When we enroll the babies into a school type setting I usually tell the school that the kids are in foster care, because that is what I'm supposed to do. This is something that I neglected to do when I signed them up for Mother's Day Out for the summer. I didn't do it intentionally, I just keep forgetting that this is our situation still.
Our little middle boy can be quite challenging at times. It wasn't long before the teacher pulled me aside to discuss some of his behaviors. It happened to be the week of a visit, which tends to escalate undesirable behavior and I relayed this to the teacher.
This additional information has changed her perception of the little middle boy, as if his behavior should be excused because of his life's circumstances. We've had to deal with this since day one. M.E. can't do that, she's had a rough life. Well, if M.E. can't get higher than a 40 in English, M.E. should do summer school. As it turned out the letters won that battle, they gave her a pass because her life was hard. My argument that if I'm the owner of the Acme Corporation and I need someone there to make me some widgets, I don't give a flying flip what's going on in your life, get your butt here and make me some widgets or I'll find someone else to do it.
We have not had to deal too much, with these kids, with attachment disorders. I am anticipating some issues in the future when they realize genetics, but for now we are all happy with the fact that we are a family. In the past, however, attachment was the running theme of our household and I am well versed in it.
Typically you run into issues in attachment when your needs as an infant are not met. They've done studies so those of us who educate ourselves will not feel guilty letting them cry it out every once in awhile. Just so you know, if your needs are met 13% of the time as an infant, you are less likely to incur attachment issues.
That is not a typo people. 13% a little more than 1 out of 10 times that your baby cries you need to take care of that need.
Other factors are length of stability. If your child has spent 72% of their life in one family, they are less likely to have issues with attachment. In our case, the oldest current placement was made at 18 months, so at 3 years post placement it should appear normal. We're almost there. So, if you get a child placed at the age of six, it will take 12 years post placement for the situation to normalize.
Of course, God can override any of this, I believe that to be their only hope. Since most kids aren't picked up from their families until they or an older sibling reach school age when we are talking about neglect. Earlier if there is significant criminal activity or violence.
While I'm not asking you to forget or ignore what these kids have been through, please don't give either of us a pass because of it. These kids can and will bounce back and become normal if we treat them as such. We need to require as much, if not more from them as we would a biological child. Also, please don't require less of us as parents because we are dealing with special needs. We are not saints or special in anyway, God gave us a heart to do this and that is the only difference between us and most parents.
Foster kids will lie, cheat, steal. My foster mom friend and I have a code we used to use when we were both getting regular placements. On a scale of one to ten, how many of the commandments were broken today? Five or more is normal. Nine for some on most days, ten on Sunday's.
The thing about parenting from birth is that most of us get to screw up, repeatedly. After about 18 years we have it figured out and all is well. The thing with parenting inside the foster system is that you may only have days or weeks or months to undo the years they have already endured.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Whine not
It isn't much of a secret that I hate my current job. I hate the paperwork, and the intrusion and the second guessing, and the "I just smacked my kid because he had a ginormous mosquito on him, I'm going to have to go write that down" part. There is a court hearing on Tuesday, I can't get any information. I'm supposed to be notified in writing as to every court proceeding, yet I rarely even get a verbal hint that there is one. This is the part I hate.
I don't hold out much hope that the court hearing will change the current situation. Every single state and federal law regarding length of time in care has been violated. Why should Tuesday change anything?
Even without court I have about a hundred pages of paperwork to do before the end of the week if I'd like to get reimbursed for my time and effort. I have to write down what we did every hour of every day, in triplicate. I have to write down where we went and who's had contact with the kids, in triplicate. I even have to, in triplicate, write down all the things we didn't do. We didn't go to the doctor, or the dentist, or the psychologist, or the psychiatrist. We did not spend the night in any home not currently licensed by the state, nor did we spend more than four hours with anyone who does not have a background check on file with our agency. No persons, without a background check, regularly visit our home, nor has anyone spent the night in our home. We have not had more than six kids sleeping overnight in our home at anytime during the month, and any play time activities held at our home had no less than a 6/1 kid/adult ratio. I have to account for any "suspicious" marks on the children. Also have to explain why I kneed one of them in the head, just in case. BTW - he bent down where I was stepping, kapow.
This has been going on for three years and four months. I know I should be thankful that they are in my house, safe and sound and asleep. I know I should be thankful that I am getting paid, however poorly, to take care of them, every little bit helps. I am, all of the above. But I still want to whine. I, don't want to have to ask permission to take my kids swimming, or out of town, or out of state.
It wouldn't bother me quite as much if all sides were treated equally. If I don't complete all of my assigned tasks on a regular basis, they come and get the kids. If the other side quits their job, refuses counseling or parenting classes, no big deal. If I miss my parenting classes, not only do I still have to do the class, I have to write a response to my citation as to why I couldn't make it. Well, here's my reason for everything I can't do - I'm parenting three preschoolers, two teenagers, and a grade schooler. I cannot find childcare because no one wants to pay $120, submit to an FBI background check and take 20 classes so that I can pay them very little money. $60/day does not provide for much quality childcare.
So cite me, often. Cite me for improper restraints when I keep a kid from running into the street when there is no car, or that I won't let them drink coke whenever they want. Cite me for letting friends sleep over, and going to the pool. Cite me for not taking the medication class for the 6th time. Cite me for not having my fridge cold enough to freeze the milk, or for telling the children "no". I understand that telling a child "no" damages their spirit, but Jesus said "let your yes be yes and your no be no", it doesn't say "let your no be 'guns are not for shooting'". Um, yes they are, but I was actually told, by a play therapist, that I should never tell little middle "no", even though he was pointing a gun at me at the moment. Maybe I should have gone back to discuss what my parents told me about playing with guns. They were old school, I don't know if it was spoken, but it was implied that if I ever played with a gun, always loaded never locked, that I should hope that it kills me, because it would be better than my punishment.
Thus concludes my whine. I will be thankful that I get to hug and kiss them everyday. I will be thankful that they are unaware that I am not legally anything to them. I will be thankful that I am their mom. I will also say a prayer for all of the mothers who are without their children tonight, whatever the reason. May they be conceived, born, relinquished, available, returned soon, or may they rest in peace.
I don't hold out much hope that the court hearing will change the current situation. Every single state and federal law regarding length of time in care has been violated. Why should Tuesday change anything?
Even without court I have about a hundred pages of paperwork to do before the end of the week if I'd like to get reimbursed for my time and effort. I have to write down what we did every hour of every day, in triplicate. I have to write down where we went and who's had contact with the kids, in triplicate. I even have to, in triplicate, write down all the things we didn't do. We didn't go to the doctor, or the dentist, or the psychologist, or the psychiatrist. We did not spend the night in any home not currently licensed by the state, nor did we spend more than four hours with anyone who does not have a background check on file with our agency. No persons, without a background check, regularly visit our home, nor has anyone spent the night in our home. We have not had more than six kids sleeping overnight in our home at anytime during the month, and any play time activities held at our home had no less than a 6/1 kid/adult ratio. I have to account for any "suspicious" marks on the children. Also have to explain why I kneed one of them in the head, just in case. BTW - he bent down where I was stepping, kapow.
This has been going on for three years and four months. I know I should be thankful that they are in my house, safe and sound and asleep. I know I should be thankful that I am getting paid, however poorly, to take care of them, every little bit helps. I am, all of the above. But I still want to whine. I, don't want to have to ask permission to take my kids swimming, or out of town, or out of state.
It wouldn't bother me quite as much if all sides were treated equally. If I don't complete all of my assigned tasks on a regular basis, they come and get the kids. If the other side quits their job, refuses counseling or parenting classes, no big deal. If I miss my parenting classes, not only do I still have to do the class, I have to write a response to my citation as to why I couldn't make it. Well, here's my reason for everything I can't do - I'm parenting three preschoolers, two teenagers, and a grade schooler. I cannot find childcare because no one wants to pay $120, submit to an FBI background check and take 20 classes so that I can pay them very little money. $60/day does not provide for much quality childcare.
So cite me, often. Cite me for improper restraints when I keep a kid from running into the street when there is no car, or that I won't let them drink coke whenever they want. Cite me for letting friends sleep over, and going to the pool. Cite me for not taking the medication class for the 6th time. Cite me for not having my fridge cold enough to freeze the milk, or for telling the children "no". I understand that telling a child "no" damages their spirit, but Jesus said "let your yes be yes and your no be no", it doesn't say "let your no be 'guns are not for shooting'". Um, yes they are, but I was actually told, by a play therapist, that I should never tell little middle "no", even though he was pointing a gun at me at the moment. Maybe I should have gone back to discuss what my parents told me about playing with guns. They were old school, I don't know if it was spoken, but it was implied that if I ever played with a gun, always loaded never locked, that I should hope that it kills me, because it would be better than my punishment.
Thus concludes my whine. I will be thankful that I get to hug and kiss them everyday. I will be thankful that they are unaware that I am not legally anything to them. I will be thankful that I am their mom. I will also say a prayer for all of the mothers who are without their children tonight, whatever the reason. May they be conceived, born, relinquished, available, returned soon, or may they rest in peace.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
4th of July Fun
We woke up to a LOT of rain, much needed, but why is it on a day when we need to get out of the house?
For the most part we did nothing all day, it was wonderful, kiddos got a little wacko but we all survived.
I did let the kids have a snowball fight. What? A snowball fight on the 4th of July in Texas? Yes, we finally found a use for those pink coconut balls of frosting and chocolate. The kids had fun, baby boy was laughing so hard. During the fight, no one actually fought, it was nice. An unexpected twist. The pink parts are gelatinous molds, they stay in one piece until someone mushes them into a giant pink ball. Gross. They make a popping sound when they hit a body, it sounds like it hurts, but the only near injury was coconut shavings in the eye. The chocolate and frosting washed away with the hose, the seagulls and dog took care of the coconut molds. I have video, but it's sideways and I don't have time to figure out how to right it just now.
After that, I took a very good nap, dreaming of something wonderful until 'WGLAHAAAAAAAAA" from a little one. Which kept me grumpy until we left for fireworks.
I didn't realize until about 10:00 last night that a visit for Monday wasn't arranged. I know these things aren't my responsibility, and suspending visits usually improves behavior, I just don't want the other side to have any excuses. I think we all know that the department is not doing their job, I would hate for that to be the reason they don't terminate.
Again, please pray they ask for termination next week. I, you'll be surprised, have not gotten a time for court. I don't think they want me there. Hmmmm? That's ok, I'll send God to fight my battle for me.
To clarify the complexities of the proceedings. The department can ask that they proceed towards termination on Tuesday. If that request is granted they will set a trial date. If they don't ask for termination, we will begin the process to sue the state to do so. We believe that either way we can get this resolved this year, but if the department asks it won't cost us a new car.
Also send some love over here
For the most part we did nothing all day, it was wonderful, kiddos got a little wacko but we all survived.
I did let the kids have a snowball fight. What? A snowball fight on the 4th of July in Texas? Yes, we finally found a use for those pink coconut balls of frosting and chocolate. The kids had fun, baby boy was laughing so hard. During the fight, no one actually fought, it was nice. An unexpected twist. The pink parts are gelatinous molds, they stay in one piece until someone mushes them into a giant pink ball. Gross. They make a popping sound when they hit a body, it sounds like it hurts, but the only near injury was coconut shavings in the eye. The chocolate and frosting washed away with the hose, the seagulls and dog took care of the coconut molds. I have video, but it's sideways and I don't have time to figure out how to right it just now.
After that, I took a very good nap, dreaming of something wonderful until 'WGLAHAAAAAAAAA" from a little one. Which kept me grumpy until we left for fireworks.
I didn't realize until about 10:00 last night that a visit for Monday wasn't arranged. I know these things aren't my responsibility, and suspending visits usually improves behavior, I just don't want the other side to have any excuses. I think we all know that the department is not doing their job, I would hate for that to be the reason they don't terminate.
Again, please pray they ask for termination next week. I, you'll be surprised, have not gotten a time for court. I don't think they want me there. Hmmmm? That's ok, I'll send God to fight my battle for me.
To clarify the complexities of the proceedings. The department can ask that they proceed towards termination on Tuesday. If that request is granted they will set a trial date. If they don't ask for termination, we will begin the process to sue the state to do so. We believe that either way we can get this resolved this year, but if the department asks it won't cost us a new car.
Also send some love over here
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
She got her baby back, baby back, baby back....
Go wish her well, as they get back into their own rhythm.
Also, pray for us, our court date is 7/8 - the only thing we are hoping for is termination. Although not throwing our vacation plans into a tailspin would also be nice. We asked for permission to take the kids with us waaaaay back in April, the CPS worker just asked the judge about a week ago. We bought plane tickets in May, and should be able to take kids we've been raising for three and a half years on a family vacation. You think?
Also, there have been new developments involving Mama's family with more kids being removed into foster care. So, we are hoping that enough will finally be enough. Maybe I need to get me an Oprah Vision Board?????
Just think Johnny Cochran 7/8 - terminate
Also, pray for us, our court date is 7/8 - the only thing we are hoping for is termination. Although not throwing our vacation plans into a tailspin would also be nice. We asked for permission to take the kids with us waaaaay back in April, the CPS worker just asked the judge about a week ago. We bought plane tickets in May, and should be able to take kids we've been raising for three and a half years on a family vacation. You think?
Also, there have been new developments involving Mama's family with more kids being removed into foster care. So, we are hoping that enough will finally be enough. Maybe I need to get me an Oprah Vision Board?????
Just think Johnny Cochran 7/8 - terminate
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Minimum Standards Training
Hubby and I need about 30 hours of training each year to maintain our foster license. Our agency is kind enough to do it in home on a regular basis. So that all y'all non-foster parents can learn from us I will share this months edition of minimum standards.
"Best practice suggests:
feeding infants while infants are awake"
Apparently it is optional if you are awake, good thing.
"Best practice for toddler care suggests:
Enough popular items availabe so that toddlers are not forced to compete for them."
Is that even possible?
"Do not force children to sleep"
Again, is that possible?
and my favorite, discipline...
"You may not use or threaten to use corporal punishment with any child in care. It includes:
1. Hitting or spanking a chld with a hand or instrument" such as a saxaphone.
"2. Forcing or requiring the child to do any of the following...Unproductive work. Unproductive work is work that serves no purpose...Examples include digging a hole and filling it up."
Hold up here, I thought we were all inclusive. Dig a hole and fill it up is very Zen. And Zen is in, right. I believe that this should fall under the separation clause that does not exist.
"In addition to corporal punishment, prohibited discipline techniques include, but are not limited to:"
leaving room for everything they don't like after the fact.
"1. Any harsh, cruel, unusual, unnecessary, demeaning, or humiliating discipline or punishment;".....
Don't they encourage us to be "unusual"? Don't we as parents have to stay one step ahead? I understand not being overly harsh, but not harsh at all? If you are biting someone, I should just talk you out of it? And what is unnecessary discipline?
"4. Using sarcastic or cruel humor"
"6. Biting a child"
"12 Confining child to a box"
"13. Denying basic child rights as a form of discipline"
What's that? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
"Time out is not appropriate for infants and is not recommended for toddlers"
OK Supernanny, you're going to need to cover this one. When is it appropriate to put a child in time out? I think that I will never put another child in time out. From now on I will put myself in time out for not being understanding. I understand that I should be in timeout for one minute for each year of age I am. About the time it takes to take a nap. No one is allowed talk to me while I'm in timeout, otherwise I will begin to act up as a way of seeking attention.
I'm putting myself in timeout for being sarcastic, it is totally not appropriate. I'll start as soon as I call the state on my own parents for all of the "unproductive work" I had to do as a child.
"Best practice suggests:
feeding infants while infants are awake"
Apparently it is optional if you are awake, good thing.
"Best practice for toddler care suggests:
Enough popular items availabe so that toddlers are not forced to compete for them."
Is that even possible?
"Do not force children to sleep"
Again, is that possible?
and my favorite, discipline...
"You may not use or threaten to use corporal punishment with any child in care. It includes:
1. Hitting or spanking a chld with a hand or instrument" such as a saxaphone.
"2. Forcing or requiring the child to do any of the following...Unproductive work. Unproductive work is work that serves no purpose...Examples include digging a hole and filling it up."
Hold up here, I thought we were all inclusive. Dig a hole and fill it up is very Zen. And Zen is in, right. I believe that this should fall under the separation clause that does not exist.
"In addition to corporal punishment, prohibited discipline techniques include, but are not limited to:"
leaving room for everything they don't like after the fact.
"1. Any harsh, cruel, unusual, unnecessary, demeaning, or humiliating discipline or punishment;".....
Don't they encourage us to be "unusual"? Don't we as parents have to stay one step ahead? I understand not being overly harsh, but not harsh at all? If you are biting someone, I should just talk you out of it? And what is unnecessary discipline?
"4. Using sarcastic or cruel humor"
"6. Biting a child"
"12 Confining child to a box"
"13. Denying basic child rights as a form of discipline"
What's that? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
"Time out is not appropriate for infants and is not recommended for toddlers"
OK Supernanny, you're going to need to cover this one. When is it appropriate to put a child in time out? I think that I will never put another child in time out. From now on I will put myself in time out for not being understanding. I understand that I should be in timeout for one minute for each year of age I am. About the time it takes to take a nap. No one is allowed talk to me while I'm in timeout, otherwise I will begin to act up as a way of seeking attention.
I'm putting myself in timeout for being sarcastic, it is totally not appropriate. I'll start as soon as I call the state on my own parents for all of the "unproductive work" I had to do as a child.
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