Whine not

It isn't much of a secret that I hate my current job. I hate the paperwork, and the intrusion and the second guessing, and the "I just smacked my kid because he had a ginormous mosquito on him, I'm going to have to go write that down" part. There is a court hearing on Tuesday, I can't get any information. I'm supposed to be notified in writing as to every court proceeding, yet I rarely even get a verbal hint that there is one. This is the part I hate.

I don't hold out much hope that the court hearing will change the current situation. Every single state and federal law regarding length of time in care has been violated. Why should Tuesday change anything?

Even without court I have about a hundred pages of paperwork to do before the end of the week if I'd like to get reimbursed for my time and effort. I have to write down what we did every hour of every day, in triplicate. I have to write down where we went and who's had contact with the kids, in triplicate. I even have to, in triplicate, write down all the things we didn't do. We didn't go to the doctor, or the dentist, or the psychologist, or the psychiatrist. We did not spend the night in any home not currently licensed by the state, nor did we spend more than four hours with anyone who does not have a background check on file with our agency. No persons, without a background check, regularly visit our home, nor has anyone spent the night in our home. We have not had more than six kids sleeping overnight in our home at anytime during the month, and any play time activities held at our home had no less than a 6/1 kid/adult ratio. I have to account for any "suspicious" marks on the children. Also have to explain why I kneed one of them in the head, just in case. BTW - he bent down where I was stepping, kapow.

This has been going on for three years and four months. I know I should be thankful that they are in my house, safe and sound and asleep. I know I should be thankful that I am getting paid, however poorly, to take care of them, every little bit helps. I am, all of the above. But I still want to whine. I, don't want to have to ask permission to take my kids swimming, or out of town, or out of state.

It wouldn't bother me quite as much if all sides were treated equally. If I don't complete all of my assigned tasks on a regular basis, they come and get the kids. If the other side quits their job, refuses counseling or parenting classes, no big deal. If I miss my parenting classes, not only do I still have to do the class, I have to write a response to my citation as to why I couldn't make it. Well, here's my reason for everything I can't do - I'm parenting three preschoolers, two teenagers, and a grade schooler. I cannot find childcare because no one wants to pay $120, submit to an FBI background check and take 20 classes so that I can pay them very little money. $60/day does not provide for much quality childcare.

So cite me, often. Cite me for improper restraints when I keep a kid from running into the street when there is no car, or that I won't let them drink coke whenever they want. Cite me for letting friends sleep over, and going to the pool. Cite me for not taking the medication class for the 6th time. Cite me for not having my fridge cold enough to freeze the milk, or for telling the children "no". I understand that telling a child "no" damages their spirit, but Jesus said "let your yes be yes and your no be no", it doesn't say "let your no be 'guns are not for shooting'". Um, yes they are, but I was actually told, by a play therapist, that I should never tell little middle "no", even though he was pointing a gun at me at the moment. Maybe I should have gone back to discuss what my parents told me about playing with guns. They were old school, I don't know if it was spoken, but it was implied that if I ever played with a gun, always loaded never locked, that I should hope that it kills me, because it would be better than my punishment.

Thus concludes my whine. I will be thankful that I get to hug and kiss them everyday. I will be thankful that they are unaware that I am not legally anything to them. I will be thankful that I am their mom. I will also say a prayer for all of the mothers who are without their children tonight, whatever the reason. May they be conceived, born, relinquished, available, returned soon, or may they rest in peace.