The best fourth hand information available

So, I have a friend who has a friend......Seriously though, my babies have an oldest brother, who has a foster parent, who has a caseworker who went to court today. She reports that the judge has suspended visits, imposed a time limit of six months (gasp, I know....) and told Mama that if she would like to show cause for resuming visits she will have to have her ducks in a row and petition the court. The attorney for Mama did not show today, and Mama appeared for herself, first time in over 15 months that she has even attended court.

Now, I am not sure if this six month limit is a hard and fast, reunify or terminate six months, or if it is the point at which they start the termination proceedings. I am hoping that it is termination due to the fact that Felpsy is going in to Kindergarten next year and I would like to keep him in a private school setting for as long as we are able. This would not be possible, because foster children are not allowed to attend private schools. Boo. Hiss. He has been eligible for Early Head Start and Pre-K and I could save $$$$$. But we are really enjoying his preschool experience and today when we stopped in to tell his class that we were not coming due to his broken arm, his teacher stopped the class so they could all pray for him. While I know there are many Christian's in public schools, they cannot stop class to have everyone pray.

Anyway, I've asked the attorney to give me an official report by end of biz tomorrow, so if any of this information changes, I'll be sure to let you all know.

Thanks for your prayers.

BTW - We saw the pediatrician for the broken arm, and he forwarded all of the info to an orthopedist. We have not heard from said orthopedist, and the ped says not to be concerned if it is Friday or next week before we get in. So, ok, good thing we rushed him in. Apparently, poorly healed fractures are only bad if there isn't thousands of dollars of tax payer money being redistributed to not get urgent care. My rant for a different day. I am thankful that the state is picking up the bill on that, I just wonder how many people couldn't afford to take their kid in on something like this, who are later deemed bad parents. This obviously isn't emergent, and no one seems surprised. Felpsy was not in agony, and has only taken one dose of Ibuprofen, and only because he heard the doctor say "if he needs it" and of course he did. Nothing has been said today about any pain. Anyway, like I said, we'll save that for another day.

Again, thanks for all your prayers.

Court Today

No big changes expected, but it's at 2:00 central time, send up a little prayer about that time that all goes well for our babies and their siblings.

Also, Felpsy and I will be fixing his funny bone today, he broke it just below the shoulder last night.

Thanks so much for your prayers, they mean the world to us.

20/20 Rant

First of all my rant isn't with 20/20, I think they reported the story accurately, which is something that has been missed by the local media. First off, let me say, that I do NOT know this family. I know people well, who know them well.

That prosecuting attorney really irked me. "I did the right thing in convicting her." What the crap? You didn't even give the jury proper instructions. They found her guilty of omission. Guilty of not getting medical help. What you failed to tell the jury is this, in order to find her guilty of capital murder you have to know BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT, that she withheld medical treatment knowing he would die if she did. One of the jurors they interviewed kept saying "we'll never know" when asked that very question. DING DING DING DING DING, we have reasonable doubt.

If you go to http://freehannah.com you'll see in the appellate papers that at least one juror has issued a statement to the fact that they were unaware that the standard to be met had to be that Hannah knew the boy would die.

As for the camera in the bedroom. I have been asked by many a caseworker to put them in our bedrooms. We've always refused, but they particularly urge it when room sharing is going on between children not biologically related.

In my opinion Hannah is the scapegoat for the incompetence of our system. Both the foster system and the legal system. People were outraged that a child died while in foster care. More importantly, the biological family still had legal rights to the boy and you can bet they were filing lawsuits left and right, convicting Hannah alleviated some of the liability of the state.

The local media focused on Hannah's emotional state in the Urgent Care Center. She was performing CPR when they arrived and wasn't upset enough. So had she been too hysterical to perform CPR that would have been better? Apparently she didn't think he was going to die.

Something else they tried to put out in the media was that Andrew had cigarette burns all over his body. Turns out they were mosquito bites he'd picked at obsessively, and if you've ever been on the south coast of Texas in September you know all about mosquito swarms, they are quite literally the size of house flies.

I hate this whole case. I think that the prosecutor needs to become a foster parent for about five minutes, her whole attitude will change. I think someone needs to bring her a baby that lived for two years with a meth addict and then two years in the foster system.

and another little tangent here, the former foster parent saying "he didn't act like that when he lived with me." Yeah, he was probably attatched to you, but since you didn't want to adopt him, you perpetuated the breaking attachment cycle and amped it up a notch or two. I know attachments can be transferred but neither the state nor most foster parents want to take the time to do it properly. Especially to a family who has never fostered before. It takes four to six months to do it properly, four to six months of the caseworker working with two families for one child. Four to six months that the foster family has to deal with another intrusion in their life. Four to six months seems for ever when all you want to do is bring your child home, but no one explains this to the adoptive parents. When Felpsy came to our house, I specifically begged that they do it as weekend respite for about a month then more frequent visits. They wouldn't do it.

Sorry this is so poorly written and non objective, but I'm emotionally involved here. I'm stuck on the fact that she'd have gotten off with probation had she been driving through the neighborhood and had "accidentally" killed him by shooting 20 rounds into his house. It makes me sick.

But, from what I can gather she is making the most of her time in prison, her husband and church are standing behind her. Let's all pray that in two weeks they'll agree to accept her appeal. I'm also going to find out where I can send her some cards and letters. Her website is asking that you submit your letters online in the contact us portion, they print them out and deliver them to Hannah that way. I'll contact someone here locally and see if we can send actual cards and letters. Let me know if you are interested. In the meantime let's all pray for them.

By Request - Adoption Incentives

IRS Form 8839

In english now...This is the form that you MUST file the tax year the adoption is finalized. If you are not eligible for the tax credit the year the adoption is finalized, for example if your adjusted gross income is greater than $210,000 (give or take), you have up to five years to claim the subsidy. I'd pay a CPA to figure this one out. Private adoption subsidies are "reimbursements" for actual costs related to adoption, home studies, travel expenses, adoption fees, etc. If you adopt a special needs child from foster care, you can claim the entire $11,390 regardless of your out of pocket expenses. Explained here. If your tax liability for the year is less than $11,390 you must also fill out a carryover form.

Federal Title IV adoption assistance - here it explains that most children in foster care are eligible for this assistance.


Here are some of my friends' states

OH
AR
TX
To find yours go HERE and type in the full spelling of your state and "adoption subsidy".

Note that the amount listed for adoption subsidy is for the legal expenses related to adopting the child. Most attorneys who regularly work within the system will direct bill the state and you will not have to pay the attorney nor will you recieve the check. But this is what triggers the IRS adoption incentives. If you qualify for this state assistance you automatically qualify for the IRS assistance under "special needs". Even if you do not receive further assistance from your state. *****legal disclaimer****I am not a professional consult a CPA in your area, don't sue me, you won't get anything.

If you have already adopted prior to this year, you can appeal to get credit for previous years if you were not informed that these incentives existed. Most agencies I've dealt with don't cover this, but I'll bet they have you sign something that says they did, just being cynical. But worth it to look into.

In my circumstance, when we adopt we will be eligible for special needs subsidy, even though our children are normal and healthy. They qualify for several factors, being they are of a minority group and over the age of two. They are part of a sibling group being adopted together. When the children are placed in adoptive placement their Medicaid cards will change from the state's budget to the fed's budget. We will also begin to receive a monthly stipend, based on the level of care the children are receiving when placed into adoptive placement. We will also be eligible for respite and other things. We will not be able to receive those because there are certain hoops we'll have to jump through to receive them. We are not going to be jumping through any more hoops, but each child would receive 50 respite days a year, that could be used for day camps and sleep away camps and respite respite. Our kids would also be eligible for full tuition at any state college. Some colleges even offer room, board and books.

Also note that if you have a child currently placed in foster care once they transfer over to adoptive care you will stop receiving foster care money. Your adoption subsidy will kick in the first day of the next month, so tricky dick accountant says "Don't accept an adoptive placement until the last three days of the month." This will limit your losses. I know we're not doing this for the money, but take advantage of all the programs to their fullest extent.

So, I hope that was helpful. I do just want to remind everyone to check and see if their children qualify as "special needs" generally speaking kids in foster care do regardless of their mental and physical capabilities. Check it out with your CPA - we generally pay about $200 - $400 a year and we have a corporation and many other facets so, investing a couple of hundred bucks to see if you qualify for several thousand may be worth it.

Finally some News

So as you'll all recall, several weeks ago I sent a letter to our Attorney General. I complained that the County Attorney was not doing their job by allowing our children to wallow in foster care for the last 3 1/2 to 4 years. He kindly told me he couldn't help me, I understand that he cannot take sides in a court case, but had he told me he'd light the fire under the butts of the people who were supposed to be looking into this, that would have been good.

So, after contacting the AG, I was contacted by our local representative's legal counsel. He looked into it for me, said that the county attorney was content with it being 'finalized' back in 2006 when the placed the kids in Permanent foster care Managing Conservatorship. He suggested that we hire an attorney, which we already had done.

Our attorney says that a sufficient fire was lit under the butts of the people there and they are sometime in the next 90 days going to 'begin' proceedings to terminate rights. She's going to pester them once a week until they do. We'll have to go there, but at least we can maybe finally get this done.

So, you want to hear the excuse reason they have been unwilling to pursue termination up until this point? Mama was depressed. Mama didn't understand the process. Mama couldn't emotionally handle having her kids taken away. Well, then maybe Mama should have gotten her act together. Mama doesn't appear to have the Mama bear instinct that is a major component of mothering. I think we all know what I'm tired of....

Listen

Do you hear the angelic choir? Do you see the 'Touched by an Angel' light. We had a huge breakthrough today.

We were watching Jumanji. For those of you who haven't, the kids in the story have recently lost their parents and come to live with their aunt. Later they meet up with Robin Williams' character, who also grew up without his parents. At this point Felpsy verbalized that 'this movie makes me sad.'

Yes, I get that, but I am so happy that he gets that. I'm not happy that he's sad, rather that he

a. Has emotion other than anger
b. Can recognize emotion
c. Can verbalize emotion
d. Displayed empathy for others
e. Allowed a follow up conversation and was able to work through his emotion.

I asked him why the movie made him sad. He said it's sad that kids don't have parents. He finished our conversation telling me that it makes him feel better when he talks about feeling sad with me.

This is without medication or therapy. He finished the movie without any further problems. We had some other behavior issues later in the night, but I attribute that more to the possibility of an overnight storm and a lack of schedule the last few days, rather than any residual sadness.

He has been sleeping in his bed the last few nights. I'm so excited about all of these break throughs. Further indication that the 75% of life theory has some credibility. We are 12 weeks away from that point. He was placed at 19 months, he'll have been with us for thirty six.

Also proud that we've been able to teach him how to handle his emotions. Guess I'll have to start on my own. (Let's see, I have about 50 more years til I've been here 75% of my life)

I wonder if it's coincindence.

For a year or two, I don't know it all runs together, but for a long while Felpsy didn't sleep in his bed. He has a bed, he has always had his own bed in our house, and it was never used. If you asked him it was because of "all the blood" that he would rather sleep on the hardwood floor than on his bed.

When he was first placed with us at 19 months he didn't talk. Unless you count "MOM" as the worst swear word you've ever heard. Other than that he didn't talk. And when we put him in his bed he cried, and cried and cried. Ferber didn't work with him. When he did sleep in was short, and he always woke up screaming. Always. It was not until this year, two and a half years after placement that screaming did not greet us with the rising sun. Every day.

We practiced many hours how to wake up. We would "sleep," we would "wake up," we would "look around to see where we are," and we would say "good morning mom." We did this day in and day out, and we would eventually hear "good morning mom," but only after the initial screams.

He finally learned to wake up without screaming. He eventually found his way into bed. He's been there for awhile, without much anxiety. Until recently. He's back on the floor. Because of all the blood.

As it would turn out, and he couldn't know this, the anniversary of his removal from his first family is rapidly approaching. He couldn't know this because the last time he lived with his first family he was six months old. I've found that six month old children do not keep a close eye on the calendar.

So, I wonder if it is just a coincidence that he is back on the floor tonight. Snuggled up safely between his door and the baby gate that we no longer need.

Traditions

About this time three years ago, we had a disruption. A very difficult time. We had hoped from the very beginning to adopt the three kids. They came ranging from age 6-13 and left ranging from 8-14. They were TPR so that situation was different from the situation we are currently going through.

I still have a very broken heart for the three of them. The oldest was fourteen and had never spent two Christmas' in the same house. Each family has their own Christmas traditions. They may follow the same basic time line of dinner, Christmas Eve Service, etc, but each has its own unique twist to the basic. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas because the calendar says so, it feels like Christmas because we get in our jammies and drive around town looking at Christmas lights.

Traditions can be done at any time or any place. Making wherever you go feel more like home. Tonight we had macaroni for dinner. Before the kids could talk I would sing "Yankee Doodle" whenever we made macaroni. I'd sing up to the "and called it..." part and then try to get them to say "macaroni."

We hadn't done this in awhile, so tonight when one of them asked what I was making, I told them and then Felpsy said you can't say "macaroni" that's our job. So, we went back and did it right. Up until now, it was our own little secret family tradition. I'm quite sure that I'm not the only person on the planet that does that.

When I was young we would dress up, gag and go across the road to my grandmother's house. Our local extended family was all there, we ate soups with little tiny crackers, and got one gift. The giver had been determined when the entire clan from my father's side gathered at Thanksgiving, immediately after our post turkey hike, and right before the pie. Each year my uncle would build some very elaborate box that required tools to open for the gift his family got our grandmother. I think that we were more excited about the box than our gift. The only gift I ever remember receiving at a Christmas Eve celebration was a watch when I was in the second grade. Because we ALLLLLL got watches in the second grade. Because it was tradition. At precisely 10 o'clock we scattered like the house was on fire, because we all knew we had to be in bed by midnight or Santa would fly by our house and we'd miss out.

I have been lax at the family tradition thing. Probably because I had my kids so young I didn't see the importance. At eighteen everything was still lame. Although I have anxiety to this day when I see stockings on someones mantle before Christmas
Eve, and even worse if the stockings don't match.

I've started a few new traditions lately. We were going to have a first day of summer sno-ball fight. You know, the grodiest pink coconut covered hostess snacks that aren't fit for eating. Well, I couldn't find any around summer time, so I waited until the 4th of July. It was hilarious.

For the past couple of years we've had people from church over for Christmas Eve dinner. It hasn't ever been on Christmas Eve though. We go to a megachurch so Christmas Eve services might start as early as the 22nd. But it's awesome, ham balls, potatoes and gravy, rolls, I love it and hope it continues for years to come.

I've been wanting to start a new one for Christmas ever since my friend told me that their kids only get three gifts for Christmas, because Jesus only got three. It's hard though. You want to get the kids everything. But you can't, so why not get them three special refrigerator boxes things? So, we are going to try to exercise a little self control and limit our gifting this year.

And, I hate to admit this, but for the last three years, my post New Year's tradition has been to take back all the banned substances from my house. Since the kids are still wards of the state, people feel the need to get them things. I appreciate the sentiment, but three small children with 10-15 noise producing toys, can you imagine? So, yes, I Annie, take gifts intended for orphans and trade them in for gift cards and buy other things.

Here is a cry for mercy tip for those of you who would buy gifts for foster children. MOST foster homes have LOTS of children in them. There are the exceptions, but for the most part six is normal. Now take the popular gift items such as Lego's, building blocks, story books that sing, cell phones that ring, 100 piece jewelry sets, Barbie and her entourage, crayons. Multiply that by six and scatter them about your house. That's what I would be dealing with. So, I very lovingly pick out a couple of nice things, and donate what would be useful to another family of many, or exchange them for something that would be useful to our children.

So besides stealing gifts from orphans, what are your family traditions?

They're Not Mine

Oh - they are mine in the sense of I feed them and clothe them and yell at them in Target to stick close. But they're not mine.

I would like to think they're mine, but they're not mine.

I would like the state to acknowledge they're mine. But they're not mine.

They came from my body, they should be mine. But they're not mine.

Whether they came from your body or came from your heart, whether they were with you for minutes or hours or days or years they are not yours. They are God's, He saw fit to allow you the privilege of being their parents. I need to remember this, as we get a little closer to all the fur that is sure to fly over these next few months. I do believe it is time for these children to have some parents in the legal sense, but it will not make them mine, per se. I continue to thank God for the privilege of being with them every day. But they're not mine.

Foster Care In Texas

Since I first reported to y'all that we had to hire an attorney regarding getting our kids out of foster care, people have been emailing me their stories. Let me tell you, it's a stinky place to be in foster care. We have babies living in drug treatment facilities, babies going on visits and ending up in the ER, and CPS getting Permanent Managing Conservatorship (PMC) on babies. Now, I know most of us aren't lawyers but read this:

(b) In determining whether the department should be
appointed as managing[0] conservator of the child without terminating
the rights of a parent of the child, the court shall take the
following factors into consideration:
(1) that the child will reach 18 years of age in not
less than three years;
(2) that the child is 12 years of age or older and has
expressed a strong desire against termination or being adopted;
(3) that the child has special medical or behavioral
needs that make adoption of the child unlikely; and
(4) the needs and desires of the child.

Does this allow for CPS to take PMC on babies. NO!!!!! I see 15 or older, I see 12 or older and not wanting to be adopted, I see unlikely to be adopted. I don't see babies anywhere.

I think we need to start reporting judges for going outside the law. This clearly states that PMC can only be granted under these conditions. If it is granted for other reasons. We should complain.

Do it here

This Week In Review

My actual interactions dealing with foster care this past week.

Phone call: Mrs. (so and so), this is (someone) from CPS. I was wondering if you still had (Lil Middle) in your care?

I thought they had some way of keeping track of these things.......

Letter: Foster Parent,

Please verify whether Booger and Princess are receiving services from ECI. (Early Childhood Intervention)

My Email Response: No Booger and Princess are not receiving ECI services, ECI is not available to children over the age of three.

Their Email Response: We need ECI to provide a written statement as to why Booger and Princess did not receive their services.

My Email Response: Booger and Princess were never evaluated for ECI services. Their pediatrician never referred as they exhibited no occupational delays.

Their Email Response: Please forward to us a statement from ECI stating why Booger and Princess never received their services.

OK Dear ECI Please send me a letter telling me why you never provided services for children you never knew existed.

Our med class revealed that Lil Middle's anti anxiety medication has a side effect of "anxiety, agitation". That's helpful.

Our sitter for next weekend flaked on going to training. That means we cannot leave the kids alone with her while we are out of town. That seems inconvenient. This also rules out our September trip and possibly our October trip. Or take the kids. Nothing says romantic getaway like five kids.

The other foster parent in my life notified me that there will be a visit on Monday. I was not informed of this, although the CW for our children did not notify him either. The CW of the other child he has (mama's minor brother) notified him. Luckily that CW understands that I cannot personally transport six kids 3.5 hours by myself and that CW has set up transport for the family to come here. FINALLY. To be clear about that I did offer to transport the kids to visits. THREE YEARS AGO, when the visit was maybe once a month and only 40 miles away. 18 months ago they called and said they were picking up the kids because they weren't able to see mama enough. At that point I agreed to take my three and their brother. I did not EVER think that three and a half years into this I would be expected to take every minor child associated with this family wherever they needed to go, whenever they needed to get there. I guess I'm just too nice, bet you'd never have guessed that.

Economy of Foster Care

As you may or may not know foster care pays (not very much). Here are my money saving tips for those of you who haven't figured it all out yet.

First, I charge them for all services I provide. I will tuck them in at night, but it will cost them an ear wiggle. At certain times decided by the phase of the moon or tide schedule tucking in will go on sale. During sale times the change due for an ear wiggle is a tickle. Tickles are like pennies, they cost more to make than they are worth, but to them it feels like a real bargain.

I save all ear wiggles until I have enough to buy earrings, I purchased my last pair.....in April.....2007ish, or maybe it was 2006. But my husband did buy me a pair for our anniversary in 2007. They were made from volcanic ash, cool huh? I figure I've got about enough to buy new pair unless there is another sale and I have to cash in some ear wiggles for tickles.

Next I only feed them hot dogs, and most of the time cold ones. What is it about three year olds and cold hot dogs? This strategy does save us four cents a year on electricity that would have been used heating them up, it's more of a tortoise than a hare road to riches.

Next they are only allowed one outfit. Booger has chosen a car shirt, that has 47,000 miles on it, he pairs it with a fancy pair of "black" shorts that are actually tan. They are not dirty, he just insists that they are black.

The four year old likes to cook which saves us a ton of money on our chef services. He also likes to sweep and we have since let go of the maid. He has also shown a proficiency for decorating. We like to call his style "Early American Childhood." We are expecting Oprah to replace her cutie pie with ours, I think it will all the rage in households across America with children under the age of five.

Booger enjoys doing the laundry and Princess likes to "wash dishes", actually all three like that one. Washing dishes almost always entails "mopping the floor" thereby combining the two jobs into one. Another creative work combo is bathing/mopping bathroom floor.

My next big tip is to take them out to eat often. The big box warehouse stores often offer samples around lunchtime, we practice our "pathetic orphan" faces during the week and can usually get out of there spending only $100 - but with a free "lunch". This also applies to the snacks offered at church, I have taught them that if they "spill" theirs they can get a replacement, but while the church worker is preparing a second cup of goldfish to hurridly eat the original fish off the floor. Our church also has fruit and granola bars, if they are fast and snappy they can stuff their pockets with three or four granola bars while I am "socializing" and we are covered for snacks.

I saved hundreds of dollars on swimming lessons, I taught them myself. This has worked well for me as I am also lazy. I no longer have to practice my tennis spectator head jerks while I am alone with three little ones at the pool.

I of course get paid quite heftily for the other services I provide. Playing outside always nets me flowers. When I tell Princess how pretty she looks she responds with "no, you look pretty", they always, and I mean always say "thank you mom for making dinner" and I didn't teach them that one.

I would also point out again that you can claim your orphans on your taxes, but that seemed to upset some people. I know I should be doing this out of the goodness of my heart, but Walmart isn't hiring right now. When they do, that will be my big money break. I can work 8 hours for more money. Wahooo. At that time I will dump them all at the nearest state office and buy myself a convertible. For those of you upset that I'm claiming the foster children on my taxes and not caring for them solely out of the goodness of my heart, rest assured as soon as the state gets their act together and terminates their parents' rights, I won't change anything other than their last name. And I urge you to check out what the irs says on the matter. Don't google it, you'll get more opinions of people who know nothing about the tax code. Don't ask your case worker, it is out of their realm of expertise. irs.gov - that's all I'm saying.

So, what money advice from me would be complete without the following, tithe and stop using credit.

My Wrist Has an Attachment Disorder

Ten to twelve years ago I tweaked my wrist, ever so slightly. I dislocated a bone, I remember it happening, my arm fell instantly asleep. When it woke up it was hurting. I went to a doctor and was given prescription strength Naproxin and a wrist brace. After a couple of weeks it felt better.

Eight or so years ago it started to hurt again, baby carrying wrist. More Naproxin, wear the brace, on with life. Off an on throughout the years it has hurt, Naproxin would make the pain go away and soon enough it was sore so often I forgot that it was.

A month ago while visiting a doctor about my shoulder he was trying to discover how far down my arm the problem went. He was feeling down my arm and got to just below my elbow and asked, "what did you do to your wrist?"

"Oh, that..." and I told him the whole story. He told me that it was likely that my wrist problem caused my shoulder problem. We addressed the wrist problem and my shoulder pain has gone away. My wrist is so used to being all jacked up that it hurts to be normal. I go and get my wrist adjusted to normal and it hurts like crazy, hours or days later when I hear it pop out of normal it feels better, but I know it only feels better, it is broken.

How many foster kids are out there all jacked up, but have numbed themselves to the pain? Sure it used to hurt that their parents didn't care about them, that nobody bothered to feed them or change them, but eventually it became normal. Occassionally something would remind them that the broken nature of their relationship was not normal and it would hurt for awhile, then the hurt became normal.

Our job as foster parents is to adjust them back to the correct position. There is nothing we humans like better than feeling good, even when we are broken. We had a girl who would go door to door in our neighborhood asking for food and money. She had all she needed at our house, but it felt more normal to beg from strangers than it did to ask her "parents".

And like my shoulder tried to protect my wrist and then became the more noticable problem, these kids protect their broken normal and end up with other problems. In the seventh grade no one can recall if they were left for days at a time in soiled diapers, but their brain knows it. Their brain protects them from trusting too much, or relying on others too much, and then they develop the social disorders. They become Oppositional Defiant, or get a Conduct Disorder. And because we can't get the brain to let go of what happened twelve years ago we try fruitlessly to what appears to be the problem, but isn't the problem at all. If we could correctly identify what the problem was, then the compensating problem would go away.

I know that my wrist, after being out of place for over ten years, will not be better tomorrow, or next week. It may take years for what is normal to feel normal again.

It's Apparent You're a Foster Parent When...

...your four year old asks for his "meds".

...you contemplate not swatting a 14 pound mosquito because someone might mistake it for abuse.

...the door bell rings you make sure the meds are double locked before you answer.

...you have to write reports on all of the stuff you didn't do today. We did not take child A to any medical appointments. We did not take child B to any medical appointments. We did not take child C to any medical appointments.

...you see your child doing something dangerous and you contemplate which report/investigation will be worse. Improper restraint/Improper supervision.

...your kids play "caseworker" and they ask each other "where do you sleep?" and "how does that make you feel?"

... they ask if you remember which mom was it that....

...this is a problem

...people ask, "are you babysitting? Are they ALL yours?"

...you get the "knowing glances" (judging)that others give you when you have several children of different races, and they alternate with the kids that match you on the outside and they all call you mom.

...You have a 5th grader, a 6th grader, a 7th grader, an 8th grader and a 9th grader. 3 of them are 14 and 2 of them are 12 and they go to four different schools, because some have special needs that can't be served by your neighborhood school.

...you need the police to get a child into or out of the house.

...you have to practice waking up without screaming with a two year old.

...your bio kids know more about attachment disorders than a psychologist, because they live it everyday.

...you are perplexed when the receptionist asks for payment after a bio kids doctor visit.

My Mansion In The Sky

I've heard that the work we do here will be reflected there by the size of our mansion. I don't know what sound Biblical principle that's based on, but it sounds good. A friend mentioned that should people from a certain government agency that I'm dealing with make it to heaven, they should have to mow my lawn. Here's to hoping.

Here on this side of the veil I'm looking at a lot of flip houses. I can see the potential but have gotten too good at estimating the cost. I wonder what happened to that first flip attitude. Well, I know what happened to it, reality. I was going to buy the place for $5,000 - put in about $5,000 and sell the place for about a million. Course these houses come as is and you don't really know what the foundation is like til you get into it.

It's also become apparent to me that the more potential is in a flip the more problems come with it. I gave up trying to get it all done in six weeks, I try to identify the next big problem and deal with that one only. Of course some other work has to go by the wayside. Who cares about the landscaping when the sewer's backed up?

I guess that's Satan's way of trying to get us off course. I know a lot of people drive by and pity the fool who purchased that one. I gave up caring what others think. It's an investment, and I may lose some money, but I can see it in all of its glory, somedays. Somedays I take the day off, somedays I'm going to hire a subcontractor, somedays somebody runs off with all the copper pipes. Somedays it's a property dispute. It's a process. I know it would be a lot easier to get the houses turnkey, but being a builder is just one of the ways God made me special.

Child O' Mine

Most of the fostering questions I get, is how can you let them go. Luckily we have not had to let go of too many. The ones we did have to say "Good bye" to hurt a lot. We let them go knowing that they were not in the right place.

We do not have any legal closure on the three children who have lived with us for over three years, so I do know how it feels to wonder if you will see this child grow up. Most of the people whom I know who foster, got into fostering primarily to adopt. I believe that everyone who adopts is looking to make the world a better place for the child/ren they do adopt. We all know, and are all told, that these foster children might go home. We sign on knowing that. But knowing and feeling are two very different things.

We know that these children "belong" to their parents, regardless of what their parents did or did not do. We take in these children knowing they could leave at any point along the way. We fall in love with these children. We are hardly ever given adequate information on where they came from or why they were removed. As time goes by we learn more about the parents. The persons that they have allowed themselves to become. We do not like these people, and are indignant that merely reproducing gives you rights.

My hard learned advice is that we must learn to care for these parents as the humans that they are and not the people they've become. We have more grace for the strangers on the street than the parents of our children. I started praying for my baby Mama not because it was the right thing to do, but because I could no longer stand to hate her for what she had allowed to happen to our babies. I was so mad the day we went for a visit that was being monitored by her family counselor. Me and the counselor behind the two way mirror, watching Mama sing the songs, and play the games that I had taught them. The counselor making comments on how well she interacted with them and how smart and well behaved they were. Of course no one had mentioned to the counselor that this was only the fourth time she'd seen them in six months. It was that day that I decided for my own benefit that hating Mama did no one any good, least of all me. I was still mad, but knew I had to change.

Could I not have sympathy for her situation? I tease that I was raised by wolves, but not the kind who eat their young. She was parenting the only way she knew how. Could I not see that she had gotten herself into quite a situation? How would I deal, if I had to deal with her life? This does not excuse her choices. We've all know, or have read about people overcoming amazing obstacles, but would I overcome or be overwhelmed? If I woke up in her shoes, what would I want?

She is the mother of half of my children. How can I not love her for giving them life? How can I not pray for her to overcome? How can I not pray for her to find God? Where is her Jesus?

Several months ago the kids and I started making scrap book pages for her. Here's what we're doing, pictures, drawings and what not. I don't even scrap book for myself. I don't have the time, but I'm making time for her. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I have to tell myself that this woman is an important part of my life.

She recently gave me a note thanking me and God for being there for her babies. It is a note I will always cherish. It means to me that we have a mutual understanding that we will share the mothering role, regardless of where they live.

Happy Dirpay Nathalia

We had the privilege of parenting you for about a month, although we had the adventures of a lifetime that month. I'm sorry for the way it all ended but quite frankly you scared the heck out me. I understand that you were not stealing just collecting things that you might need for later. I am sorry for all that you had to go through to get to the point you were at when I knew you. I understand that after all of that it's scary to be a girl. I still have the card that you made that says "I love you," I hope that we made a difference in your life. Please understand that I had six other kids to protect. I am hoping that you found a place where you were safe. I'm praying that as you become an adult you've learned enough to live the life that you've always dreamt. I know that most of what you have been told in your life has been a lie. I have been in the system for a small amount of time, I cannot imagine having it be the only constant in my life. I am hoping that they have provided you with what you need to get started in life. I am hoping all that I can for you.
Happy Dirpay
Love,
Mom

I want my mommy

I remember, very distinctly, the day I walked into my kitchen and looked at a boy torn between holding back and letting loose. He'd lived with us for a year and a half, the previous weekend he "lost it" over a game boy. We are very limited in how we discipline our borrowed children, but the level of disrespect shown that day had to be dealt with. We packed him up and sent him to Camp Alston. Ms. Alston is the worlds best respite provider. She was an officer in the Army for 20 some years and no kid was going to get the best of her. I am a lot more nurturing than she, and at times dreaded leaving my babies with her, although I knew it was best for all involved. Even as I type this I am worried about where my hands are, I was scared to walk down her hall unless my hands were firmly at my side.

But, back to the kitchen. He'd returned home that morning, and we were off to a debriefing with the counselor. He stood there so wounded and hurt, but unable to overcome the compulsion to be the man he'd had to be since he was born. He had it all together, he was in control and he needed a mommy. I let him down. I let the hurt and anger and rage and confusion and crap that had been hurled at me for the past 18 months keep me from giving him what he needed at that moment. A mommy. I walked right past him, probably sealing his fate. He would not be vulnerable again.

At the debriefing he held back. He went to stay elsewhere while a team of professionals, most who'd never met him, decided that this wasn't working. Within a week I had to pack up his things and the things of his siblings and wait for them to come home from school. I had to look a little eight year old boy in the eye and tell him, something he'd been through a dozen times before, that we were no longer his family. I watched helplessly as he allowed himself one tear before he wiped it away, along with his hope.

Then an hour later I had to tell their sister. She had worked so hard to be with us, and now we were letting her go. The next couple of weeks would bring her at least three moves.

If I had it to do again I wouldn't have walked by him that day in the kitchen. I would put away my hurt and emotion and be the mommy he needed me to be, but I can't undo that. So, I have to use what I learned there, and apply it to my life today. I don't know if it's just the fact that the preschoolers out number me and it's the age that they are, or if there is something more sinister lurking, but there are very few days that this season doesn't completely exhaust me. I've been advised to tell the state that we are done, and if they don't get their stuff together they can have the kids back. I'm wondering where they learned bargaining. When you can't walk away you can't threaten to.

The state isn't concerned with their welfare. Maybe as a collective, "I believe in education" kind of way, but when it comes down to these three children living in our home, no one cares. No one, but us, and somedays it is tempting to stop. We are truly giving our life to do this. And Satan would like us to believe that we have received no benefit from it. Just think of all we could do if we weren't doing this. But when they are feeling alone, or scared or hurt and they scream "I want my mommy" they are speaking of me and I have to be a mommy like I'd never imagined, no matter what I'm feeling.

Respite

A word that was not in my vocabulary ten years ago. Now, I'm considering which body part to tattoo the word to. Even during my foster orientation classes I laughed at the absurdity of "respite" I mean really, once you take them in they are yours, deal with them. This came from all of my wisdom as a parent of children raised from conception in a "stable" and "normal" environment. Although I thought, probably correctly, that there was some disfunction going on in my family tree, I had no idea that a lot of life is like a Jerry Springer episode.

We muddled through the first long term placement for five months before the thought of respite crossed our minds, of course we had a sitter or two, but for the most part, they were with us. When the, much more experienced in the foster system, kids started sabatoging their placement, we decided that it was respite or eviction.

Although we've had several placements, we really only had two that were of any length of time or consequence. #1 was MMT and #2 was ARM. MMT was an older sibling group, 6-13 when they came 8-15 when they left. ARM a young sibling group, AM placed at birth, R at 18 months(after living in at least 6 different homes).

We tried several respite providers with MMT, T would always be shocked when we returned to pick him up, he had a finely honed defense mechanism of moving on, immediately. I kid you not when I say if I left him at your house for an hour while I ran to the grocery store, he would have forgotten all about me. You were his new parent, he loved you, you were the nicest most bestest mom or dad on the planet. I was evil for abandoning him, and he wanted nothing to do with me.

Until we found what we lovingly refer to as Camp Alston. Ms. Alston was in the Army for 20+ years and she ran a tight ship. I was afraid to walk down her halls without my hands firmly planted on my thighs as not to dirty her walls. She was a loving Christian woman who clearly understood the dynamics of caring for children in foster care and if it was respite, they would not be attaching to her in any way shape or form. Our children always came back singing our praises and knowing we were their parents. She has since moved on, and we miss her, although even if she were still here she would not be appropriate for our current situation.

With all of the kids we've found it works best for us to have the respite provider come here when possible. It's a good excuse for hubby and I to run off somewhere and the kids still feel at home. Also with the born of the body babies, someone needs to be here anyway. We have gotten lax with our respite since the born of the heart babies are in Mothers Day Out. We've recently recommitted to one weekend a month. Our born of the heart children will have us all to themselves for six years once our born of the body babies all leave, and since our B.O.B. children didn't choose this life, we feel we owe them a little one on one time.

Which brings me to my dilema of finding someone. I want someone with a little initiative, someone who can follow simple rules, yet not need me there to hold their hand thru the whole weekend. Sixteen sippy cups of whole milk is not a meal replacement. I want someone who can watch them at our house or at their house. Depending on what I need. Do I hire a parent who knows that the ER isn't necessary if they bonk their head, or do I hire someone who isn't jaded by kids already and will watch them just a little more closely? I can't wait til they all have friends and they can start having sleep overs (at other peoples houses), I am currently forbidden by law to have more than six children under the age of 18 sleeping in my house. Darn. Of course I'll probably have to ask the parents of their friends to submit to an FBI check and random drug tests or something, that shouldn't be too awkward.

I guess what I'd tell me ten years ago, and any other parent for that matter, is take a break. Often, parenting is hard work, and it's nice to be a person who isn't called mom 24/7. I don't want to wake up in 20 years wondering who is sleeping next to me. So, respite, here we go again.

Not on Dateline

We've known about our upcoming vacation for a year, we finalized the details in April and asked the state for permission to bring our Born of the Heart babies with us. Well as one would expect, no one at the state asked the judge. Not in April, or May, or June, or the first week of July. Hello, people, we're leaving in mid-July. So, there we were less than a week before vacation, tickets in hand, and they aren't so much cheap anymore, and no court order granting us permission to take the kiddos out of state.

We were scheduled to leave for the airport at 9:00 a.m. on Friday. By about Thursday I was debating whether to take anymore calls from the department. Well, not being paranoid by nature and not feeling the need to screen my calls, I accidentally answered the phone on Thursday. Of course it was the department asking all sorts of details. He was going back and forth with the judge and mama's attorney. He could get permission if the following conditions were met.

1. Hubby couldn't take baby girl to the men's room.
2. Worker had to lay eyes on children before they left.

1. Fine, girls don't need to be in the men's room, they were going to Grandma's, and while in the airport she could go on the plane. Annoying but doable.

2. Fine, come up Thursday night and see them. No, has to be Friday. Keep in mind that it's a 2.5 hour drive between the worker's office and our house. I told him that he had to be there by eight, we were leaving at nine. Got of the phone with him, called my agency's worker and got permission from him. They ok'd it.

The worker did show up, a little after eight. I had to go get my shoulder worked on so hubby was there to present the kids so they could be seen. We have not had much face time, he was our worker for months before I actually even knew his name. He's a fresh out of college, going to save the world type. Or at least he was before he got assigned this case.

Whatever it is that usually takes a year or better to suck the life out of the newbies has happened. He no longer wants to save the world, only his behind, and he's sick of getting it chewed on by everyone. The rest of the department is in the same boat. They are unclear on the law, everytime they quote it to me they get it wrong. While I am not an attorney, I have the ability to understand it. I would not make a good attorney, at least in the court room. There's no crying in the courtroom, by the attorney anyway.

So, three new projects for when we return. Pile up the rest of the hiring a pitbull money, and hire a pitbull. My impression is that the department there will gladly give up jurisdiction to here, and that would be good. The pitbull we've found seems to be personally offended that the laws she defends are being so blatantly broken. The final project, making the department look competent.