She got her baby back, baby back, baby back....

Go wish her well, as they get back into their own rhythm.

Also, pray for us, our court date is 7/8 - the only thing we are hoping for is termination. Although not throwing our vacation plans into a tailspin would also be nice. We asked for permission to take the kids with us waaaaay back in April, the CPS worker just asked the judge about a week ago. We bought plane tickets in May, and should be able to take kids we've been raising for three and a half years on a family vacation. You think?

Also, there have been new developments involving Mama's family with more kids being removed into foster care. So, we are hoping that enough will finally be enough. Maybe I need to get me an Oprah Vision Board?????

Just think Johnny Cochran 7/8 - terminate

Old journal entry that needed sharing

This is from the fall of '06.

I have a two year old who is OBSESSED with the song, quoting him "ohnoyouneverletgothroughthecalmandthroughthestorm". Every time we get into the car he starts saying "ohnoyouneverletgothroughthecalmandthroughthestorm", as if saying it over and over and over will magically make it appear on the radio. Every one is required to sing along, he even said to the shy sitter "SING TINA". Of course I could just go buy the cd, but it just so happened that it was that time of the month, financially speaking, mortgage, utilities, bills, bills bills. I have to try daily not to impulse buy things and hope for the best. So I said "God I need $10 to buy this boy a cd."

This morning I woke to a surprise bonus and was feeling all thankful until lunch when I checked our account. We were OVERDRAWN by $637. I had no idea what we'd spent $1500 on and the online entry just said "pending". My husband and had absolutely no clue as to what the $1500 was for, but until the pending was updated, there was no use fighting over it.

I was pouting as I started a load of laundry, when I was clearing pockets I found a $10 bill. Kind of thankful, but more snotty brat. I informed God that cd's really cost closer to $20, and we'd probably need the $10 to feed the starving masses. His answer to me was "you said $10, I gave you $10, go buy the boy a cd".

My little temper tantrum, obsessive forensic accounting of the morning had put me behind schedule. Our two year old had a play therapy appointment, and we were running late. Not everyone appreciates the "sorry I'm late, God told me to go shopping", excuse. But it was true and maybe she'd set me up with some much needed therapy for myself.

I hurry into the the Bible book store and quickly locate the Matt Redman cd's. That song is on NONE of the cd's. Browsing, browsing, browsing I see a sale rack of compilation cd's. BRIGHT yellow sticker "You Never Let Go" SALE $9.97. Could you be a little more clear God? I don't think so.

The therapist was running late. Our bank card number had been stolen and the bank never took the money out of our account, and I was reminded once again through our two year old that You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Every high and every low. You never let go of me.

I know that my redeemer lives

This past week I've been singing a song, the problem is I only knew one line. My version of the song is "I know that my redeemer lives, and I don't know the other words." Joyful noise, right?
So, I was very happy when the second song this morning was that song. I've been battling this cold for the last couple of days and was not terribly excited about leaving the house, wrangling the babies across the parking lot, yada yada yada. So even though my heart was not into it, I went to church, and that song was God's way of saying "I see you."

This is not a unique experience for me, I don't think I've ever said "If you're there you'll...." but on many occassions I've had a mental checklist of things I've wanted, an overly detailed checklist and to the finest detail it has happened. I am ashamed to say that I didn't trust God on the front end. It was MY list and didn't give it over to God, but the completed list was God's way of saying "I see you."

When it became obvious that my first marriage was ending, I made a checklist of things to look for so I wouldn't end up there again. The final detail being "Chris in the morning," my dreamy dream man/morning DJ from Northern Exposure. And although my first outing with my current husband could not be classified as a 'date', his parting words to me were, "I'll be at the radio station tomorrow if you want to call me."

I'd given up on having my boy/girl twins that I'd always wanted. Statistically rare in life, let alone in foster care in south Texas at the time we were foster parents. Well, in February 2005, I got the call. Did I want a 6 year old boy and a 1 year old boy? We already had four boys in the house, only one full time girl, and one part time girl. I told the caseworker, I can't take anymore boys, but if you ever have a girl... As it turns out they had a five week old girl, but she had a twin brother, and we'd have to take him too.

So, just know that even when your heart isn't in it, and you aren't expecting God to fulfill your wish list he has many ways to tell you, "I see you."

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Puzzling

So you are waiting for God to answer your prayer for the child that you know you've been called to raise. You have taken all the classes, (in our case twice), and you are still waiting. In my case by beginning of year number two waiting for a child, I was mad because I could've gotten pregnant, had a child, and been well on my way to feeling like a normal person again. But I still had nothing. And God forbid the ten o'clock news has a story about someone beating their kid to death, it just makes you want to scream.

Becoming a parent involves pain. Whether by body or by heart. Having done both I'd say the physical pain is better. They have some mighty good meds, praise God. But sadly there is no epidural for your heart. I doubt child placing agencies would be in business if they opened up their "Fostering 101" class with "This will break your heart, you will cry, you will scream and there is little we can do for you."

Whatever route you take into parenting children born to others it is heartbreaking. Your child may be in an orphanage half way round the world, and you can't go get him because you forgot to sign page 47? Or worse, you get to hold him, kiss him, love him and then leave him there. That doesn't seem right. Your baby may be inside of a 15 year old girl who is scared to death, maybe she could get an abortion and no one would ever have to know. Throw in a little abuse and neglect and this whole thing will make you sick.

My favorite illustration of God's will is the puzzle. It hardly ever makes sense until it's complete. How can a squiggly piece of green cardboard with a blotch on it ever turn into something beautiful? By joining with all the other nonsensical pieces: bit by bit coming together. You'll get glimpses of the beauty along the way, but not until that 5000th piece is in place will you see it as the creator intended.

I hope that this is encouraging to all of you waiting for your children. Being reminded of "God's timing" makes me want to choke people. I know they are right, but it makes me feel lacking in my own faith. That is not my intention.

1 Corinthians 13: 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then shall we see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Moses

Whenever I talk to my babies about Moses I point out the similarities between them and Moses. His mama (what we call their birth mother) loved him very much. Just like Mama loves you very much. It was not safe for Moses to stay with his mama, but Moses' mama loved him so much that she wanted him to grow up and be safe so he went to live with his mommy.



I've recently been reading more about Moses. Not a perfect man. Not a very confident man. God had equipped him for the life God had planned for him. He was the right man for the job he just needed convincing. When Moses asks God "Who am I that I should go?..." I know exactly how he feels.



I feel like a whining Isrealite at this point. I've gotten complacent in my captivity. It's been pretty good being paid to be a parent, why bite the hand that feeds you. God is clearly very big on adoption.



Ephesians 1:5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

We know that it is right that we adopt these children. We are no longer complacent in our captivity, we are tired of wandering; knowing where we are going, but not knowing when we'll get there. We can look over and see the promised land, wondering if we'll be allowed to enter. Wondering if we have it in us to overcome the obstacles that lie ahead.

We know the battle is the Lords. He needed to grow us into the warriors that would fight the battle. We need to demand that Pharoah let our people go. I pray that God doesn't harden the heart of the judge twelve times, but if he should, it will be to the glory of God, right? We have grown, we have shepherded, we have hemmed and hawed. The fact that we are not perfect, or confident is also to His glory. If he can use a couple of screwed up people like us, how could he use you?

Hebrews 13:20May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Refined

First I'll say that God is not very subtle. You'll understand later.

Our three year old will have lived with us for 23 months tomorrow. We are his SEVENTH home. No one should ever have to live in seven homes, let alone do it all before you turn two. It should go without saying, but this boy has issues. Issues that were difficult to deal with in the beginning. They're getting better, but it has been a looooong road.

Several months after he first came to live with us, I had had enough for the day and decided that going for a ride would be the thing to do. He could scream at me all he wanted I had a super loud radio. On the ride I took it upon myself to discuss with God what I had done to deserve this. I'm a good person, I'm trying to do the right thing, all those things you say to God when you're in a situation you don't want to be in. Intellectually I know God has it all together and that includes His plan for my life, but when you're going through something, knowledge isn't always applied.

So here we are riding around, me shaking my fist at God, my baby shaking his fist at me. I had the radio on, but wasn't really listening. Then I heard a sweet voice from the back singing "Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty" (example one of God's non subtleness) and my next question to God was, What had I done to deserve this.

Matthew 5:8 took on a whole new meaning to me that day. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. This kid saw God. This kid has seen evil. This kid is our God warrior in training. He keeps our minds on God daily, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. He has been through the fire seven times and has come out with a pure heart. There is never a doubt as to how his day is going. Pure, pure, pure.

And now for the other 2x4 Godsmack. As I was researching a verse on refining I came across this.
Psalm 12:6
And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified SEVEN times.

Next time you have a chance, read Psalms 12 and 13. It all applies here.

My question to God is still the same, "What have I done to deserve this?" Sometimes it takes on a sarcastic tone, but for the most part, I'm glad to take my place in the puzzle of God's will.

How we got here.

I often get asked why we chose foster care. I came from a big family, didn't really enjoy being pregnant, my husband's grandparents were foster parents way back when. It was just the perfect storm.

Our journey into foster care began almost five years ago. We attended an orientation that wanted us to be involved in a local church. We were not even attending a local church, let alone involved in one. I had been a Christian for a long time, but I was run out of the church in my late teens. I was not the type of girl that most churches welcomed with open arms. My husband wasn't even sure he believed in God at the time. We decided to give it a try, if it didn't work out we could always find another foster agency that didn't have such suggestions. We were not sure where to go, but we were sure where we would not go.

Well, our journey brought us to a church we'd heard about. We had met someone who went there and LOVED it, most people however, rumored it to be a cult or something of the sort. There were a couple thousand people in attendance every weekend, we were sure we could get in and out without notice so off we went. Traditional they were not, it was more like a rock concert for God. At the end of the service all adults were asked to take a red envelope. Inside that red envelope was a hundred dollar bill and a request to bring it back tenfold the following week. Well that guaranteed us coming back next week. Not with two thousand bucks, but to return the two hundred dollars, we did not want to take God's money.

Two weeks has turned into five years. Two thousand will soon be ten thousand. It's still a rock concert for God every week. And we are involved. The funny thing about it is, the agency who originally had asked us to be involved in a local church had to leave town due to budget cuts and never placed one child with us. We have had several kids in our care, most for long periods of time. We are praying that our fostering days will soon be over and we can adopt the kids that have been with us for the last two and a half years.

This may not seem like a foster care story, but believe me. Without the local church involvement, we would not be foster parents, and we would probably not even be married at this point. Bay Area Fellowship welcomed us into the house of God, where God could change our lives, and equip us to be a family. A family born from the heart of God