Ah HA

OK so, sometimes I think of something so simple and brilliant that I can't believe it's taken me 36 months or 36 years to think of. Of course this concerns my babies, but I haven't been dwelling on it lately. I haven't brainstormed my options, I've even stopped bugging God about it. I know He'll do it when He wants it done. So I was literally just getting ready for bed, wondering if I'd taken my allergy medicine and Ah HA.

It's a cop out excusing my thoughtlessness on God. Not in a bad way, but the way he doesn't open your eyes until just the right time so that it is so simple and brilliant that it can only be from God.

I have no doubt in my mind that the children who are in my home sleeping soundly right now are my children. I believe with all my heart that they will be with me forever. What I don't believe is that this journey has been so long. The VERY FIRST QUESTION that was asked in our foster parent training is.... could we ever get a baby, have it for three years and still not be able to adopt it? NO. NEVER. Wouldn't happen. Well, it's happening times six right now. So why God why?

I keep trying to imagine my life without the journey. Had someone handed me one baby five years ago, had the baby adopted in eight months and out of fostering forever, how does my life look. Probably not much different than it did five years ago. Except five years older. This journey has forced me to grow. It has forced me to look at the other side of this coin. It forces me to examine where I am, where I am going and what I have control over. The answer to the latter is only me. I cannot change the system today. I cannot compel the court, or CPS or anyone to make a decision. I can only control what I do.

Tomorrow during my monthly trek to Laredo, I'm going to ask for mediation. It will save another trial, maybe they'll go for it. It's so chic right now.

I don't want Mama to be a "victim" of this whole process. Yes she does not make the best choices with her life, but given her circumstances can't we all understand? I do not want our kids to grow up idealizing Mama, I want them to know her. When she does something that disappoints them I want them to experience it in real time. I don't want to dump all this information on them in twenty years. I am also praying that they can experience a life that is truly transformed. I want them to see their Mama turn her life around. I want their Mama to throw herself at the feet of Jesus and be free from the life that herself and her family have built. I want my kids to know that there is no place you can go that God can't find you when you call to Him. I also want them to no that there are just some places you are better off not going.

I'm hoping that the people who are holding this up, probably her family and her attorney who has to be making some large change from this, will at least meet with us. I'm hoping that they know that I truly honor this woman as the mother of my children. I'm hoping that they will do the same for me.