the laundry in the dryer before she went to bed, and had to send one of the little Palin's to school in dirty socks. I would not bring up the cost of gasoline with her,

"Yeah, Governor Palin, it costs about $48 more a month for me to fill up my tank, what are you going to do about it?"

"Shut up, I have to fly to work."

Seriously folks, the more you find out about her the more I like her, and I can't be the only one. I think this is as close to "we the people" as we're going to get for awhile, especially if the Republicans lose. If this does work, maybe we should completely clean house every couple of years and see what change is all about.

They're Not Mine

2008-09-03T00:26:00.000-05:00

Oh - they are mine in the sense of I feed them and clothe them and yell at them in Target to stick close. But they're not mine.

I would like to think they're mine, but they're not mine.

I would like the state to acknowledge they're mine. But they're not mine.

They came from my body, they should be mine. But they're not mine.

Whether they came from your body or came from your heart, whether they were with you for minutes or hours or days or years they are not yours. They are God's, He saw fit to allow you the privilege of being their parents. I need to remember this, as we get a little closer to all the fur that is sure to fly over these next few months. I do believe it is time for these children to have some parents in the legal sense, but it will not make them mine, per se. I continue to thank God for the privilege of being with them every day. But they're not mine.

Teenage girls get pregnant?

2008-09-02T16:20:00.002-05:00

OK first and foremost if we were discussing Joe Biden and not Sarah Palin, would we even be discussing this? NO. That's right if you aren't going to say it about a man, you shouldn't say it about a woman. If one of the men running had a pregnant teenage daughter this would be a non-issue. And on one side we may not ever even know, there are safe and legal ways to avoid this type of "embarrassment".

Of course we've all seen the Youtube of Obama saying that if one of his daughter's made a mistake he wouldn't want them punished with a child. Yes, that's right, we hand out children to punish people. Some of us get that, others haven't fostered. Yes, please email me, I love to hear what you say.....

Secondly, you cannot control your children's "loins", don't we love that word. I have enough problems with my own loins for crying out loud. Anyone who says that they could control any action of a teenager has never had one. This is also true for children of any age. If your six month old decides it's time to cry, it's time to cry. Even if they've been crying and you have to go to Target, and you can't wait any longer, you can do everything you can to figure out what the problem is, but short of a MacGyver inspired muzzle, that kid may just keep crying. How you choose to deal with it is up to you.

Would I freak if my teenager came home preggers? Yeah. Of course I would really freak if she came home with some post choice regret. I shouldn't be surprised that the libs are using this as more proof that Sarah should be home making some tasty after PTA snack and not governing the state of Alaska, but I am. You supposedly want us out of the kitchen, but only as far as it suits your needs.

Let's not forget that Biden himself missed his own swearing in because he was attending his young bride's funeral. He was being hailed last week for balancing his work in D.C. with his family in Delaware. And if he could do it alone, how is it that Palin can't do it with the help of her husband?

So let's decide how we're going to live this century, are we getting out the chastity belts and aprons or are we going to discuss what's really going on?

Goodbye Glass Ceiling

2008-08-30T19:57:00.004-05:00

Yesterday Senator McCain announced that he had picked the Governor from Alaska, Sarah Palin, as his Vice Presidential candidate. Of course almost everyone in the country went Sarah who?

Immediately the news starts reporting on her Downs Syndrome baby and her Pro-Life stance. The right is celebrating the possible end to Roe v. Wade and I'm sure Planned Parenthood is getting ready their phone campaign to let us all know that our reproductive rights are in danger.

I remember when I lived in Montana, and there was a contentious race between a pro-life guy and a pro-choice woman. I got called and they asked who I was voting for, I told them the guy. They immediately started lecturing me about reproductive rights and telling me if we lose our choice then we lose our selves.

First, I totally believe in choice. Of course I believe it happens well prior to pregnancy. We as women have the right to choose to have sex, and whether or not we would like to protect ourselves from pregnancy and disease. I know that this is not always the case, but I believe that it is now protocol to be given the option of the "day after pill" when you report a rape at a hospital. The problem is that we as women don't choose. We have to assume that any sexual encounter can lead to a pregnancy. Even though my husband has been surgically altered, it's in the back of my mind that we could be the one in a million where it fails. Believe me when I tell you that a pregnancy at this stage in our life would be unwanted, but we would welcome the life.

We have to teach our girls to be the gatekeepers. We need to teach our boys to wait. Even the most Godly young men, I assume, will have a hard time with this, but life is tough. Our girls need to know that you don't find love in sex.

My husband told me that he read a poll that only 3% of the likely to vote population feel that abortion rights are the most important issue in the election. I would venture to guess that the "glass ceiling" vote is more than 3%. I think at this point in our history more women will take the chance on losing their "reproductive rights" than losing the chance to put a woman in that position.

Our pastor often tells us that there are only two other times in recorded history that killing babies was done on such a mass scale. When Moses was a baby and when Jesus was. I'm wondering what is on the horizon that is causing our enemy such fear. I also have no doubt that God's plan will prevail. I don't doubt that our enemy will continue to lie to our women that safe and legal also means without regret. I have not met a post abortive woman who would agree.

I think that the choice will be with us for awhile. This is an area where I think that the government needs to stay out of. I do not believe that it should be legal, but I am also aware that making it illegal will not get rid of it. I also believe that if we make it unnecessary it will matter little if it is legal.

So regardless of whether or not you agree with Sarah Palin's belief on reproductive rights, I think this is a great opportunity for women. From all that I do know of her I absolutely love her for all the same reasons that some of the news outlets hate her. I love the fact that she has not given up her femininity for the sake of fitting in with the men. I love that she adores her husband and he adores her, not just a political media show. I love that she loves guns and wants us to get our own oil. I love that she willingly and knowingly gave birth to a special needs child, and if anyone would have the excuse that a pregnancy and special needs child would be inconvenient it would be a governor. I know that we can't talk about it, but she goes to church every week, and you can't make the case that attending church in Wasilla, Alaska is helping your political aspirations. So, while I was at best lukewarm about the top of the ticket I am totally on fire for the bottom.

Yeah for Attorneys

2008-08-28T11:36:00.003-05:00

I know they get a bad rap, but they sure are nice when you need them. We hired an attorney last week, today was an informational gathering meeting. Everyone finds it so hard to believe that this case is going the way that it has.

They're like, "I can't believe it."

and we're like, "I KNOW."

So, some things to keep in mind when you are talking to the big guy,

This case needs to be heard in OUR county. (Megan stop rolling your eyes....)

We need to never have to appear in court in THAT OTHER county. Having an attorney and a paralegal drive six hours and appear in court, even for ten minutes is about the cost of a car.

CPS needs to roll over and give it up immediately. (which we feel they will do)

And our family needs protection from spiritual attack, Every time we move closer to getting this ball rolling we get hit with something. Apparently us claiming some children for God is upsetting in the spiritual realm and we need some gatekeepers to stand and fight for us while we stand and fight for our children.

Also keep Mama in your prayers, this will be a horrible time in her life, and we had to choose the children and their well being over hers. She is still the mother of half of our children and we do honor her for that.

Thanks for all of your kind words of encouragement, we will let you know how it goes.

Foster Care In Texas

2008-08-27T17:01:00.003-05:00

Since I first reported to y'all that we had to hire an attorney regarding getting our kids out of foster care, people have been emailing me their stories. Let me tell you, it's a stinky place to be in foster care. We have babies living in drug treatment facilities, babies going on visits and ending up in the ER, and CPS getting Permanent Managing Conservatorship (PMC) on babies. Now, I know most of us aren't lawyers but read this:

(b) In determining whether the department should be
appointed as managing[0] conservator of the child without terminating
the rights of a parent of the child, the court shall take the
following factors into consideration:
(1) that the child will reach 18 years of age in not
less than three years;
(2) that the child is 12 years of age or older and has
expressed a strong desire against termination or being adopted;
(3) that the child has special medical or behavioral
needs that make adoption of the child unlikely; and
(4) the needs and desires of the child.

Does this allow for CPS to take PMC on babies. NO!!!!! I see 15 or older, I see 12 or older and not wanting to be adopted, I see unlikely to be adopted. I don't see babies anywhere.

I think we need to start reporting judges for going outside the law. This clearly states that PMC can only be granted under these conditions. If it is granted for other reasons. We should complain.

Do it here

What's a Parent to Do?

2008-08-25T10:40:00.002-05:00

We dropped Big Girl off at college. We are trying our best to let her be a non-child anymore. It was tough. Roommate showed up with a man. Not an older boy, or a young man, but a man man. Not an uncle, step parent, friend of the family. A man she met at the bookstore who offered to drive her six hours to school. CREEPY. But I didn't say anything.

First call home.

"I can't hear you, are you riding in the back of a truck or something."

"Yeah, why?"

We all know why, but I didn't say anything.

We were at her on campus apartment for about 45 minutes total after she moved in, two guys had already come calling. And during another call home there were three over watching movies.

I'm still quite sure that God has her covered, but golly it must be hard sometimes for Him.....

This is the day...: ...of the churning rumor mill

2008-08-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

This is the day...: ...of the churning rumor mill

Christians and Orphans

2008-08-21T15:44:00.002-05:00

According to this there are more Christian families in the world than orphans to care for.

Cute Kid Moments

2008-08-20T23:16:00.002-05:00

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

The doorbell.

"Mom, can you put my blankey in the nice maker?"

What's a nice maker?

It's hot and smelly.

Can you show me? Oh the DRYER.

Best Interest

2008-08-20T10:48:00.004-05:00

The Department of Family and Protective Services. Interesting title. No longer Child Protective Services, as we are all about reunification these days. Which would be great, but it is not possible in all cases. The department is supposed to protect the needs of the entire family. What the kids needed originally was a safe place to stay. That is about the last thing the department did, and that was three and a half years ago.

Since then they have allowed them to stay with a family that they have bonded to. The department will say that they need to stay with us, but on paper is the word, reunification. And we all know that legally paper trumps speech. Ten years from now, should mama have her act together and go into court and say, I want them. Not I want them back, because the kids in my house have never lived with her, but I want them. Will the caseworkers who told us they'd like for the kids to stay with us be around? NO. All the judge will be able to go on is what is on paper. And what is on paper? Reunification.

Almost every clause in the family law statutes dealing with children will have the phrase, "best interests of the child/ren". Right now we are not the ones deciding that. We are, on a day to day living kind of way. But anything that doesn't involve food, clothing and shelter needs to be run through the department. There is a pool fifteen minutes from our house, it's in a different county. Each and every time I would like to take my kids to a pool 15 minutes away I am supposed to call and get permission from the department, caseworker not around? Can't go. Every time my husband and I want to go to dinner by ourselves we have to hire someone who has been approved by the department. If we want to go on vacation we have to get permission from the court. When we were going on vacation in July, we asked for permission in April. It came down to one hour before we were supposed to leave for the airport. We had to provide them every detail of our trip including flight numbers and hotel information way back in April, and yet two hours before we left we were not legally able to take them. We cannot save for their college. I'm just wondering where their best interests are right now.

This morning we paid an attorney to find out for them. We get to present our side, they get to present theirs. Since it is a civil matter we go with preponderance of evidence, not beyond a reasonable doubt. The scales only need to tip ever so slightly in our favor. I think that was what went wrong when the state tried it two years ago. They thought they needed reasonable doubt. If that were the case very few people would be allowed to even have kids. Can every parent prove legally that they are, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the best interests of the kids are always foremost in every decision. I think not, I can say that my husband and I always try to keep each child's best interest in mind, but somewhere along the way what is best for each child may not be what is best for the entire family. It may be best that for Big Girl that we buy her $10,000 worth of photography and computer equipment so she can have every advantage in pursuing photography as a life. It may be best for Felpsy if we move to Baltimore and have him trained as a swimmer by the best. As a family unit, those decisions might not be best. I think that what is in the best interest of our BOTH children is that they have a family who can decide.

Name Change Alert

2008-08-19T11:11:00.002-05:00

I know there is a whole controversy on whether or not to change the name of a child of adoption. I know families who have, and I know those who haven't. I fall on the side of not doing it, but in cases where the kid is named "baby boy" or all the boys are named Larry (seriously, four boys named Larry) and when joining a family where everybody has the same initials buy ME, I'll allow. Actually, it's your kid and your decision. I for one was named one thing and called another my whole life, we call all of our kids nicknames, a habit I picked up from my father. I seriously thought my name was Anabel Lea, until Kindergarten when I went to class and told the teacher my name was Annie, and she said it wasn't. She asked my real name, I replied Anabel, nope. When they finally called out my Grandma's name, they decided that was me, it wasn't. It was my Grandma. That story for another day.

I did want to tell you that we are changing the online moniker of Lil Middle. Originally they were all Big Girl, Big Boy, Big Middle Boy, Lil Middle Boy, Little Boy and Little Girl. Their names have evolved at just the right time. Lil Middle's time has arrived. After the great 8th medal, the swimmers were saying that people with big flipper feet would no longer be referred to as Spitzfeets, they would now be Phelpsfeets, we knew that Lil Middle would forevermore be known as a Phelpsfoot, due to his freakishly large feet and love for swimming. Although, since I wrote this about Michael Phelps, I need to change it a little so that there is the proper homage to him, without being stalker creepy. So, Lil Middle will now be referred to as Felpsy.

In other business, we are paying the attorney this week to get started on finalizing the whole deal for us, and possibly changing all three of the kids real names to our name. Please pray for God's favor on us, and that the money goes a loooong way, or that it doesn't need to and it will be super easy and be the easiest money the attorney ever made. It would work out great if we could finalize this when they are all four next year. It gives us six months and some change.

This is the day...: ...Dexter Season 2 on DVD

2008-08-19T10:59:00.000-05:00

My favorite fictional foster child - read what I said here
This is the day...: ...Dexter Season 2 on DVD

My Former Acquaintance and New Friend

2008-08-18T21:47:00.002-05:00

I've found a new friend, in a very strange place. Right under my nose, and in what seems to be a theme for me, for some reason, she is now gone. I met her a couple of years ago as we went to same church and frequented the same Bible studies and play groups, and yet we never became friends. Despite all of the time together it never got past the "Hey, how are you, the kids? Good, good. Have a nice day." portion of the program. I knew people who ADORED her. I didn't get it. I would often think to myself "what are they seeing that I'm not?"

On paper it seemed possible that we could be good friends. She had a boy the same age as mine. Her family had adopted. She had teens and tweens and had to deal with multiple kids at multiple stages and BOB children and BOTH children. But there was never a tipping point.

Earlier this year God called her family away from our little corner of the world. I know that God brings people into your life for a reason. There is no one in your life that God hasn't allowed to be there. I wondered why God had her in my life. In the past I will admit that she annoyed me. OM Gosh, there I said it. It was nothing that she did, she didn't pull my hair when people weren't looking or repeat everything I said in a sarcastic nasal voice, there was truly no reason for me to be annoyed by her. I knew there would be several times this summer where our paths crossed. I wanted to know who she really was.

So as the summer went on I would notice that her friends really adored her. I began to see her as very caring friend. I saw her love on her kids and if she was ever annoyed by them I didn't see it. (Except for the txting of the person sitting next to them which I don't get either). And the closer she got to leaving the more I got it.

Here's another area where we are probably more alike than I'd like to admit. As she started to let me in a little, I realized I don't let people in very easily. Sure I will let you in on the foster thing because most of the time there is a crisis brewing and I need people around who are aware of what's going on so if it ever hits, I don't have to go through the whole back story, I'll just have people showing up and loving on me. But other areas of my life are off limits.

So now that there is a gulf and a state between us I see even more. I can see that us girls all see a major move as more than a checklist of

Pack the house
Pack the truck
Unpack the truck
Get on with life

For us girls it doesn't work that way. Even when we know that we are exactly where God wants us, we miss our stuff. Yes there will most likely be a Target where we go, but it's not our Target, sorry Sohlgal. Which Starbucks is the best? Will our kids adjust, will we? Are we going to be able to find a non scary church? And knowing that right now there is no place we can go and curl up in the fetal position and ugly cry and be reassured by one of our girls. And one day our emotions find us in a strange place and we just want to feel at home.

So, I thank God for living in the age of the Internet, where friends are as close as we are to a computer. And that we can find understanding with people we may otherwise never know. And for my new friend who has let me in and reminded me that I need to let others in as well.

But Most People Do Not

2008-08-18T05:47:00.004-05:00

The following is from a tv show called State of Mind. The show was set in a counseling practice. This episode dealt with the child counselor who was seeing a ten year old boy recently adopted from Russia. His parents wanted to get him evaluated to see if he was "broken". They were thinking that it was not a good fit. The counselor at one point asked where this boy would fit. Not the country club. He'd spent seven years in an orphanage, cold and hungry and probably had allowed himself to be sodomized for dry socks. Thus ending the parent/counseling relationship.

Later in the tv world wrap up where it all ends nicely this is what was said: (sorry for the punctuation errors)

"It's not brain damage, it's anger and he's terrified and he's had ten bad years and it will take that long to make it better. And you can get the most elaborate work up in the world and what no one will want to tell you, because no one would want to hear it, is that this boy is going to spoil your family vacations. He's going to give you headaches at school, he's going to break the toys you give him, and probably even though you are decent people you are going to get to know the police a lot better than you expected.

We were hoping you could help us avoid all of that.

There is no avoiding, there is dealing with it. There is preparing for it and working hard so that he only gets picked up for a B&E at 14 and not armed robbery at 16. But it is so much work. The world, schools, orphanages, people like me. We have no right to expect you to work this hard. No one loves without expectation, no one gives without wanting something in return. To keep this boy, there is no reason for you to choose this.

People do. Some people make the hard choice.

Yes, they do, and a few, they feel blessed. The kids and the parents because they have done what most of us never do. They have given all they have without expectation. They have persevered and loved when love made no sense and they have saved a life. But most people do not."

This Week In Review

2008-08-17T02:25:00.003-05:00

My actual interactions dealing with foster care this past week.

Phone call: Mrs. (so and so), this is (someone) from CPS. I was wondering if you still had (Lil Middle) in your care?

I thought they had some way of keeping track of these things.......

Letter: Foster Parent,

Please verify whether Booger and Princess are receiving services from ECI. (Early Childhood Intervention)

My Email Response: No Booger and Princess are not receiving ECI services, ECI is not available to children over the age of three.

Their Email Response: We need ECI to provide a written statement as to why Booger and Princess did not receive their services.

My Email Response: Booger and Princess were never evaluated for ECI services. Their pediatrician never referred as they exhibited no occupational delays.

Their Email Response: Please forward to us a statement from ECI stating why Booger and Princess never received their services.

OK Dear ECI Please send me a letter telling me why you never provided services for children you never knew existed.

Our med class revealed that Lil Middle's anti anxiety medication has a side effect of "anxiety, agitation". That's helpful.

Our sitter for next weekend flaked on going to training. That means we cannot leave the kids alone with her while we are out of town. That seems inconvenient. This also rules out our September trip and possibly our October trip. Or take the kids. Nothing says romantic getaway like five kids.

The other foster parent in my life notified me that there will be a visit on Monday. I was not informed of this, although the CW for our children did not notify him either. The CW of the other child he has (mama's minor brother) notified him. Luckily that CW understands that I cannot personally transport six kids 3.5 hours by myself and that CW has set up transport for the family to come here. FINALLY. To be clear about that I did offer to transport the kids to visits. THREE YEARS AGO, when the visit was maybe once a month and only 40 miles away. 18 months ago they called and said they were picking up the kids because they weren't able to see mama enough. At that point I agreed to take my three and their brother. I did not EVER think that three and a half years into this I would be expected to take every minor child associated with this family wherever they needed to go, whenever they needed to get there. I guess I'm just too nice, bet you'd never have guessed that.

Unwanted Children

2008-08-16T16:21:00.003-05:00

I came across this it appears to be a site maintained by an adoptee. She refers to herself in many places as an unwanted.

My experiences with adoption are not limited to wanting to become an adoptive parent. My first husband (whom we'll call B)was adopted as a child. He was initially placed in a foster home, but went home with his parents at two weeks of age. He knew that he had been adopted his entire life. His birth parents were teens and decided they were unable to properly care for a child. They provided a lot of information as well as gifts. This does not indicate to me that he was unwanted. He did not feel the same.

B blamed himself for his parents divorce, what kid doesn't, he would often say 'my real parents left me, my adoptive parents left me, you're going to leave me' he beat me to the leaving.

I frequent a lot of blogs written by parents who want so badly to have a child. I know several people personally who have adopted. If there is any child in the world that should feel loved and wanted it should be a child of adoption. Biologically speaking having a child can take almost no forethought. Not so with adoption. There are no adoption "accidents". Oops we adopted.

At the very least there are hundreds of papers to sign. Travel is often involved. Someone is writing a check somewhere along the way, and at the end of it all you have to raise your right hand and promise to be the parent forever and ever amen.

So, I guess I want to know where these very wanted children get the message that they are not wanted. Is it innate? Is it conveyed? Is it that they like so many other kids have parents that are human and cannot fully convey the love they have for their children?

If you asked me today if my parents loved me I could answer a thousand different ways. Yes. Period. I don't know. Who knows what is in anothers heart? What I do know is that there are times I felt loved, and times I did not feel it. I do know that my Dad worked about a thousand hours a week and didn't do the hands on parenting of the house. I know that my mom hands on parented seven kids who aren't in prison and for the most part are productive members of society. All of us have great potential. I would suspect that there were times that my dad would have rather been in our warm, loud, crazy home than on top of an oil derrick in the middle of a Wyoming winter. I know that my mom went to bed most nights alone. I know that I had breakfast everyday, a packed lunch when I wanted it and dinner around the table every night. I suppose that more care could have been taken in some matters, but also realize that my parents meant me no harm. I would say my parents love me the way they know how. My feeling it or not does not take it away.

I also know that being a parent is exhausting, whether it is one or eight. I've done both and both are hard. There are some kids I connect better with than others. Sometimes Princess and I are oil and water. Oedipus maybe, who knows. I also know that I don't understand why Radical is at times so emotional. I don't always know what to say to Big Boy when his MySpace emotican is blue or mad, or when he loses a robot fighting match, or when he wins one for that matter. I know that Lil Middle announces that he sometimes loves me and he sometimes doesn't. Big Girl is leaving for college on Thursday, I don't have a lot to say. Booger is the most giving of love and affection and also the most receiving.

You can feel love, you can feel the absence of love. Can you feel love that is not there? Can you not feel love that is there? That is the problem with feelings.

Economy of Foster Care

2008-08-16T05:28:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not know foster care pays (not very much). Here are my money saving tips for those of you who haven't figured it all out yet.

First, I charge them for all services I provide. I will tuck them in at night, but it will cost them an ear wiggle. At certain times decided by the phase of the moon or tide schedule tucking in will go on sale. During sale times the change due for an ear wiggle is a tickle. Tickles are like pennies, they cost more to make than they are worth, but to them it feels like a real bargain.

I save all ear wiggles until I have enough to buy earrings, I purchased my last pair.....in April.....2007ish, or maybe it was 2006. But my husband did buy me a pair for our anniversary in 2007. They were made from volcanic ash, cool huh? I figure I've got about enough to buy new pair unless there is another sale and I have to cash in some ear wiggles for tickles.

Next I only feed them hot dogs, and most of the time cold ones. What is it about three year olds and cold hot dogs? This strategy does save us four cents a year on electricity that would have been used heating them up, it's more of a tortoise than a hare road to riches.

Next they are only allowed one outfit. Booger has chosen a car shirt, that has 47,000 miles on it, he pairs it with a fancy pair of "black" shorts that are actually tan. They are not dirty, he just insists that they are black.

The four year old likes to cook which saves us a ton of money on our chef services. He also likes to sweep and we have since let go of the maid. He has also shown a proficiency for decorating. We like to call his style "Early American Childhood." We are expecting Oprah to replace her cutie pie with ours, I think it will all the rage in households across America with children under the age of five.

Booger enjoys doing the laundry and Princess likes to "wash dishes", actually all three like that one. Washing dishes almost always entails "mopping the floor" thereby combining the two jobs into one. Another creative work combo is bathing/mopping bathroom floor.

My next big tip is to take them out to eat often. The big box warehouse stores often offer samples around lunchtime, we practice our "pathetic orphan" faces during the week and can usually get out of there spending only $100 - but with a free "lunch". This also applies to the snacks offered at church, I have taught them that if they "spill" theirs they can get a replacement, but while the church worker is preparing a second cup of goldfish to hurridly eat the original fish off the floor. Our church also has fruit and granola bars, if they are fast and snappy they can stuff their pockets with three or four granola bars while I am "socializing" and we are covered for snacks.

I saved hundreds of dollars on swimming lessons, I taught them myself. This has worked well for me as I am also lazy. I no longer have to practice my tennis spectator head jerks while I am alone with three little ones at the pool.

I of course get paid quite heftily for the other services I provide. Playing outside always nets me flowers. When I tell Princess how pretty she looks she responds with "no, you look pretty", they always, and I mean always say "thank you mom for making dinner" and I didn't teach them that one.

I would also point out again that you can claim your orphans on your taxes, but that seemed to upset some people. I know I should be doing this out of the goodness of my heart, but Walmart isn't hiring right now. When they do, that will be my big money break. I can work 8 hours for more money. Wahooo. At that time I will dump them all at the nearest state office and buy myself a convertible. For those of you upset that I'm claiming the foster children on my taxes and not caring for them solely out of the goodness of my heart, rest assured as soon as the state gets their act together and terminates their parents' rights, I won't change anything other than their last name. And I urge you to check out what the irs says on the matter. Don't google it, you'll get more opinions of people who know nothing about the tax code. Don't ask your case worker, it is out of their realm of expertise. irs.gov - that's all I'm saying.

So, what money advice from me would be complete without the following, tithe and stop using credit.

My Wrist Has an Attachment Disorder

2008-08-15T10:24:00.002-05:00

Ten to twelve years ago I tweaked my wrist, ever so slightly. I dislocated a bone, I remember it happening, my arm fell instantly asleep. When it woke up it was hurting. I went to a doctor and was given prescription strength Naproxin and a wrist brace. After a couple of weeks it felt better.

Eight or so years ago it started to hurt again, baby carrying wrist. More Naproxin, wear the brace, on with life. Off an on throughout the years it has hurt, Naproxin would make the pain go away and soon enough it was sore so often I forgot that it was.

A month ago while visiting a doctor about my shoulder he was trying to discover how far down my arm the problem went. He was feeling down my arm and got to just below my elbow and asked, "what did you do to your wrist?"

"Oh, that..." and I told him the whole story. He told me that it was likely that my wrist problem caused my shoulder problem. We addressed the wrist problem and my shoulder pain has gone away. My wrist is so used to being all jacked up that it hurts to be normal. I go and get my wrist adjusted to normal and it hurts like crazy, hours or days later when I hear it pop out of normal it feels better, but I know it only feels better, it is broken.

How many foster kids are out there all jacked up, but have numbed themselves to the pain? Sure it used to hurt that their parents didn't care about them, that nobody bothered to feed them or change them, but eventually it became normal. Occassionally something would remind them that the broken nature of their relationship was not normal and it would hurt for awhile, then the hurt became normal.

Our job as foster parents is to adjust them back to the correct position. There is nothing we humans like better than feeling good, even when we are broken. We had a girl who would go door to door in our neighborhood asking for food and money. She had all she needed at our house, but it felt more normal to beg from strangers than it did to ask her "parents".

And like my shoulder tried to protect my wrist and then became the more noticable problem, these kids protect their broken normal and end up with other problems. In the seventh grade no one can recall if they were left for days at a time in soiled diapers, but their brain knows it. Their brain protects them from trusting too much, or relying on others too much, and then they develop the social disorders. They become Oppositional Defiant, or get a Conduct Disorder. And because we can't get the brain to let go of what happened twelve years ago we try fruitlessly to what appears to be the problem, but isn't the problem at all. If we could correctly identify what the problem was, then the compensating problem would go away.

I know that my wrist, after being out of place for over ten years, will not be better tomorrow, or next week. It may take years for what is normal to feel normal again.

If Princess Twittered

2008-08-14T15:04:00.003-05:00

Today's tweets

I'm scratchin' my butt.

Can I put koolaid in milk?

Who took my cheese?

Where is my blanket?

Where are my shoes?

My friend is here!!!!!

Ooh package man.

Lil Middle is standing on the window.

SHUT UP!!!!!

I don't want to take a nap.

When are we going to eat?

AG's email to me

2008-08-12T11:41:00.003-05:00

Thank you, blah, blah, blah, we appreciate you contacting us.

Here's some other people you can contact.

The NORTHWEST legal aid, committed to helping non custodial parents with their legal matters, in the counties located in the NORTHWEST part of the state. Last I checked, we were SOUTHEAST, and the custodial parent. They will assist me in getting visitation for kids that LIVE WITH ME. Locating my children, WHO LIVE WITH ME, and help me get my child support obligations reduced. But only if I live in the NORTHWEST part of the state, which I do not.

Also referred me to a father's rights legal website, that will assist me in determining who the legal father of my babies are.

And finally, to my local CPS office. Hey, I think that's who I'm complaining about, my local CPS office who isn't doing their job. "Hey will you actually start doing your job? Thanks" apparently I just have to ask.

Well, AG, I appreciate you contacting me. I will try getting some help from the guy who replaces you.

The Church of the State

2008-08-12T10:20:00.002-05:00

My born of the heart babies are eligible for all sorts of government programs. They can receive WIC, Medicaid, Headstart, and various other things. We were turned down for Headstart because we knew we'd be absent at least 18 days and the director believed that our slot would be better utilized by someone who would be more likely to be there. I can't say I was disappointed. I have my BOTH babies in a church program, I know what they are learning, even though it costs me $600/month.

They do receive Medicaid. Which is good, I guess because of all the things I'm required to get for them medically. Things like psychological evaluations. And Princess has a heart condition, so keeping up with that in the beginning would have been quite costly without the aid. The more dangerous of her conditions righted itself, and the other condition is being monitored on a three year basis now. And there may come a time that she is inelligible for private insurance. But let me tell you it's a pain in the butt.

With WIC, I go back and forth on. The kids receive 7.5 gallons of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 2 pounds of cheese, 36 ounces of cereal, 18 ounces of peanut butter, and 4 gallons of juice each month. The problem is because they are in foster care, I have to go to the WIC office each month to receive the checks, they might move and then there would be all these checks out there.... Regular WIC clients get three months of checks at a time. Now I know I shouldn't complain, it works out to about $60/hour and it's "for the kids". My problem is taking money from the government that I don't need.

My husband have been quite blessed financially these last few years. My husband taught himself a valuable skill and is compensated quite nicely for it. Also, we tithe and God has kept his end of the bargain by flooding our storehouse. Our annual income is greater than our mortgage balance, and the mortgage will be gone shortly. So we don't "need" government assistance.

I wish all Christians would revolt against government assistance. Get rid of food stamps and WIC and Aid to Families with Dependent Children. Get rid of government housing assistance, and job training program, don't even get me started on education programs. And last but not least FOSTER CARE. Now, that you're all upset, calm down. I'm not saying that the poor need to get it together or die, I'm saying that it's not the government's job to take care of them. It is the job of the Church to take care of the poor and the widows and the orphans.

The problem with us delegating our job to the government is two fold. First, it hits us where it hurts, the pocketbook. Higher and higher taxes and the results of such programs are marginal at best. If you think that your goverment is more capable than your church of handling your money, then maybe you should find a new church. The ones who are utilizing these services have to make it a way of life, the government says $x makes you eligible, make $20 more and you no longer qualify for hundreds of dollars worth of assistance.

Secondly, when people are hurting and in need, they don't need to cry out to God, they just have to fill out a little paper work and the government will take care of it for them. They can thank their Uncle and not their Father. We become complacent and ticked off, we excuse ourselves from doing our job, because the government will and we can look down on the poor for not being able to get out of the trap.

Maybe you think the government needs to be involved so they can provide oversight of these programs. I don't believe that would be a problem if you were personally handing over your money. You'd provide the oversight. Times that by 100 million people and the government can go home.

I do take the WIC most months, I give almost all of it away to other foster parents who have older kids and don't qualify because I know how much the government is paying for their fostering services. I do think I'd feel better just buying them a few things and leaving the government out of it.

I'll let you in on another little secret, as I said before we make more than the average American, but unless it's a year that they impose the Alternative Minimum Tax on rich people, (this year it's $45,000 married filing jointly. Yeah if you make less than the average American you can still be considered one of the "rich".) we don't pay taxes. Oh, but you're rich you should pay taxes. Well, tithing and taking care of orphans, which are tax deductable if they live in your house six months and one day, gives us enough deductions that our taxable income is a couple thousand dollars, which makes us poor on paper, and therefore income tax exempt.

Ask any teacher how the government is doing with education, or any foster parent how well the government is taking care of orphans. Of course we're all too busy trying to keep our head above the regulations to be able to change any of it. Let the teachers teach and the parents parent. Let the church care for the poor and the widows and the orpans.

Instead of sending all of your money to the government give it to a charity. We choose to give it to our church, but give it to any cause you believe in. It doesn't even have to be a church thing, just a duty as an American, take care of YOUR house, help out YOUR neighbor. If you can't personally care for an orphan, help a family that's already taking care of one. If we would all take back our job from the government then the government could stick to what it does best, defending us against terrorists.

My email to the AG

2008-08-11T12:38:00.004-05:00

I've changed the identifying information, but other than that, I sent this to our Attorny General. Here's to hoping that someone in the state actually upholds the law.Mr. Attorney General,

We have had three children placed in our home as foster children since 2005. We are getting no resolution at the county level, and need assistance in getting this case resolved. I will provide as much information as I think may be pertinent and you can contact me at any time regarding this matter either by email or by calling me at MY CELL PHONE NUMBER

The case is out of XXXX County. I have had no contact from them regarding hearings or any legal matters throughout this entire case. I do not know who is presiding over this case, nor do I know the name of the Ad Lidem for the children. The ad lidem has never contacted us.

DFPS has permanent managing conservatorship granted 5/26/2006

The mother's name is MAMA- her dob is X/XX/84 and her social security number is XXX-XX-XXXX in the past year she has been arrested and spent time in jail for smuggling immigrants.

The father's name for the children that are in my care is NOT RELEVANT I do not have a dob and have two ssn's XXX-XX-XXXX AND XXX-XX-XXXX- his rights were terminated in 2006 as well as all unknown fathers.

The children that have been in my home are:

PRINCESS - dob X/XX/2005 placed 2/28/2005 thru OUR OLD AGENCY in OUR TOWN - we transferred to OUR CURRENT Agency in 2006 when OUR OLD AGENCY closed their OUR TOWN office.
BOOGER - dob X/XX/2005 placed 2/28/2005 BOOGER AND PRINCESS are twins
LIL MIDDLE dob X/XX/04 placed 9/30/2005 thru OUR OLD AGENCY IN OUR TOWN

LIL MIDDLE, as far as we have been able to document was taken into care in September of 2004 when an older brother was treated for a spiral fracture at the ER in MAMA'S HOME TOWN. At that time he was placed with an aunt who was caring for her own children as well as an older brother of LIL MIDDLE. The twins were placed with the same aunt at birth, but were removed in late February due to the aunt not honoring the safety plan and allowing the children to stay with their parents for extended periods of time. On February 28, 2005 the twins were placed in our home, and have been with us ever since. LIL MIDDLE and his older brother JM dob 10/XX/98 were placed in another foster home at the time. Between 2/28/2005 and 9/30/2005 LIL MIDDLE AND JM were placed in at least four different foster homes. They both came to live with us on 9/30/2005 but we could not care for the needs of JM and he was moved to the home of SUPER DUPER FOSTER PARENT OF THE YEAR on 10/11/2005 - where he has remained since that day.

Aside from JM there are two other children.
NANO IV dob 1/XX/2002
LIL GIRL dob in late November or early December of 2005

MAMA has been living with family members off and on, and recently two children from that home have been placed in foster care due to neglectful supervision. The boy has been placed in the home of SUPER DUPER FOSTER PARENT so that he and JM could be placed together. The girl, is placed in another foster home here in OUR TOWN.

There have been three different case workers involved in this case
NAME AND CONTACT INFORMATION FOR THREE CASEWORKERS

We get conflicting infomation regarding this case. One time we will be told that this is "mom's last chance" to complete her service plan, then we'll find out they gave her an extension. It is my understanding that CPS would like to terminate the rights, but the DA in THEIR County feels they resolved this case when they were granted Permanent Managing Conservatorship. I have not spoken to anyone officially, just what I can gather from talking to the Grandmother who is caring for NANO.

It is my understanding that Permanent Managing Conservatorship should never have been offered in this case. According to Texas Family Code 263.404
as none of the qualifications for granting it apply to the children involved.

I also feel that the court should terminate her rights as she has directly violated § 161.001. (O) failed to comply with the provisions of a
court order that specifically established the actions necessary for
the parent to obtain the return of the child who has been in the
permanent or temporary managing conservatorship of the Department
of Family and Protective Services for not less than nine months as a
result of the child's removal from the parent under Chapter 262 for
the abuse or neglect of the child;

At this time she is unable to provide all of the children with a safe and permanent home. As I mentioned earlier, two kids were removed from the home where she is living in the last month or two. It is my understanding that she continues to change family counselors and has not completed any items of her service plan.

Also 161.003 (3) also applies as the department has had permanent managing conservatorship since May 2006 and has made reasonable efforts to provide services to the mother that would help in her ability to care for the children. At this time, 2 years and 2 months after the PMC was granted, the mother is still unable to care for her children.

We have been told by CPS in THEIR TOWN that they are unable to pursue termination after it has been denied. We feel that 161.004 covers this - it is in the best interests of the children in that the children have now been in a stable environment for over three years and there are no immediate plans for reunification.

We would very much appreciate any help you or your office could be in resolving this case. This is the only home the three children we are caring for have ever known. At this point it would be in their best interests to remain here. We will do anything in our ability to make sure that they remain with us, but until this matter is resolved in a legal manner we are at the ultimate mercies of the department.

We would also ask that should THEIR County refuse to terminate the parental rights of the mother that the jurisdiction be moved to OUR County as the children have lived here well over the six month requirement as stated in§ 155.203. DETERMINING COUNTY OF CHILD'S RESIDENCE. In
computing the time during which the child has resided in a county,
the court may not require that the period of residence be continuous
and uninterrupted but shall look to the child's principal residence
during the six-month period preceding the commencement of the suit.

Added by Acts 1995, 74th Leg., ch. 20, § 1, eff. April 20, 1995.

Again, we have three children that we would love to adopt and remove from foster care. There are now five other children in this family in foster care. Two more that would be adopted the moment this case is resolved. And would really appreciate your help in this matter, as we have gotten no where with the county.

Thank you

my husband says it's time for me to go to law school

Does This Sound Like Anyone You Know?

2008-08-10T23:40:00.003-05:00

His dad said he wouldn't have wished his child on his worst enemy. His dad goes on to explain how his son drove him crazy, from sun up to sun down it was non-stop action. Every day was a million questions. They could not do anything as a family because they were always out searching for this kid. He was never where he was supposed to be, he wouldn't sit still in school, his parents contemplated renting office space at the school because they were there so much. Know what I'm saying?

The mom of another child said that her kid drove her nuts. He had so much energy and she couldn't keep up with him. He too asked question after question. Boundless energy.

Another mother said her son was exhausting. He had too much energy. He would even fidget out of his clothes at school.

I know how this ends, and seeing both sides of it I think they are humorous stories from their childhood. But living it everyday is another story. We have a boy that is 100 miles an hour or he's fast asleep. He literally climbs the walls, runs in circles, inquires about anything he sees, or hears, or thinks of.

Our stated goal as foster parents is to socialize our foster children, and make them fit in and become normal. This is why most of them come with medication. It is not just in foster care that we are trying to chill everyone out. Now, I can only imagine what 10 boys like I described would do to a classroom. I don't advocate allowing them to be disruptive because ADD worked out well for others. I do think that we as parents, teachers, coaches and other involved adults need to find more constructive ways to deal with their energy than Ritalin.

The first kid I described was the late Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. No surprise there that he was a little out of control as a child, he was out of control as an adult. Can you imagine trying to keep him in the boat as a child. His dad's worst enemy wouldn't have taken him. Steve's dad did say in the very next sentence, that as an adult he wouldn't have traded him for the world. He just had to channel ALL of that energy into something that his child was passionate about.

The second kid I described was Michael Phelps, his mom said swimming was the only thing that slowed him down a little, and he's competing in his third Olympics and trying to get 8 gold medals this time around. Again, his mom found some positive way to channel his energy.

The last, is every body's favorite, Ty Pennington. He appears on TV every week, yelling and jumping around like he's on fire. And that's on medication. Can you imagine how crazy he'd be without it? Again, he found a passion and channeled his energy and he's done ok for himself.

I struggle everyday to keep up with the four year old in our house. I know it would take little more than a phone call and he could be medicinally under control. I don't want that for him. I just need to get him in the pool, or chasing crocodiles, or maybe he can start repainting all the walls that he's already decorated. I need to find something that will slow him down so that I can keep up with him.

Post Adoptive Services

2008-08-09T12:11:00.002-05:00

It amazes me the number of people I talk to who are not aware of post adoptive services. I don't blame them, I blame their agencies. Even if you never plan on using them it is urgent that you get approved for them prior to consummating an adoption from foster care. Once the adoption is consummated you cannot go back and get approved.

One of the post adoptive services provided is Medicaid. Regardless of whether you have your own insurance or not, it is important that you get approved for Medicaid post adoption. Should your child ever become uninsurable in the private sector, Medicaid will take over. Medicaid will become your second pay insurance, and will cover any co-pays or deductible. Please keep in mind that you will have to include the children on any insurance that is available through your employer in order to be eligible, this may mean a bump in premium. Medicaid may also come in handy should you need psychiatric services for the kids as they become older. Many private insurances have a lifetime cap that will only cover 2-3 months of inpatient care. Unfortunately that may not cover your needs.

Another post adoptive service is a subsidy. There will be a monthly payment to you, it is not considered income, more like child support from the state. It will be based on the level of care of the child at the time of adoption. I hesitate to use the word "trick", but a trick that is used here locally is getting the childs level of care dropped once they are put in adoptive placement. The governing body insists that the child no longer has issues. But if you've had a "specialized" kid for three years and when adoption is an option they suddenly become "basic", please appeal.

You will also be eligible for respite reimbursement. However, where I am you have to attend the post adoptive support group. It meets around 8:00 on Thursday nights. This is not a convenient time for my family, and I believe you are limited to 12 days a year. This is not something that we will probably use.

Post adoptive services are available to anyone adopting a special needs child from foster care, as defined by the Federal Government. You might be saying, "my child isn't special need", but the legal definition is a child over the age of seven, or a minority over the age of 2, or a sibling group, or a child joining a sibling group.

Should you qualify for post adoptive services, you will also qualify for a tax REIMBURSEMENT of $10,000 per child. It is available for up to five years post consummation. So, say your tax due the year of adoption is $3,000 - you will get that REIMBURSED. Just make sure your tax preparer is aware that you have adopted a child from foster care that meets the special needs requirement.

If you are not adopting your child from foster care you are still eligible for a tax credit for expenses occurred relating to the adoption, I believe there is a $20,000 limit. This means if your taxable income is $50,000 and spend $12,000 in legal, medical, and travel fees you reduce your taxable income to $38,000 - Please remember I'm an not an accountant and can offer no legal or professional advice.

Hope this helps someone, this takes up a lot of room in the brain, and along with everything else that has stuck, it's rejecting some short term memory. Just kidding, I remember everything, just ask me, NOT MY HUSBAND, me.

Ministry

2008-08-09T00:02:00.002-05:00

Our church is making some changes, we are a Megachurch, and we are trying to fill up some campuses. This means that some of our volunteers will be making the shift to different campuses leaving openings at the main site. Which means they are going to ask me what I'm doing to serve..........

I will not be doing childcare, I know they need it, but I need ten minutes away from children a week. Besides, I don't much like other people's children, yes, that's ironic.

I won't be greeting, I'm not a happy cheery type. I can't direct you to the children's area any better than the 400 square foot signs hanging over our heads.

I won't be directing traffic in the parking lot, we have 100 acres, I'm sure you can find a spot. You may have to walk, but that shouldn't be a problem. We have plenty of Handicap and Pink parking, leave it for those who need it.

I'd sing, if you'd let me, you won't. Plus I'm tired after one service of singing, let alone practice and four services, no probably not a good idea.

We've got a home team, which meets when the planets align. Our core group is five plus children, try coordinating five families with a combined total of 30 some children, all of whom have activities and other parents, and all the stuff kids come with. However, we do get together, and it is fun. We're going to stick with that.

Also, my husband has a men's group and I have a women's group. My group doesn't officially meet, but I'm here to answer any foster or adopting questions people may have. We had our first adoption last week, and because of the group I was able to inform them of all the stuff the state and their attorney had left out.

And we're raising other people's kids, I know parenting isn't an get out of serving card, but parents raising their own kids don't have the hassle factor we do. How many times do you have to drop your kids off with drug smugglers for a couple of hours? Do you have to drive three hours each way for the privilege? How much time and effort do you then have to put back into the children so they don't have night terrors for a week? How many reports do your kids generate on a daily basis? How many strangers come into your house each month to inspect the quality of care you are giving to your children?

I know everyone has jobs and kids and maybe it's a priority, but my first ministry is to my family, and right now at least one of them needs mom all the time. He's making up for lost time. So, when your glancing down the aisle to see which box I check on the serving card, don't strain too hard, I won't be. I will be home practicing how to be a functioning human being with a four year old.

Attachment Book

2008-08-08T10:47:00.002-05:00

Several years ago when we had MMT we dealt with attachment issues on a daily basis. It's not going so bad now, getting them early has its advantages. I promised Sugar and Spice I'd give her this info, it is the best book I've read on the subject.

Attachment, Trauma, and Healing: Understanding and Treating Attachment Disorder in Children and Families by Terry M. Levy and Michael Orlans Currently running about $25 on Amazon.

It has a chart in the back that explains the similarities and differences between ADD, ADHD, Bipolar and Attachment Disorder. They are all remarkedly similar, but you'll find most "professionals" treating foster children for ADHD or Bipolar, and disregarding Attachment issues.

It also helps the secondary caregiver, understand that the primary caregiver is not completely crazy. As well as things to look for that may seem harmless but are very power strugglish.

I'll be buying another copy, as I can't find mine, as well as Terry Levy's other book Healing Parents. Anyway, here's to hoping you don't need this book.

Open vs. Closed

2008-08-07T14:10:00.003-05:00

Today I overheard a conversation. Despite it causing me great distress I chose not to interrupt it. I found that strangers offering unsolicited advice to be annoying, although I'm sure they would have went "Wow, what a revelation, we are so wrong, and you have shown us the way." Or something similar.

There were four women talking. One complained that "cheap" agencies always pushed open adoption. They were not open to open adoptions because they did not want their kid to be confused as to who their mommy was.

My born of the heart children see their mama at least twice a month and talk to her on the phone almost daily, sometimes 10 or 15 times a day. They know her as "mama" but when they want their mommy, they want me. I don't think in most cases that this is an issue with the kids, but rather a fear of the parents to be. I had two grandmas as a child. I called them both "grandma" I had two very distinct relationships with them. It was not confusing.

Had you asked me five years ago, I would have voted for banishing the bio family and never speaking of them. I was so much smarter back then. Like it or not, we have an open adoption, but without the adoption part.

Ask me now, and my biggest worry would be that the kids not get to know her as a person. I cannot compete with the imagination of a child. I do not want the kids wo conjure up the perfect mama in their mind. One who is not the person that actually exists. I know a lot of families of divorce have to deal with the absent/Santa parent. They disappear for months or years and all of a sudden it's Disney World, then nothing again. I know the kids extend extra grace on those parents, not wanting to believe that their parent may be less than perfect.

So be warned mama, the kids will know you. They will visit you, we will take your calls. But you will be responsible for the information they get about you. If you love them, you'd better tell them. I cannot, nor will I speak for you. If you want to see them, you will be allowed for as long as they are safe doing so. I will take your calls when it's not interfering with our life, if it does, we'll call you back. If you call me and tell me that you can't call because you are in jail, when they ask why you aren't calling I will tell them that you can't call them from jail.

I can't decide for anyone whether an open or closed adoption would work for them, I would just like for everyone to really think about the unintended consequences of both options. Don't let fear of the unknown prevent you from a great thing.

It's Apparent You're a Foster Parent When...

2008-08-05T22:51:00.005-05:00

...your four year old asks for his "meds".

...you contemplate not swatting a 14 pound mosquito because someone might mistake it for abuse.

...the door bell rings you make sure the meds are double locked before you answer.

...you have to write reports on all of the stuff you didn't do today. We did not take child A to any medical appointments. We did not take child B to any medical appointments. We did not take child C to any medical appointments.

...you see your child doing something dangerous and you contemplate which report/investigation will be worse. Improper restraint/Improper supervision.

...your kids play "caseworker" and they ask each other "where do you sleep?" and "how does that make you feel?"

... they ask if you remember which mom was it that....

...this is a problem

...people ask, "are you babysitting? Are they ALL yours?"

...you get the "knowing glances" (judging)that others give you when you have several children of different races, and they alternate with the kids that match you on the outside and they all call you mom.

...You have a 5th grader, a 6th grader, a 7th grader, an 8th grader and a 9th grader. 3 of them are 14 and 2 of them are 12 and they go to four different schools, because some have special needs that can't be served by your neighborhood school.

...you need the police to get a child into or out of the house.

...you have to practice waking up without screaming with a two year old.

...your bio kids know more about attachment disorders than a psychologist, because they live it everyday.

...you are perplexed when the receptionist asks for payment after a bio kids doctor visit.

Show Thyself Anonymous

2008-08-04T19:06:00.005-05:00

So I woke up to a comment posted on my last blog entry, at first I was like wow, somebody is cranky. By the time I got to the point where they told me I was "stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid." I was laughing.

I know there is a great debate as to whether or not to allow anonymous comments or not, I will, an anonymous commenter on my blog later accepted Jesus. Worth the other crap one has to deal with.

I do want to make a few comments regarding this particular comment.

1. It made no actual criticism of the content of my blog. Through sitemeter I discoverd that they had searched in Blogger for AMY GRANT. I said nothing awful about Amy Grant, in fact I raved about how I love her Christmas Album. My thought is that Amy Grant is the only Christian anonymous has ever heard of and figured before they signed off for the evening they would do their part to dissuade someone who liked Amy Grant. Somebody who likes Amy Grant, must be Christian oriented and therefore must be stopped from expressing themselves on the internet. Not likely. Anonymous hails from San Fransisco, not a place whose opinions I take seriously.

2. A puzzle with seven pieces - they are math retarded.

3. My Wal-Mart clearance panties? - You really know nothing about me. I spent more on panties last year than you made. Before taxes.

It may sound like I'm taking this too much to heart. I'm not, I just want to encourage others who may have gotten an anonymous comment similar to this that they likely didn't even read a word on your blog. Something relating to Jesus, or Christianity caught their eye and they decided if they can take you out, "that's one less thing" to quote Forrest Gump.

I have gotten other Anonymous comments that I reject straight out, for some reason there is a group of people organized against Quizno's. I don't get it, but whatever. Were they to have read my posting containing the word Quizno's they would find that it was not even about Quizno's, but a guy that worked at Quizno's. That should get them all in an uproar, how many times did I just promote Quizno's? Doesn't a hot sandwich sound good right now? MMM HHMMM. I do like the Quizno's.

Also, the person who first anonymously commented and later accepted Jesus. If that is the only one I ever get, this whole venture will have been worth it. My main goal was to make it on to IMDB biographies someday. With all of the children being adopted by movie stars these days, someone is bound to take up the Born of the Heart movement. Just as long as they stop saying "Am adopted" or "is adopted" the correct terminology is "was adopted" like "was born".

So, people. Do not take anonymous criticism too much to heart. Get some entertainment out of it, or reject it at the first harsh word you come across. If it becomes too much of a bother turn it off. You have something to say, and to someone it will be important. It maybe something interesting for your family to look over in the future. Or it will bring back memories you have forgotten. Or God will bring another of His children home, because they found Him in your heart.

I'm So Nervous and Happy and It Turns into a Music Review and Lecture

2008-08-02T23:30:00.007-05:00

We hired a new sitter, I hope she likes us. I'm so glad I don't have to date.

Here's a real shocker for y'all. Our kids don't like it when strangers show up at the house and we let them in. They turn into little hellions, (that is a word, I've used it). You'd think kids who've been taken out of their homes by strangers, sometimes repeatedly would just get over it. I kept reassuring her it would get better when I left. It either did or our new sitter is a liar, either way I enjoyed myself.

How could I not I went to see him how much do we love him? How many people are going to be lining the streets of Heaven to welcome him home? I'd say come early it'll be packed.

Just for fun I'm going to call him Mike, like we're long lost friends. Back in the day when we'd go on trips with the church group and you could only bring Christian music it was him and Amy. I don't care who you are, if you were alive in the '80's you know every word to Friends are Friends Forever.

But anyway, he was kind enough to be a "crossover artist" during my prodigal years. Even when I wasn't in church every week, Mike and Amy and Rich and Steve kept me company. That's Smith, Grant, Mullins and Taylor. I'm glad Mike is still making music, it still rocks. I will play Amy Grant's first Christmas Album all year round forever. Rich is gone, but could we handle anymore awesomeness? I think not, and Steve is over working for a little band you've probably heard of, The Newsboys. they're pretty cool, you should check them out. Although I LOVED him as a solo artist. But I can understand that Christians don't want to hear music about adultery and fornication and suicide and teen pregnancy and "values clarification". Singing about abortion clinics will apparently cause rioting in the streets.

Guess what we talked about tonight? Meth addict turned Jesus freak and the prodigal years. Sound familiar? And we talked about grace and unconditional love. My two favorite things.

I've said it before, but why can't we extend a little more grace and unconditional love? The Jesus I know is not the Jesus I hear about. I believe that Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven. Why? Because he said so. Now, what I can't believe is that those of us who also believe that get all worked up about songs, and smoking and beer and whatever else it is that gets us all worked up. Giving Satan a perfect opportunity to preach to the world that goodness counts. There are a LOT of good people going to Hell, and we're over here fighting amongst ourselves about the unholy things that go on in a fallen world. There are a LOT of good people looking at us and deciding that their goodness trumps our JESUS, and that ain't right. And the reason I'll take a meth addict over a church goer anyday is that the meth addict understands grace. They grab onto it and ride it where it takes them. And tonight it took one to a little concert hall where she opened for Michael W. Smith.

So, thanks be to God for His grace and unconditional love, I'm sure I've offended someone.

*****Update***** I did offend someone, check the comments.

My Mansion In The Sky

2008-08-01T18:12:00.003-05:00

I've heard that the work we do here will be reflected there by the size of our mansion. I don't know what sound Biblical principle that's based on, but it sounds good. A friend mentioned that should people from a certain government agency that I'm dealing with make it to heaven, they should have to mow my lawn. Here's to hoping.

Here on this side of the veil I'm looking at a lot of flip houses. I can see the potential but have gotten too good at estimating the cost. I wonder what happened to that first flip attitude. Well, I know what happened to it, reality. I was going to buy the place for $5,000 - put in about $5,000 and sell the place for about a million. Course these houses come as is and you don't really know what the foundation is like til you get into it.

It's also become apparent to me that the more potential is in a flip the more problems come with it. I gave up trying to get it all done in six weeks, I try to identify the next big problem and deal with that one only. Of course some other work has to go by the wayside. Who cares about the landscaping when the sewer's backed up?

I guess that's Satan's way of trying to get us off course. I know a lot of people drive by and pity the fool who purchased that one. I gave up caring what others think. It's an investment, and I may lose some money, but I can see it in all of its glory, somedays. Somedays I take the day off, somedays I'm going to hire a subcontractor, somedays somebody runs off with all the copper pipes. Somedays it's a property dispute. It's a process. I know it would be a lot easier to get the houses turnkey, but being a builder is just one of the ways God made me special.

Child O' Mine

2008-08-01T06:18:00.000-05:00

Most of the fostering questions I get, is how can you let them go. Luckily we have not had to let go of too many. The ones we did have to say "Good bye" to hurt a lot. We let them go knowing that they were not in the right place.

We do not have any legal closure on the three children who have lived with us for over three years, so I do know how it feels to wonder if you will see this child grow up. Most of the people whom I know who foster, got into fostering primarily to adopt. I believe that everyone who adopts is looking to make the world a better place for the child/ren they do adopt. We all know, and are all told, that these foster children might go home. We sign on knowing that. But knowing and feeling are two very different things.

We know that these children "belong" to their parents, regardless of what their parents did or did not do. We take in these children knowing they could leave at any point along the way. We fall in love with these children. We are hardly ever given adequate information on where they came from or why they were removed. As time goes by we learn more about the parents. The persons that they have allowed themselves to become. We do not like these people, and are indignant that merely reproducing gives you rights.

My hard learned advice is that we must learn to care for these parents as the humans that they are and not the people they've become. We have more grace for the strangers on the street than the parents of our children. I started praying for my baby Mama not because it was the right thing to do, but because I could no longer stand to hate her for what she had allowed to happen to our babies. I was so mad the day we went for a visit that was being monitored by her family counselor. Me and the counselor behind the two way mirror, watching Mama sing the songs, and play the games that I had taught them. The counselor making comments on how well she interacted with them and how smart and well behaved they were. Of course no one had mentioned to the counselor that this was only the fourth time she'd seen them in six months. It was that day that I decided for my own benefit that hating Mama did no one any good, least of all me. I was still mad, but knew I had to change.

Could I not have sympathy for her situation? I tease that I was raised by wolves, but not the kind who eat their young. She was parenting the only way she knew how. Could I not see that she had gotten herself into quite a situation? How would I deal, if I had to deal with her life? This does not excuse her choices. We've all know, or have read about people overcoming amazing obstacles, but would I overcome or be overwhelmed? If I woke up in her shoes, what would I want?

She is the mother of half of my children. How can I not love her for giving them life? How can I not pray for her to overcome? How can I not pray for her to find God? Where is her Jesus?

Several months ago the kids and I started making scrap book pages for her. Here's what we're doing, pictures, drawings and what not. I don't even scrap book for myself. I don't have the time, but I'm making time for her. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I have to tell myself that this woman is an important part of my life.

She recently gave me a note thanking me and God for being there for her babies. It is a note I will always cherish. It means to me that we have a mutual understanding that we will share the mothering role, regardless of where they live.

Happy Dirpay Nathalia

2008-07-31T10:45:00.002-05:00

We had the privilege of parenting you for about a month, although we had the adventures of a lifetime that month. I'm sorry for the way it all ended but quite frankly you scared the heck out me. I understand that you were not stealing just collecting things that you might need for later. I am sorry for all that you had to go through to get to the point you were at when I knew you. I understand that after all of that it's scary to be a girl. I still have the card that you made that says "I love you," I hope that we made a difference in your life. Please understand that I had six other kids to protect. I am hoping that you found a place where you were safe. I'm praying that as you become an adult you've learned enough to live the life that you've always dreamt. I know that most of what you have been told in your life has been a lie. I have been in the system for a small amount of time, I cannot imagine having it be the only constant in my life. I am hoping that they have provided you with what you need to get started in life. I am hoping all that I can for you.
Happy Dirpay
Love,
Mom

Really?

2008-07-30T13:18:00.005-05:00

Random experiences from my life.

Who said there was no such thing as a dumb question?

Princess asks Booger "Why are you naked?"
Booger responds "Because I don't have any clothes on."

Lil Middle asked me "Mom, how come some girls don't keep their boobies in their boobie holders?"

The kids caseworker, who is a boy and a parent and should know better asked, "why do you wear your underwear backwards?"

Lil Middle said "if the picture's not in front your penis falls out."

Should we REALLY have to make this a rule?

No farting on your brother's head.

Apparently we do. Or how 'bout this?

Don't burp when you kiss me.

Or, Please don't lick the following:
The dog
The floor
The bathroom floor
Anything that has been in the bathroom
ME
Any brother or sister

We are now at the stage where the four year old thinks that he can't get in trouble if he tells the truth. Which is a yea/boo. Yea! Telling the truth is a good thing. Boo! We have to make the aforementioned rules, because he "didn't know" that was a rule. Actually the first rule was for the big boys.

In your house, is every trip to the bathroom treated with all the pomp and circumstance of an African Safari? Since we've returned from vacation I have not been able to leave the room without multiple hugs and kisses and pathetic pleas like "but, I'm going to miss youuuuuu."

We have trouble distinguishing between mortal wounds and blackberry stains. Of course a quick lick will reveal if a trip to the ER is necessary. We also forget why we so desperately needed that bandaid we just asked for, no worries, we'll put it heeeeere.

As I've mentioned before we "don't have an adequate amount of toys" for our children. Apparently whomever wrote that didn't have to pick any up. Can't wait to find out what she writes about the last visit. The kids spent the first 20 minutes of it "hiding" in the front closet, which they had locked. (I had the key, they just insisted on hanging out in there.)

I want my mommy

2008-07-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

I remember, very distinctly, the day I walked into my kitchen and looked at a boy torn between holding back and letting loose. He'd lived with us for a year and a half, the previous weekend he "lost it" over a game boy. We are very limited in how we discipline our borrowed children, but the level of disrespect shown that day had to be dealt with. We packed him up and sent him to Camp Alston. Ms. Alston is the worlds best respite provider. She was an officer in the Army for 20 some years and no kid was going to get the best of her. I am a lot more nurturing than she, and at times dreaded leaving my babies with her, although I knew it was best for all involved. Even as I type this I am worried about where my hands are, I was scared to walk down her hall unless my hands were firmly at my side.

But, back to the kitchen. He'd returned home that morning, and we were off to a debriefing with the counselor. He stood there so wounded and hurt, but unable to overcome the compulsion to be the man he'd had to be since he was born. He had it all together, he was in control and he needed a mommy. I let him down. I let the hurt and anger and rage and confusion and crap that had been hurled at me for the past 18 months keep me from giving him what he needed at that moment. A mommy. I walked right past him, probably sealing his fate. He would not be vulnerable again.

At the debriefing he held back. He went to stay elsewhere while a team of professionals, most who'd never met him, decided that this wasn't working. Within a week I had to pack up his things and the things of his siblings and wait for them to come home from school. I had to look a little eight year old boy in the eye and tell him, something he'd been through a dozen times before, that we were no longer his family. I watched helplessly as he allowed himself one tear before he wiped it away, along with his hope.

Then an hour later I had to tell their sister. She had worked so hard to be with us, and now we were letting her go. The next couple of weeks would bring her at least three moves.

If I had it to do again I wouldn't have walked by him that day in the kitchen. I would put away my hurt and emotion and be the mommy he needed me to be, but I can't undo that. So, I have to use what I learned there, and apply it to my life today. I don't know if it's just the fact that the preschoolers out number me and it's the age that they are, or if there is something more sinister lurking, but there are very few days that this season doesn't completely exhaust me. I've been advised to tell the state that we are done, and if they don't get their stuff together they can have the kids back. I'm wondering where they learned bargaining. When you can't walk away you can't threaten to.

The state isn't concerned with their welfare. Maybe as a collective, "I believe in education" kind of way, but when it comes down to these three children living in our home, no one cares. No one, but us, and somedays it is tempting to stop. We are truly giving our life to do this. And Satan would like us to believe that we have received no benefit from it. Just think of all we could do if we weren't doing this. But when they are feeling alone, or scared or hurt and they scream "I want my mommy" they are speaking of me and I have to be a mommy like I'd never imagined, no matter what I'm feeling.

Respite

2008-07-28T13:14:00.002-05:00

A word that was not in my vocabulary ten years ago. Now, I'm considering which body part to tattoo the word to. Even during my foster orientation classes I laughed at the absurdity of "respite" I mean really, once you take them in they are yours, deal with them. This came from all of my wisdom as a parent of children raised from conception in a "stable" and "normal" environment. Although I thought, probably correctly, that there was some disfunction going on in my family tree, I had no idea that a lot of life is like a Jerry Springer episode.

We muddled through the first long term placement for five months before the thought of respite crossed our minds, of course we had a sitter or two, but for the most part, they were with us. When the, much more experienced in the foster system, kids started sabatoging their placement, we decided that it was respite or eviction.

Although we've had several placements, we really only had two that were of any length of time or consequence. #1 was MMT and #2 was ARM. MMT was an older sibling group, 6-13 when they came 8-15 when they left. ARM a young sibling group, AM placed at birth, R at 18 months(after living in at least 6 different homes).

We tried several respite providers with MMT, T would always be shocked when we returned to pick him up, he had a finely honed defense mechanism of moving on, immediately. I kid you not when I say if I left him at your house for an hour while I ran to the grocery store, he would have forgotten all about me. You were his new parent, he loved you, you were the nicest most bestest mom or dad on the planet. I was evil for abandoning him, and he wanted nothing to do with me.

Until we found what we lovingly refer to as Camp Alston. Ms. Alston was in the Army for 20+ years and she ran a tight ship. I was afraid to walk down her halls without my hands firmly planted on my thighs as not to dirty her walls. She was a loving Christian woman who clearly understood the dynamics of caring for children in foster care and if it was respite, they would not be attaching to her in any way shape or form. Our children always came back singing our praises and knowing we were their parents. She has since moved on, and we miss her, although even if she were still here she would not be appropriate for our current situation.

With all of the kids we've found it works best for us to have the respite provider come here when possible. It's a good excuse for hubby and I to run off somewhere and the kids still feel at home. Also with the born of the body babies, someone needs to be here anyway. We have gotten lax with our respite since the born of the heart babies are in Mothers Day Out. We've recently recommitted to one weekend a month. Our born of the heart children will have us all to themselves for six years once our born of the body babies all leave, and since our B.O.B. children didn't choose this life, we feel we owe them a little one on one time.

Which brings me to my dilema of finding someone. I want someone with a little initiative, someone who can follow simple rules, yet not need me there to hold their hand thru the whole weekend. Sixteen sippy cups of whole milk is not a meal replacement. I want someone who can watch them at our house or at their house. Depending on what I need. Do I hire a parent who knows that the ER isn't necessary if they bonk their head, or do I hire someone who isn't jaded by kids already and will watch them just a little more closely? I can't wait til they all have friends and they can start having sleep overs (at other peoples houses), I am currently forbidden by law to have more than six children under the age of 18 sleeping in my house. Darn. Of course I'll probably have to ask the parents of their friends to submit to an FBI check and random drug tests or something, that shouldn't be too awkward.

I guess what I'd tell me ten years ago, and any other parent for that matter, is take a break. Often, parenting is hard work, and it's nice to be a person who isn't called mom 24/7. I don't want to wake up in 20 years wondering who is sleeping next to me. So, respite, here we go again.

I brought them all back

2008-07-21T10:54:00.002-05:00

Somewhere between Lubbock and Albuquerque he lost it. By it I mean any semblance of sanity. We had experienced his psychotic breaks in the past, but never at 32,000 feet with hundreds of others who showed no sympathy for our situation and us with no place to go. It resembled a violent convulsion, with screaming, lots and lots of screaming. Of course I could do nothing but hold him and try to keep him from hurting someone. I'm sure we made it on some sort of watch list, just in case I called several caseworkers upon landing. And the psychiatrist.

That was Sunday. On Monday he was overcome with anxiety in the restaurant, he hyperventilated until he nearly barfed. As the week progressed the insides of his elbows went pure white. The pediatrician says that this reaction happens to post menopausal women after they lose their husbands, he is "dumbfounded". I did not get a return phone call from the psychiatrist until Wednesday, he informed that there were no medications safe for a four year old with these kinds of issues. Maybe I should try talking to him.

Really, I hadn't thought about that. We've been preparing for this trip for months. We've gone over the check in process and the boarding process. We've talked about getting on the plane, getting on the train, getting on another plane, getting on the bus, renting the car and going to the hotel. Apparently all the talking in the world does not override the fight or flight response to the unknown.

The first class we took on our journey to foster parenting spoke of the unknowns that kids come with. Even when placed at birth they may come with issues. Unknown prenatal exposures, unknown genetic histories, unknown psychiatric issues. Unknown unknowns. In a perfect world CPS would sit down before each foster placement and go over the childrens histories, their behaviors, anything that could affect your household. Truth of the matter, a lot of the time it's four in the morning and they just want to get to bed. They may not even know anything more than the adults in the house were arrested and the kids had no place to go. The only known will be the unknown.

I would like to say that I have done it all perfectly or that I have learned something that I can pass on. I haven't. Last week I was in a doctors office with the little boys and one of the assistants asked me what I did for a living, I told her I was a professional parent, I don't think she believed me.

We are home now, and it's like last week never happened. The boys are already asking to go on another "baycation", hurricane Dolly may the answer to their prayers. I'm praying she prefers Mexico, some remote part, I'm not that insensitive. And if another person tells me that next time will be easier, I may need bail money.

Suitcase Anxiety

2008-07-12T08:03:00.002-05:00

Lots of drama happening here. It happens with little middle whenever the suitcases come out. Us being the seventh home he's lived in, packing in general brings him a lot of anxiety. Of course, so should taking out the trash, as he came to us with all of his stuff in trash bags.

I don't think he'll believe it 'til we're back, I'm hoping he'll chill as the week goes on. He will be well worn this week, so hopefully we'll all be able to sleep.

So as far as the anxiety medication experiment has gone with the trip, if it is working I'm thankful because if it were worse than this I'd need my own. And this coming from the least anxious person here.

As far as everything else goes, I'm thankful that Brandon and Elisa are staying at my house whilst we are gone, it is truly a mutually inclusive blessing that we are sharing. I'm thankful I thought to ask my friend Donna for a carryon bag instead of going to buy a new one. And that she said yes:) And as always that our dog will be able to be Bailey Bailey for a little while. He so loves it there.

I'd try out twitter but I'd be afraid you'd all get texted at some unGodly hour, since we are going west. So, mobile blogging it is. Be prepared......and btw mobile blogging goes to my other site

Not on Dateline

2008-07-12T07:41:00.002-05:00

We've known about our upcoming vacation for a year, we finalized the details in April and asked the state for permission to bring our Born of the Heart babies with us. Well as one would expect, no one at the state asked the judge. Not in April, or May, or June, or the first week of July. Hello, people, we're leaving in mid-July. So, there we were less than a week before vacation, tickets in hand, and they aren't so much cheap anymore, and no court order granting us permission to take the kiddos out of state.

We were scheduled to leave for the airport at 9:00 a.m. on Friday. By about Thursday I was debating whether to take anymore calls from the department. Well, not being paranoid by nature and not feeling the need to screen my calls, I accidentally answered the phone on Thursday. Of course it was the department asking all sorts of details. He was going back and forth with the judge and mama's attorney. He could get permission if the following conditions were met.

1. Hubby couldn't take baby girl to the men's room.
2. Worker had to lay eyes on children before they left.

1. Fine, girls don't need to be in the men's room, they were going to Grandma's, and while in the airport she could go on the plane. Annoying but doable.

2. Fine, come up Thursday night and see them. No, has to be Friday. Keep in mind that it's a 2.5 hour drive between the worker's office and our house. I told him that he had to be there by eight, we were leaving at nine. Got of the phone with him, called my agency's worker and got permission from him. They ok'd it.

The worker did show up, a little after eight. I had to go get my shoulder worked on so hubby was there to present the kids so they could be seen. We have not had much face time, he was our worker for months before I actually even knew his name. He's a fresh out of college, going to save the world type. Or at least he was before he got assigned this case.

Whatever it is that usually takes a year or better to suck the life out of the newbies has happened. He no longer wants to save the world, only his behind, and he's sick of getting it chewed on by everyone. The rest of the department is in the same boat. They are unclear on the law, everytime they quote it to me they get it wrong. While I am not an attorney, I have the ability to understand it. I would not make a good attorney, at least in the court room. There's no crying in the courtroom, by the attorney anyway.

So, three new projects for when we return. Pile up the rest of the hiring a pitbull money, and hire a pitbull. My impression is that the department there will gladly give up jurisdiction to here, and that would be good. The pitbull we've found seems to be personally offended that the laws she defends are being so blatantly broken. The final project, making the department look competent.

Don't give me a break

2008-07-09T09:52:00.004-05:00

When we enroll the babies into a school type setting I usually tell the school that the kids are in foster care, because that is what I'm supposed to do. This is something that I neglected to do when I signed them up for Mother's Day Out for the summer. I didn't do it intentionally, I just keep forgetting that this is our situation still.

Our little middle boy can be quite challenging at times. It wasn't long before the teacher pulled me aside to discuss some of his behaviors. It happened to be the week of a visit, which tends to escalate undesirable behavior and I relayed this to the teacher.

This additional information has changed her perception of the little middle boy, as if his behavior should be excused because of his life's circumstances. We've had to deal with this since day one. M.E. can't do that, she's had a rough life. Well, if M.E. can't get higher than a 40 in English, M.E. should do summer school. As it turned out the letters won that battle, they gave her a pass because her life was hard. My argument that if I'm the owner of the Acme Corporation and I need someone there to make me some widgets, I don't give a flying flip what's going on in your life, get your butt here and make me some widgets or I'll find someone else to do it.

We have not had to deal too much, with these kids, with attachment disorders. I am anticipating some issues in the future when they realize genetics, but for now we are all happy with the fact that we are a family. In the past, however, attachment was the running theme of our household and I am well versed in it.

Typically you run into issues in attachment when your needs as an infant are not met. They've done studies so those of us who educate ourselves will not feel guilty letting them cry it out every once in awhile. Just so you know, if your needs are met 13% of the time as an infant, you are less likely to incur attachment issues.

That is not a typo people. 13% a little more than 1 out of 10 times that your baby cries you need to take care of that need.

Other factors are length of stability. If your child has spent 72% of their life in one family, they are less likely to have issues with attachment. In our case, the oldest current placement was made at 18 months, so at 3 years post placement it should appear normal. We're almost there. So, if you get a child placed at the age of six, it will take 12 years post placement for the situation to normalize.

Of course, God can override any of this, I believe that to be their only hope. Since most kids aren't picked up from their families until they or an older sibling reach school age when we are talking about neglect. Earlier if there is significant criminal activity or violence.

While I'm not asking you to forget or ignore what these kids have been through, please don't give either of us a pass because of it. These kids can and will bounce back and become normal if we treat them as such. We need to require as much, if not more from them as we would a biological child. Also, please don't require less of us as parents because we are dealing with special needs. We are not saints or special in anyway, God gave us a heart to do this and that is the only difference between us and most parents.

Foster kids will lie, cheat, steal. My foster mom friend and I have a code we used to use when we were both getting regular placements. On a scale of one to ten, how many of the commandments were broken today? Five or more is normal. Nine for some on most days, ten on Sunday's.

The thing about parenting from birth is that most of us get to screw up, repeatedly. After about 18 years we have it figured out and all is well. The thing with parenting inside the foster system is that you may only have days or weeks or months to undo the years they have already endured.

Whine not

2008-07-06T23:04:00.002-05:00

It isn't much of a secret that I hate my current job. I hate the paperwork, and the intrusion and the second guessing, and the "I just smacked my kid because he had a ginormous mosquito on him, I'm going to have to go write that down" part. There is a court hearing on Tuesday, I can't get any information. I'm supposed to be notified in writing as to every court proceeding, yet I rarely even get a verbal hint that there is one. This is the part I hate.

I don't hold out much hope that the court hearing will change the current situation. Every single state and federal law regarding length of time in care has been violated. Why should Tuesday change anything?

Even without court I have about a hundred pages of paperwork to do before the end of the week if I'd like to get reimbursed for my time and effort. I have to write down what we did every hour of every day, in triplicate. I have to write down where we went and who's had contact with the kids, in triplicate. I even have to, in triplicate, write down all the things we didn't do. We didn't go to the doctor, or the dentist, or the psychologist, or the psychiatrist. We did not spend the night in any home not currently licensed by the state, nor did we spend more than four hours with anyone who does not have a background check on file with our agency. No persons, without a background check, regularly visit our home, nor has anyone spent the night in our home. We have not had more than six kids sleeping overnight in our home at anytime during the month, and any play time activities held at our home had no less than a 6/1 kid/adult ratio. I have to account for any "suspicious" marks on the children. Also have to explain why I kneed one of them in the head, just in case. BTW - he bent down where I was stepping, kapow.

This has been going on for three years and four months. I know I should be thankful that they are in my house, safe and sound and asleep. I know I should be thankful that I am getting paid, however poorly, to take care of them, every little bit helps. I am, all of the above. But I still want to whine. I, don't want to have to ask permission to take my kids swimming, or out of town, or out of state.

It wouldn't bother me quite as much if all sides were treated equally. If I don't complete all of my assigned tasks on a regular basis, they come and get the kids. If the other side quits their job, refuses counseling or parenting classes, no big deal. If I miss my parenting classes, not only do I still have to do the class, I have to write a response to my citation as to why I couldn't make it. Well, here's my reason for everything I can't do - I'm parenting three preschoolers, two teenagers, and a grade schooler. I cannot find childcare because no one wants to pay $120, submit to an FBI background check and take 20 classes so that I can pay them very little money. $60/day does not provide for much quality childcare.

So cite me, often. Cite me for improper restraints when I keep a kid from running into the street when there is no car, or that I won't let them drink coke whenever they want. Cite me for letting friends sleep over, and going to the pool. Cite me for not taking the medication class for the 6th time. Cite me for not having my fridge cold enough to freeze the milk, or for telling the children "no". I understand that telling a child "no" damages their spirit, but Jesus said "let your yes be yes and your no be no", it doesn't say "let your no be 'guns are not for shooting'". Um, yes they are, but I was actually told, by a play therapist, that I should never tell little middle "no", even though he was pointing a gun at me at the moment. Maybe I should have gone back to discuss what my parents told me about playing with guns. They were old school, I don't know if it was spoken, but it was implied that if I ever played with a gun, always loaded never locked, that I should hope that it kills me, because it would be better than my punishment.

Thus concludes my whine. I will be thankful that I get to hug and kiss them everyday. I will be thankful that they are unaware that I am not legally anything to them. I will be thankful that I am their mom. I will also say a prayer for all of the mothers who are without their children tonight, whatever the reason. May they be conceived, born, relinquished, available, returned soon, or may they rest in peace.

4th of July Fun

2008-07-05T10:52:00.002-05:00

We woke up to a LOT of rain, much needed, but why is it on a day when we need to get out of the house?

For the most part we did nothing all day, it was wonderful, kiddos got a little wacko but we all survived.

I did let the kids have a snowball fight. What? A snowball fight on the 4th of July in Texas? Yes, we finally found a use for those pink coconut balls of frosting and chocolate. The kids had fun, baby boy was laughing so hard. During the fight, no one actually fought, it was nice. An unexpected twist. The pink parts are gelatinous molds, they stay in one piece until someone mushes them into a giant pink ball. Gross. They make a popping sound when they hit a body, it sounds like it hurts, but the only near injury was coconut shavings in the eye. The chocolate and frosting washed away with the hose, the seagulls and dog took care of the coconut molds. I have video, but it's sideways and I don't have time to figure out how to right it just now.

After that, I took a very good nap, dreaming of something wonderful until 'WGLAHAAAAAAAAA" from a little one. Which kept me grumpy until we left for fireworks.

I didn't realize until about 10:00 last night that a visit for Monday wasn't arranged. I know these things aren't my responsibility, and suspending visits usually improves behavior, I just don't want the other side to have any excuses. I think we all know that the department is not doing their job, I would hate for that to be the reason they don't terminate.

Again, please pray they ask for termination next week. I, you'll be surprised, have not gotten a time for court. I don't think they want me there. Hmmmm? That's ok, I'll send God to fight my battle for me.

To clarify the complexities of the proceedings. The department can ask that they proceed towards termination on Tuesday. If that request is granted they will set a trial date. If they don't ask for termination, we will begin the process to sue the state to do so. We believe that either way we can get this resolved this year, but if the department asks it won't cost us a new car.

Also send some love over here

She got her baby back, baby back, baby back....

2008-07-02T13:50:00.003-05:00

Go wish her well, as they get back into their own rhythm.

Also, pray for us, our court date is 7/8 - the only thing we are hoping for is termination. Although not throwing our vacation plans into a tailspin would also be nice. We asked for permission to take the kids with us waaaaay back in April, the CPS worker just asked the judge about a week ago. We bought plane tickets in May, and should be able to take kids we've been raising for three and a half years on a family vacation. You think?

Also, there have been new developments involving Mama's family with more kids being removed into foster care. So, we are hoping that enough will finally be enough. Maybe I need to get me an Oprah Vision Board?????

Just think Johnny Cochran 7/8 - terminate

Minimum Standards Training

2008-06-19T13:14:00.003-05:00

Hubby and I need about 30 hours of training each year to maintain our foster license. Our agency is kind enough to do it in home on a regular basis. So that all y'all non-foster parents can learn from us I will share this months edition of minimum standards.

"Best practice suggests:
feeding infants while infants are awake"

Apparently it is optional if you are awake, good thing.

"Best practice for toddler care suggests:
Enough popular items availabe so that toddlers are not forced to compete for them."

Is that even possible?

"Do not force children to sleep"

Again, is that possible?

and my favorite, discipline...

"You may not use or threaten to use corporal punishment with any child in care. It includes:
1. Hitting or spanking a chld with a hand or instrument" such as a saxaphone.

"2. Forcing or requiring the child to do any of the following...Unproductive work. Unproductive work is work that serves no purpose...Examples include digging a hole and filling it up."

Hold up here, I thought we were all inclusive. Dig a hole and fill it up is very Zen. And Zen is in, right. I believe that this should fall under the separation clause that does not exist.

"In addition to corporal punishment, prohibited discipline techniques include, but are not limited to:"

leaving room for everything they don't like after the fact.

"1. Any harsh, cruel, unusual, unnecessary, demeaning, or humiliating discipline or punishment;".....

Don't they encourage us to be "unusual"? Don't we as parents have to stay one step ahead? I understand not being overly harsh, but not harsh at all? If you are biting someone, I should just talk you out of it? And what is unnecessary discipline?

"4. Using sarcastic or cruel humor"

"6. Biting a child"

"12 Confining child to a box"

"13. Denying basic child rights as a form of discipline"

What's that? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

"Time out is not appropriate for infants and is not recommended for toddlers"
OK Supernanny, you're going to need to cover this one. When is it appropriate to put a child in time out? I think that I will never put another child in time out. From now on I will put myself in time out for not being understanding. I understand that I should be in timeout for one minute for each year of age I am. About the time it takes to take a nap. No one is allowed talk to me while I'm in timeout, otherwise I will begin to act up as a way of seeking attention.

I'm putting myself in timeout for being sarcastic, it is totally not appropriate. I'll start as soon as I call the state on my own parents for all of the "unproductive work" I had to do as a child.

Audrey Caroline

2008-05-30T07:37:00.002-05:00

I've been following this story for awhile now, or you can watch it here.

Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.

Either way prepare yourself.

Nothing?

2008-05-29T20:55:00.004-05:00

I ran my URL through this it claims my site is worth nothing. What if I were to mention this or this or do I have to mention this?

I'll let you know...

Better Days

2008-05-24T14:01:00.001-05:00

Prayer Needed

2008-05-21T22:43:00.002-05:00

We have all been blessed by the music of Steven Curtis Chapman, tonight his family needs our prayers. Earlier today his daughter Maria, who they adopted from China, was struck and killed by a car in their driveway. The car was driven by the Chapman's teen aged son. Apparently the whole family witnessed it. Please pray for their family as they go through this terrible time.

Quizno's Guy

2008-05-14T16:29:00.003-05:00

How could someone whose name I do not know change my life? Because he is AWESOME. Whenever I go into Quizno's he makes me feel that he got up that morning to make me a sandwich. The most important part of his day is to make me happy. This is not unique to me, my husband and kids have the same experience when they go, as I'm sure do many others.

Does he make a better sandwich than the other Quizno's guys? Probably not, but I will never know, for as long as he works at that particular Quizno's it is the only Quizno's I will go to. Does he care for me personally, no probably not. Then what is it? I don't know. I just know that I hope and pray that I can hire him someday. If not, I will just remember that whatever I do I have an affect on others, and it is much better to be remembered as awesome than not. If my whole goal for the day is to make others feel that my sole purpose that day was to positively impact their life, then it's all good.

Traditional Blogger Regrets

2008-05-11T23:48:00.002-05:00

I've noticed I haven't been keeping up on this particular blog. Sorry, eventually nearly every blogger realizes that they are not keeping up with their blogging duties. I had originally started this as a sub-group of our women's ministry at our church. Supporting adoptive and foster mom's with all the foster and adoptive issues that come up. That, I feel is going well. I've met several families through it, and while we don't meet regularly as a whole, I do speak with some, email others and hope that others are benefiting from my family's experience.

Babies of the body or babies of the heart, the one thing true about all kids is they require a lot of time and energy. I am a smarter not harder kind of person. So, while analyzing the world's problems, I found my biggest problem with the world. We did some extra curricular activities with the oldest of my bunch, but even with two we had two kids doing two things in two different places, and it BUGGED me. We've boycotted them for much of the last nine years. However, my born of the body babies are not genetically inclined to relax. The very thought that I was going to be doing five different things a week in five different places was driving me crazy. So......

I'm starting a center that will house all sorts of extra curricular activities in one place. I'm writing business plans, doing revenue analysis, all sorts of WORK to avoid driving around town. Writing it out seems crazy, but I realize I cannot be the only one. In fact I'm not, I already have several people on board. Lots of moms want to stop spending quality time in traffic.

So in the future if you miss me I'll be here http://play-n-station.blogspot.com or here http://this-is-theday.blogspot.com

I'll still be here, but if you miss me I'm around.